Frozen
I should be grading right now. I need to get two more classes situated before tomorrow so that tomorrow night I just have the exams to mess with and final grades to calculate and put into the computer. I have to have it ALL in by Saturday morning or I'm hosed. Jared, Alex, and I leave for Paris late Saturday afternoon, and the grades have to be in before then.
It's just that point where I'm burned out and I don't CARE to grade. I stare at a paper and sigh and groan and stare at a wall instead. I have one set of research papers left to grade, one set of journals, a cause/effect stack of essays, and a drama essay stack. Alex will be grading the matching, etc. portions of my exams for me tonight so that I can quickly finish up the finals too and put them into the computer. I never had help with grading before now. Coolness!
Ang was so kind to send me the info on the teaching position out there. I admit that I keep having flashbacks to the last one I applied to, at The Upstate's Premere Technical College. It was SUCH a nightmare. I don't want to go through dashed hopes again. Yeah, I should shut up after seeing what Amanda and Angie have gone through in the last year, but...I can't help it.
See, last year this time I was finishing up grades too. I went to France for a week with Alex, and while I was there Amanda got to go from one ring of hell to another ring of hell. Therefore, the Writing Center supervisor position was opened up. "Oh, we can't pay you to do the work this summer," I was told by my former boss. "We can pay you regular pay, but we just need you to RUN the WC for us until we can HIRE you for the job."
My heart clutches up when I remember what I was told. I am a stupid, gullible, trusting idiot. I was informed that all I had to do was wait out the whole process for hiring and the job was mine. "Oh, I hate having to go through these formalities. I'm sorry, Kira! We just can't seem to get the faculty group together to interview you yet, and we HAVE to interview others as per regulations even though we just feel we want to hand it right to you!"
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ok. Anything to keep the slave doing it all summer long. May, June, July I ran the fuckin' place. No extra pay. "It's ok, you'll get it in the end...."
At the same time, I was interviewed for a full time teaching position at Tech. I was told I should be "LUCKY" because they decided to interview me. There had been over 80 applicants for the spot. They were only interviewing nine. I had only a year's teaching experience at that time, so they weren't supposed to even interview me, they said. The interview was to take place on Wednesday of the July 4th week that we had off. I told them I had already made plans to head down to Florida with my kids....and they had been PROMISED to get to see grammy and paw paw. I DO NOT break promises to my children. I NEVER have. How else to I teach them to honor their own word? How else do they know they can trust me no matter what? I was told tough shit. Interview on that Wed. or not at all.
So after classes on Friday, I drove half the day and half the night and arrived in Tampa at 3a. We stayed until Tuesday, and I drove all day back. I even had to take my cat on that hellaciously long yet short stayed journey because I couldn't afford to board him and nobody I knew could take care of him. Ug!
The interview went well. Mark had been interviewed too, but he didn't make the teaching demo level even though he had years and years more experience than I did. He was frustrated. And then there were four.
I was told I'd know within a week what the answer was. During that second week of July, I was interviewed for what was supposed to be the formality of getting the supervisor position at the WC. Nobody called me.
Nobody, in fact, found it worthy of their time to EVER tell me about the teaching position. A couple of days before classes started at the end of August, I found out by mail--form letter--I did not get the job. I also found out later on that even though I NEVER wanted nor asked ANY of my former students to put in a good word for me, over TWENTY of them BEGGED the administration to hire me. They pled with them to "keep one of the only good teachers on campus here! Don't let her go somewhere else! We need her!" Some went to deans. Some went to my NEW boss. One former student found out from another student that I had the interview and wasn't enrolled over the summer. He DROVE to school and sat there for an hour describing to her how I basically not only taught him English but saved his life. I was very touched when I found all of that out later on. Didn't do a freakin' load of good, however.
They hired a girl who had four years of teaching experience and four years in a Writing Center (not as a supervisor; just as a tutor) who came from another college. Wofford, if I recall correctly. She had nothing spectacular about her or anything...she just had that minimum three years experience they wanted so badly. They knew I was a good teacher and that my success rate was astounding. They knew I already got along fine with staff and faculty. They knew the students were begging for me to stay. But it didn't matter; they decided to head on for the woman they didn't know who had a couple of years longer teaching. I was a known quantity, and they took the unknown. And then they didn't even bother to call me about it...just...a letter.
Crushed, I cried for a day. I didn't have long to cry before they gave me another reason to cry. My boss called me up and said, "I'm sorry. You know that position you did for free all summer long that you were practically promised by your old boss? The boss who was on the committee to decide who would be the supervisor, along with me and a couple of others? Yes. Well, we gave it to Pat. Sorry!" I sputtered. I couldn't believe it. Pat had told me she only applied for the job because she was certain I'd get a teaching position, so therefore she'd be in danger of having somebody unpleasant run the WC. She didn't even want it, and certainly didn't need it financially. I had been holding off applying for medicaid for my kids because I just wanted to see what I could get, job wise, at the school. Staring at the applications, I realized it was the only way my kids would get health care. I heard the echoing empty words that are always told to the loser, the words the boss says to make HERSELF feel better. "It was a hard choice...we had a rough time deciding...." Yeah, it's always a hard choice. I've heard it before. Tell me something new...a new lie...one that I can believe...
They had trapped me good. I couldn't just up and go to another job. They had me at the bargain basement price they had purchased my slavery for the previous year, and they KNEW the way I was dedicated to the students meant I was limited in job choices. That is, I can't leave my kids in the middle of a semester. THEY KNEW I felt that way, and so it was so cool: save the bad news until three days before school starts so that she can't run and we get to keep her for cheap.
Humiliated, demoralized, I dragged my feet for the first few weeks. Teaching had once been such a joy, but now that I knew what I was really worth at Tech, the enthusiasm had been sucked out of me.
What saddens me the most is that I know for sure that I care more for those students than any teacher on that staff. Somehow, that seems to be a negative. How the hell did THAT happen?
So, now I stare at my resume again. Cover letter? Another teaching job? How shall I be destroyed this time? Will you let me get to the end again so I can see the finish line, only to scream denied and slam the window shut on my fingers? I know that I can't succeed unless I try. I know every single happy good touchy feely positive perky "The sun'll come out tomorrow!" piece of shite that I've been fed by friends and family for the last year. It's the same shite I feed to MY family and friends, too. But you know what? I can't believe it. I can't believe in it again or I really, truly will be completely crushed.
And now to convince myself to submit the forms before I take off on Saturday for France. I can't wait for the vacation. Two weeks with the love of my life and my darling son in one of the most facinating countries in the world...damn, do I ever need the break!
It's just that point where I'm burned out and I don't CARE to grade. I stare at a paper and sigh and groan and stare at a wall instead. I have one set of research papers left to grade, one set of journals, a cause/effect stack of essays, and a drama essay stack. Alex will be grading the matching, etc. portions of my exams for me tonight so that I can quickly finish up the finals too and put them into the computer. I never had help with grading before now. Coolness!
Ang was so kind to send me the info on the teaching position out there. I admit that I keep having flashbacks to the last one I applied to, at The Upstate's Premere Technical College. It was SUCH a nightmare. I don't want to go through dashed hopes again. Yeah, I should shut up after seeing what Amanda and Angie have gone through in the last year, but...I can't help it.
See, last year this time I was finishing up grades too. I went to France for a week with Alex, and while I was there Amanda got to go from one ring of hell to another ring of hell. Therefore, the Writing Center supervisor position was opened up. "Oh, we can't pay you to do the work this summer," I was told by my former boss. "We can pay you regular pay, but we just need you to RUN the WC for us until we can HIRE you for the job."
My heart clutches up when I remember what I was told. I am a stupid, gullible, trusting idiot. I was informed that all I had to do was wait out the whole process for hiring and the job was mine. "Oh, I hate having to go through these formalities. I'm sorry, Kira! We just can't seem to get the faculty group together to interview you yet, and we HAVE to interview others as per regulations even though we just feel we want to hand it right to you!"
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ok. Anything to keep the slave doing it all summer long. May, June, July I ran the fuckin' place. No extra pay. "It's ok, you'll get it in the end...."
At the same time, I was interviewed for a full time teaching position at Tech. I was told I should be "LUCKY" because they decided to interview me. There had been over 80 applicants for the spot. They were only interviewing nine. I had only a year's teaching experience at that time, so they weren't supposed to even interview me, they said. The interview was to take place on Wednesday of the July 4th week that we had off. I told them I had already made plans to head down to Florida with my kids....and they had been PROMISED to get to see grammy and paw paw. I DO NOT break promises to my children. I NEVER have. How else to I teach them to honor their own word? How else do they know they can trust me no matter what? I was told tough shit. Interview on that Wed. or not at all.
So after classes on Friday, I drove half the day and half the night and arrived in Tampa at 3a. We stayed until Tuesday, and I drove all day back. I even had to take my cat on that hellaciously long yet short stayed journey because I couldn't afford to board him and nobody I knew could take care of him. Ug!
The interview went well. Mark had been interviewed too, but he didn't make the teaching demo level even though he had years and years more experience than I did. He was frustrated. And then there were four.
I was told I'd know within a week what the answer was. During that second week of July, I was interviewed for what was supposed to be the formality of getting the supervisor position at the WC. Nobody called me.
Nobody, in fact, found it worthy of their time to EVER tell me about the teaching position. A couple of days before classes started at the end of August, I found out by mail--form letter--I did not get the job. I also found out later on that even though I NEVER wanted nor asked ANY of my former students to put in a good word for me, over TWENTY of them BEGGED the administration to hire me. They pled with them to "keep one of the only good teachers on campus here! Don't let her go somewhere else! We need her!" Some went to deans. Some went to my NEW boss. One former student found out from another student that I had the interview and wasn't enrolled over the summer. He DROVE to school and sat there for an hour describing to her how I basically not only taught him English but saved his life. I was very touched when I found all of that out later on. Didn't do a freakin' load of good, however.
They hired a girl who had four years of teaching experience and four years in a Writing Center (not as a supervisor; just as a tutor) who came from another college. Wofford, if I recall correctly. She had nothing spectacular about her or anything...she just had that minimum three years experience they wanted so badly. They knew I was a good teacher and that my success rate was astounding. They knew I already got along fine with staff and faculty. They knew the students were begging for me to stay. But it didn't matter; they decided to head on for the woman they didn't know who had a couple of years longer teaching. I was a known quantity, and they took the unknown. And then they didn't even bother to call me about it...just...a letter.
Crushed, I cried for a day. I didn't have long to cry before they gave me another reason to cry. My boss called me up and said, "I'm sorry. You know that position you did for free all summer long that you were practically promised by your old boss? The boss who was on the committee to decide who would be the supervisor, along with me and a couple of others? Yes. Well, we gave it to Pat. Sorry!" I sputtered. I couldn't believe it. Pat had told me she only applied for the job because she was certain I'd get a teaching position, so therefore she'd be in danger of having somebody unpleasant run the WC. She didn't even want it, and certainly didn't need it financially. I had been holding off applying for medicaid for my kids because I just wanted to see what I could get, job wise, at the school. Staring at the applications, I realized it was the only way my kids would get health care. I heard the echoing empty words that are always told to the loser, the words the boss says to make HERSELF feel better. "It was a hard choice...we had a rough time deciding...." Yeah, it's always a hard choice. I've heard it before. Tell me something new...a new lie...one that I can believe...
They had trapped me good. I couldn't just up and go to another job. They had me at the bargain basement price they had purchased my slavery for the previous year, and they KNEW the way I was dedicated to the students meant I was limited in job choices. That is, I can't leave my kids in the middle of a semester. THEY KNEW I felt that way, and so it was so cool: save the bad news until three days before school starts so that she can't run and we get to keep her for cheap.
Humiliated, demoralized, I dragged my feet for the first few weeks. Teaching had once been such a joy, but now that I knew what I was really worth at Tech, the enthusiasm had been sucked out of me.
What saddens me the most is that I know for sure that I care more for those students than any teacher on that staff. Somehow, that seems to be a negative. How the hell did THAT happen?
So, now I stare at my resume again. Cover letter? Another teaching job? How shall I be destroyed this time? Will you let me get to the end again so I can see the finish line, only to scream denied and slam the window shut on my fingers? I know that I can't succeed unless I try. I know every single happy good touchy feely positive perky "The sun'll come out tomorrow!" piece of shite that I've been fed by friends and family for the last year. It's the same shite I feed to MY family and friends, too. But you know what? I can't believe it. I can't believe in it again or I really, truly will be completely crushed.
And now to convince myself to submit the forms before I take off on Saturday for France. I can't wait for the vacation. Two weeks with the love of my life and my darling son in one of the most facinating countries in the world...damn, do I ever need the break!
posted by Kira | 11:04 AM
1 Comments:
I'm sitting here crying, Kira, because what you've written here really hits on exactly how I feel about all this. I can't even seem to get so much as an interview with most of the jobs that I truly appear to be qualified for. All these people keep saying, "Oh, you'll be okay. It's not so bad." And they make me sick. Our English department at CU is filled with great big egos, but I sincerely do not believe they would do anything like what Marianne and Robin did to you with the instructorship and WC supervisor job. Although we have monumental ego problems, the things run a lot more like they are supposed to, I believe. At Tech, I was always appalled at how unprofessional they could be. It is DISGUSTING to know that we have master's degrees and make so little, you know. We have kids to support, but fucktards like Gabe are getting jobs with salaries in the 40s. When I applied for that ETS job, it was down to me and one other person. They decided the professors wouldn't respect me because I have a nose ring (wish they would have bothered to ask a few of the professors who happen to freaking know me), and that the other lady, who had corporate training experience blew me away with her technical skills. It was a job teaching computer skills to the college kids, for crying out loud! Corporate training would be more like that than teaching high school for five years? As for her technical experience, she didn't even know how to use Excel, and so the first workshop she was supposed to teach had to be done by someone else. I have to hold on to my positive believe system here though - one day, all this hard work that we do, all this passion that we have for teaching... well, all that is going to have to pay off, right? Fill out the application. I know the grad students who'll be applying too, and trust me, they aren't so stellar.
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