Revelations

Poor Alex got to hear yet ANOTHER story from ANOTHER one of my friends about the shitty man in her life, and he just sat there, confused. At first his response was: isn't there anybody in America with a happy relationship? I pointed out my parents quickly as an example, plus some friends of mine from high school (Rob and Madella...she's fourteen years older than him. They've been married for 12 years and are absolutely the happiest couple I know...Rob was a year older than me and an Incredibly Tall, Incredibly Hot, Very Intelligent Man with a Sense of Humor...we were really good friends...and when he was 19, he met Madella at his job. Woohoo!). I then pondered for the longest time and realized I had nobody else to really point out. All the rest of my friends were single after suffering, married and currently suffering, or divorcing and suffering.

Then he told me that in all the cases he had heard of amongst my friends, it was always the man who was doing the crappy things in the relationship. I replied that I knew several men who had been jerked around by chicks so it wasn't exclusive about the gender. He said he knew that to be true, of course, but that he had noted one pattern amongst all the men mentioned. I had to laugh at his conclusions.

Basically, Alex's revelation is as follows: American culture differs from French culture in relationships in one critical way. In America, men seem to base some of their masculinity on "I'm no pussy, man!" What he means is that men here seem to not want to give in to the woman or please the woman "too much" or else he's not a real man. His friends will make fun of him if he, say, goes shopping with his wife or gf rather than hangs out and drinks beer with his guy friends. Or they'll make fun of a guy who tries to please the girl by being romantic or courtly in his behavior. I remember when Alex and I were having a conversation with two other guys who were insisting that Alex was basically lacking testosterone because he was so considerate and sweet with me. I thought, oh god, now Alex is going to have to make some sort of manly show in front of the other Wolves so that he won't lose his pack standing. However, that was NOT what happened. Alex laughed at them. Then he reminded them that HE was getting regular sex and THEY did not have girlfriends, and perhaps they needed lessons from HIM. HAHAHAHAHA! Ok, so I really enjoyed that one.

One of my students told me--after he heard some of the things that Alex did for me--that he needed to have a "talk" with Alex because that's not how real men acted in America. I told him, calmly, that he would be missing two testicles if he did so. The fellow laughed (we were on great terms so we both knew we were joking), but the fact that he even joked about it tells me something. Men who are reading this blog, American men specifically: tell me! I WANT to know! Why do men get so concerned about how other men perceive them to be acting around their woman? I know not all of you are like that, but even those who aren't sometimes buckle to that peer pressure. Why?

Alex does things to Ari sometimes like point out to her that she should never date a man who doesn't send her flowers and chocolates regularly, who doesn't open up her doors, who doesn't kiss her hand and give her back massages. I told Alex: if you don't stop it, you're going to make my child dateless for many years! He laughed. I'm glad my daughter has Alex for a male role model, but on the other hand, he IS just so damned French. I asked him if all his friends were like him as far as how he treated women goes. He said no, but that most of his male friends were very good to their gf's/wives/etc. Flowers? Romance? Why don't AMERICAN men get a day in art class wherein they learn how to kiss a woman's hand (like Alex did in his school!)? Do you know that Alex was told by folks in France that if he were to be polite and open up doors and such for women in America, he might get smacked because our women don't like that??? Wow! Not in the South, buddy! We're dying for it! Open away!

My ex was very concerned about what other males thought of his conduct in our relationship (IE, who wears the pants in your household?). So were just about every other male that I've ever dated. WHY is that? What is so "unmanly" about being nice to your sig other and taking her feelings into consideration? Even my brother Ken really seems to care about that issue. However, I have to say that my brother Mark has a different perspective, closer to Alex's. After he got married, he told us that he learned the key to a happy marriage. It was, "Avoid the pouty face at all times." Haha! Mark certainly doesn't let Julie walk all over him, nor does he give in if he thinks it's really important for him not to do so. But he has no reduction of testicular size if he just indulges Julie and lets her have her way here and there. Out of the four of us, Ken got a divorce...Rose's marriage goes in waves...I've got my ex so there's another failed marriage...and then there's Mark, who seems to have a fantastic marriage. No mere coincidence? I think not! Here's to men who ignore men who feel the need to tell them they are pussies just because they want to please their sig other! Here's to men who DO know when to stand firm, but also understand that being romantic and sweet does not rip away their Y chromosome! Cheers!