The Ways in Which Women are Stupid

I believe this entry will be an ongoing one.

This entry was inspired by daydreaming. I was counting up how many of my female friends in particular were doing one of the following: a) chasing after inappropriate men; b) in a relationship that clearly should end unless the man shapes up; or c) pining away/still in love with a hopping Penis of a Man.

I've seen men make some lousy choices with women in the past. It's not like this disease is exclusive of the female gender. However, I just see way more women going down these paths than men.

Please also understand that when I write about the above issues, I can also write from personal experience. I'm not saying that I'm so wise and all other women are just fools. Nope! I've been the fool repeatedly in relationships. I feel now that I'm at a good place, and now I write from hindsight. Beautiful thing, hindsight, eh?

1) He's got so much potential!

UG. This man is also known as the "fixer upper." You can't find the man of your dreams, so you find the man who is almost there and plan on doing some work on him. He's smart and funny and chemically attractive to you, so you decide to tweak the rest of the DNA to get the rest of the package. I think I've metioned my mom's words of wisdom on this topic, right? Marry the man you don't want to change! It becomes a more critical issue as you get older. Why spend all this time building your own man when you can wait a year or two, not get your heart broken in the meanwhile while you enjoy your friends and life, and THEN find a man who comes already perfect for YOU (not perfect--no human can manage that one--just perfect for YOU), already pre-made for your convenience!

Sometimes you think you've "fixed" an issue and it crops up again and again, too. That's another reason why you want to make sure you follow my therapist's advice: find a man who does what he does NATURALLY, not because he is trying to impress you. Ladies, one day he'll "get" you, and then the need to impress will go away. If he's naturally a slob but cleans up for you, one day you'll be doing all the cleaning when the glow of that first romance wears off. Trust me on this one. Can people change? Sure! But they don't change fundamental ways of thinking or life philosophy generally. If a person is, at heart, lazy, you won't ever have a man who can keep up with your high energy...if a person is, at heart, a pig, you won't ever have help keeping the house clean...if a person is, at heart, selfish, you won't ever feel like your emotions are any sort of priority.

Note, males: this can also be applied to the women in your life. Or note, lesbians: ditto.

2) Yes, I know he screams at me...but he doesn't hit me!

Oh please. Verbal abuse can be at least as damaging as physical abuse. Some people, when agitated, raise their voices. I'm not talking about raising a voice a bit to show emotion either. I'm talking about screaming. Yelling. Waking the kids up or disturbing the neighbors. No man should be yelling at you unless it's to scream, "GET OUT OF THE WAY BEFORE THAT TRUCK HITS YOU!" Do we understand, ladies? Screaming is unacceptable. Namecalling is unacceptable. Disrespect becomes a pattern.

"But Kira, every guy I ever dated screams when he's mad, you're being unrealistic!"

No, I'm not. My mom said my dad has yelled at her ONCE in almost 45 years. Just once. She told him that she wouldn't put up with it and my dad listened. My brothers never yell at gf's, wives, sig others of any sort. Alex doesn't yell. You can argue and get your point across without being abusive. I swear.

I find a lot of people with this mentality have been abused more severely in a previous relationship so that the current relationship seems great by comparison. Note to women: if male X was a TOTAL asshole, that doesn't mean you have to stay with male Z because he's "just" an ASSHOLE. Are we getting it? Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable. It's not less unacceptable because he doesn't do it that much.

3) We have kids. I have to stay for them.

WAKE UP!!!!! You will do more damage by staying. The result of a woman staying with a man in a bad relationship because he's the father of their children means that the children have the following result: daughters learn to expect the treatment your man gives you, and she will repeat the pattern in her own relationship. Sons see their father act that way and look to him as a model of how to act like a man. He then does the same things to his wife one day. Hell, what interests me a lot is how much one or more of the kids end up hating or ignoring or disliking the jerk who is triggering the uncomfortable situation in the household.

My friend Colin (aka Bellybutton) has thanked me repeatedly for getting out of my situation. His parents didn't divorce until he was 2o or 21. He tried to kill himself four times, has been in and out of therapy, and has been on several antidepressants. He narrows it down to witnessing the hell in his house. He also got to be the scapegoat for all of his mom's frustrations with her relationship with his father. Weeee.

Yes, I know there is conflicting information on how divorce affects children. When I first mentioned to my parents my intent to move out and go on, I got a slew of articles sent to me by my very Catholic mother on how my children would be scarred for life all because I walked out. However, if you see my kids today you'll understand why I know for sure I made the right decision. And now I get to model the EXACT kind of relationship that I hope my kids will have one day with the right man! I know too many people whose parents stayed together too long, and their comments to me were that they wished their parents had split up much earlier. YES, if person A leaves just because she is bored of the relationship, it will horridly affect the children. I'm not talking about that sort of situation. I'm talking about the situation wherein everybody who sees the two of them interact KNOWS they don't belong together.

If you pull off your wedding ring when your husband isn't around, that's a sign you need to leave. Hell, my whole body reacted negatively to my marriage after Rob thwacked my head. I couldn't keep the ring on my hand! Seriously! I would talk and use an Italian hand gesture, and WOOSH that sucker would fling off my hand, become a projectile, and friends would dodge it. Ahhhh the wisdom of my body, telling me what I already knew. Something is obviously wrong if you are trying to pull off your wedding ring, and you're a fool if you think the kids don't pick up on that. Kids pick up on everything.

4) I deserve what is being done to me

I can't help this one. I think I've felt that way a thousand times. It's not just low self-esteem; most of the time, my self-esteem is ok. It's just that sensation you feel when you are treated poorly for a long, long time. You begin to think, well, if I didn't deserve it, he'd treat me differently. No other man would want me...or if a man did, he'd be worse than what I've got.

Who cares if no other man wants you. Being single can totally rock. Buy lots of vibrators and dildos; buy a stepstool; buy a jar opener. There you go. Man-in-a-box without that annoying leave the toilet seat up and the toothpaste cap off feature!

Let me tell you what happens when you have this mentality and you start to date a man who treats you right: you start to stare at him funny and think, my god, I don't deserve this. Why are you so NICE to me? When I first met Alex, I actually had to run off to the bathroom to cry a couple of times because he was so nice to me and I couldn't figure out WHY. For the record, though, now I expect it :D

And you SHOULD expect it. You should expect to treat him like gold, and you should expect to be treated like gold. You deserve it, and so does he (as long as he's doing the same to you he deserves it I mean).

You don't deserve being treated poorly. I don't care how old you are....how ugly you think you are....how bitchy you've been told you are to the point wherein you believe it...how many men you've slept with...you deserve to be pampered and loved. The end. Shake yourself and repeat several times in front of the mirror.

5) He's the only one who understood me/I connected with/who really loved me even though it went away, and now even though he dumped me and moved on....or just moved away...I can't forget him

First of all, there's more than one man out of planet Earth's billions who will understand you and you'll connect with. There are more men who will REALLY love you, and some of those men will REALLY stay with you and not get committment phobic or get scared and run or whatever it is that made him flee.

Second of all, I have a theory on why you can't forget him. Let me play amateur psychologist right now. You did a few activities with fellow X that were very pleasurable--and I'm not even necessarily talking about sex! Now you have a pavlovian response to seeing that fellow = pleasurable activities. Your mouth waters, literally....haha! Find others who can fill that role and you'll be better off. For instance, if you connect him with the love of enjoying a good meal and the pleasure that follows, find another person--even a friend--who can fill that need you have that makes you feel that joy. I have an eating buddy, but unfortunately she lives in Tampa. Still, when I was in high school, Lee was my eating buddy, and I have a TON of good associations related to food because of this mental link. Did this man make you feel relaxed and happy? WHY? What situations were you in when you felt this way? Can you duplicate it? The more you realize you can get that "rush" elsewhere, the more likely you are to let go.

The best part is when you finally DO let go and realize, oh shit, not only have I found a man who has all of those qualities I loved in the man I miss so much, but he treats me better! OR...you realize, wow, being single is fun and I have friends who can do for me what he did.

6) I met this guy who is terrific but I can't be interested in him....what's wrong with me?

Welcome to womanhood. I know too many women who just can't be interested unless the man is totally or at least partially wrong for her. Why? I have NOT figured this one out yet at all. Women seem to like the devil in their man. The best men don't always have the devil in 'em. What a problem! And if there's no chemistry, there's no chemistry. I know of a particular man who shall remain nameless, and he is just wonderful. I've known him for what, 17 years or so now? I often ponder why I haven't been able to be drawn to him because we have so much in common and he's just so damn great. He knows how to treat a woman. He's funny, smart, interesting...why no chemistry from my end? What the hell's wrong with me? I feel very grateful that I COULD be pulled to Alex because he's just terrific. Why couldn't I get drawn to the other fellow? It would have been soooo much better for me to have dated him than the men who pulled me towards them. Ah, well, I can't figure out hormones, so this particular point will have to be left incomplete. If anybody has any thoughts on this one, I'd love to hear it.

Ok, there ya go. My musings for this Sunday evening.