It's Monday

Monday is always a crap day for me. Well, I understand that it's a crap day for most people. However, for me there is the added dimension beyond, "Oh god it's time to go to work." Sunday is always the day either Alex leaves to go back to school, or I leave him to return here. By Monday, I'm depressed on some level or another. I haven't gotten used to it yet. I thought I'd be so glad that he wasn't in France and we saw each other once every couple of months, but I've gotten greedy. Weekends aren't enough for me. I need more. And the hard cold fact is: if he gets that internship in Columbia, and then he gets into the last year program at USC, it's two more years of this arrangement. Weekends...holidays...whenever I can escape or he can. But not every day. No, not every day...not for at least two years.

Two years. Is it better than never? Sure. I'll take a two year wait for the man of my dreams over instantly having a jackass or being back in my marriage or even being totally alone. I know I can do it. It's just hard on me, and it gets harder on the kids too as time goes by. They expect him here. They get confused when he has to leave or isn't here when they arrive. I've explained the whole school thing to them, but they don't seem to like it (or rather, Ari doesn't...Jared can deal with it even though he likes Alex because no Alex means he gets to be the only man in my life! Haha! It's the same reason why he seems to prefer his dad being away from me too. Oedipus complex!).

I'm also getting sick of being a "good" girl and smacking Alex onto the sofa when the kids are here to create the right sort of impression or whatnot. I want Alex IN MY BED whenever he is here. But I know the only way around that is to get married....brrr....married...again? *makes small whimpering noises*

One thing that Alex and I do that is so different from any guy I have ever been with is storyweaving. No, it's not likely to ever get published, but Alex and I sometimes talk on the net and create characters for stories...then post back and forth as our characters would act and interact. It entertains us. We get into our characters and eventually the tale ends, sort of like a three book series. We have done fantasy settings and modern settings, and created all sorts of complex people to fill up our worlds. Wow, a guy who WRITES with me! How cool is THAT?

****

So, Ariana has a program at school this Thursday from 5p until 8p. I had to "make" the ex go by guilt as he would never want to go to this sort of function unless I pointed out to him (rather deliberately) that his daughter would be very hurt if he didn't show up. The family unit has to bring a dish for the potluck before the performance. Of course that means I'm going to do it, as Rob can't do anything beyond grill out stuff or heat frozen meals or pizzas. Since we have to show up as a family unit, this means that I will feel odd giving them a dish for Rob too. Hell, I get a divorce and I'm still doing crap for him. Oh well.

Then Friday I drive back down to Columbia, so I can meet with my friends Maureen and Eric as well as stay with Alex for the weekend. Poor Alex is being thrust under the noses of so many of my friends now. He's almost made the full tour.

The following weekend I probably should start packing for my trip to France. Woohoo! I can't wait to go there with Alex and Jared. I just wish Ari could come too, but she can't miss school. Sigh. Problem: I'm already in my top size of my wardrobe, a size 8. Why is this a problem? I gain weight every time I go to France. I eat my way through the blasted country and gain enough weight for one to two sizes of clothing. Hmmm I have no idea how I'll make it this time as I have NO CLOTHES of a bigger size. I may end up coming back on the plane naked. Surely, though, no one can expect me to not eat cheese and chocolate tarts and drink wine while there? Right? I wish I had Angie's determination with healthier living, though. I wouldn't be in this mess if I could just stay motivated (esp when exercise is concerned!).

Question: should I go into "training" for wine drinking for France? That'd force me to have a glass of wine with every dinner between now and when I leave, just like I'd do there. I did that last visit, and I had more alcohol in one week than I had typically in three months...haha! God I can't wait to go though! Two weeks, and I get to show off my handsome and clever son to his family. They've never gotten to meet Jared!