Why I Do Not Own A Scale

I do not own a scale for the same reason why Angie's quiz will be my slow, agonizing death. LOL

Let me explain.

I never have been into the idea of diets. I love food too much, and I hate restricting what exact foods I eat or in what quantities. Food is life to me...food is enjoyment of life, to be more precise. However, when I was 26 years old I realized I fit into no clothes in my closet. I really didn't have the funds to buy bigger clothes (a fundamental issue with me for all but two years of my adult life). To add insult to injury, I had been visiting my mom and she constantly mentioned how unattractively large I was. She handed me an exercise mat, exercise tapes, and some sort of diet book as I walked out the door. I felt horrible.

So, I decided to diet for the first time in my life. It was "my own diet." I gave myself two meals a week wherein I could eat anything and didn't keep track of calories or sugar or fat. That way, I didn't feel like I was so deprived or that everything was forbidden and I could stick with the plan the rest of the week. For the only time in my life, I also exercised daily (walking, sit ups, curls with a light weight).

And I bought a scale.

It was satan's own scale, I tell you. From the first day I weighed in, I knew there was a problem. I stood on it and looked down at the glowing "125" and frowned. The last time I had weighed myself had been several years earlier at the doctor's and I was 112 lbs. I gained that much? How did it happen? I knew my clothes were too tight, but...

I weighed myself five times that first day. Can anybody say OCD??? I really believe obsessive compulsive disorder runs strongly in my family even though it's never been a diagnosis. My entire family save maybe my brother Mark (so that makes five of us then) have these "things" we get stuck on and get obsessive about for no reason. The scale became one of these "things." What if I weighed myself after I went to the bathroom? After I ate? After I went for a two mile hike? If I spit in the sink, did that alter my weight? If I got a haircut? First thing in the morning? Last thing at night? During my period? GAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Sometimes I weighed myself as much as ten times per day. If I lost a pound but the next morning the scale reported it back, I was depressed and weighed myself twice as much. If I jumped to two pounds lost, I weighed myself the usual amount just to stare at the numbers all day long...haha! Guys, it was awful. The damned scale ruled my life. I didn't like what I had become. In three months, I lost 9 lbs and could fit into all my clothes. But in three months, I became a neurotic, compulsive, twitching mess.

I threw the scale in the garbage and never have owned one again.

In a related behavior, Angie has put up a damned, devil spawn quiz on her site. LOL

Now, you have to understand something about Kira: I do not have a competative streak with others; it's worse. I have a competitive streak with MYSELF. Why is this worse? Because nothing short of a perfect score on any test, etc. will make me happy. So, she places this quiz on her site--and believe me, I've avoided most quiz sites on the net for just knowing myself that well--and suddenly compulsive behavior kicks in again.

Yesterday, I saw it there and twitched. That quiz wasn't so bad. I got mad at myself because I didn't realize your total score was reduced by time, and I had gotten up when I started the test to get Ari a glass of water and sliding on Jared's nightshirt (he likes to sleep in a tshirt that has the eiffel tower on it...he calls it a teapot...LOL!). Ok, so, grumble, I'll do better next time! I can't for the life of me recall where I was compared to the others...all I could remember was, you lost points because you took too long. Well, I would not do that today! So then I take today's quiz and I realized: I'm SOL (shit out of luck for those not familiar with the american slang). I knew that five of those questions I could NEVER answer and I had NO clue. This bothered me *twitch, twitch* so I went ahead and looked them up. Yes, I just destroyed the point of a trivia quiz by looking up answers...LOL But I don't LIKE not knowing! Ask any of my students. If they asked me something I didn't know, I would tell them: I will find out by next class. And lo, I have done exactly that a number of times. I am the mistress of useless trivia, too, so a trivia quiz is the best way to attack my ego. I can't...stand....not getting...all the answers...*twitch twitch* See, when she had the English quiz, that one was fine. I knew I'd screw up in the spelling and I accept that's a weakness. I know my vocab and grammar are fantastic and my spelling is for crap. It fits my "self concept." But my self concept is also that many of my friends turn to me for useless trivia, small obscure details that I learned and kept in my cobwebbed brain for no reason. So I should do very well on a trivia quiz, right? *twitch, twitch*

I probably need medication for this....haha!

Ang, don't worry about it, I'll get myself under control. But if OTHERS care about their scores compared to the group's, they should all discount mine. At least, from now on out, if you see my time as over 100 seconds, it's guaranteed that I had a nervous breakdown and looked crap up.

I think Zoloft corrects for this...

*****

I'm over the jet lag. That's good.

Alex is still in France and there's still no return date set. That's bad.

I leave for my parent's house with the kids on May 27th. That's good.

All day in a car with two small children. That's bad.

Ariana must have really missed me. Every time I travel in this house, she's left me a tiny note that simply says "I love you mom!" I've found one on my kitchen counter, on my bathroom sink, and on my computer stand. So sweet!

She loved her chocolates and her presents. The first night I had her back, I sprawled out next to her on her bed at bedtime and just yabbered about the world in general with her for a while. Sure, it kept her up later, but we just MISSED each other, and it was our first opportunity to spend time alone since before that, she was having her reunion with Jared.

I love my daughter to pieces. I want to continue this good relationship with her well into her teen years. I read Angie's posts and I have hope I can do that too! Of course I want to be mom first and friend SECOND, but I want to be her friend forever too. That's how it was with my mom and still is: she's my mom first, but she's also my friend. I don't have the advantage of being closer in age with Ariana like Ang is with her daughter, but I take heart in her idea that the "Young at Heart" idea can work too. Since I hang out with students who are usually much younger than me, I think I can fake being young...haha!

Oh, this was funny...when we were in France, Jared tried to kiss Kate's breasts (kate is Alex's 14 yr old sister). I mentioned it to the ex when I got back, teasing that our son was such a boy. Jared looks up and says in his best fake innocent voice, "But I was trying to kiss her feet! I just missed!" HAHAHAHA!

Also, I noticed Jared at four years of age likes to hand out flowers and kiss lady's hands. Alex has already started the training process! woohoo!

So, the last piece of news...I had a former student email me and beg me to call him on his cell phone. He's a student I had twice, and he's been using me for girlfriend advice a lot. I have no idea why...but I like him so I'm happy to chat with him. Anyway, we talked for a long time and in the end he told me that he didn't think he could break up with this girl because his whole (small) church community would be mad at him and he wouldn't be able to show his face there again. I paused. "So...you're maintaining a relationship because you don't want your church to be mad at you?" Long pause in return. "OH MY GOD...you're right! Gees, I knew you could put a spin on this in a way I could understand!" Made me feel good. I might not be teaching this summer, but I still think about my students and felt happy I could help. I wish him the best. He's just navigating a lot of new territory as this is just his second relationship ever and he's 18 yrs old. It flatters me that he feels he can turn to me. As he put it, "You're the only person who knows ALL the details of my situation." He should be flattered too though. I talked on the PHONE with him. Crap do I hate that phone!

Except for the no money part, unemployment is fun. I like spending time with my kids...I wish it paid better though! haha!