Numb

Today, a student of mine who works in the ER in an upstate hospital felt obligated to tell me about what is, perhaps, the single most upsetting case of child abuse I have ever had the misfortune to know existed.

Folks, I worked for the Department of Social Services as a foster care worker for a year. If I tell you "This is the worst case of child abuse I've ever heard," let's just assume it's the sort of thing that will make you run to the toilet and vomit.

I almost did. I'm not sure I won't, actually. Every time the images come to my head unbidden, I feel nauseated and I visibly shudder. Once or twice I convulsed.

How can someone do that to a four week old baby...to anybody, really, but especially a teeny tiny four week old baby? I've opted not to inform the world on my blog what happened. Why, you ask? I originally wanted to post it because I thought it would help me get over it, but then I realized...I'd be sending the rest of you home crying or vomiting or shuddering or just plain numb. And I can't do that. It's probably why we never saw about this case in the local papers. Some things we just don't want to see or hear, EVER.

I never thought I could shoot somebody. I'm squeamish about certain things. My standard joke was always, wanna make me a vegetarian? Tell me I have to kill my own food! Sure, I always knew I could hurt somebody in self-defense, or absolutely if a person tried to hurt my kids, the person would be visiting hell sooner than he or she planned. But just outright kill a person with a gun or poison or whatnot? Brrrr! Scary! I have been thinking about this male biological father THING that did unspeakable things to his four week old daughter and killed her in a brutal fashion, and I realized: if the gov't said, Kira, we will kill him but you have to do it, I'd be able to do it. I'm not sure if that scared me or comforted me to know I could take care of the Monster.

Monster.

See, I guess that's the crux of it. I really can't conceptualize anybody capable of doing such a fiendish thing as a Human Being. Therefore, would it be worse than killing a chicken for dinner? No. It is the culling of the herd. It is justice. It is the squashing of an ant. But it most certainly is NOT murder of a person. And that is why I realized that I could do it. Wow, I could ACTUALLY pull out a gun and blow a thing's head off that resembled a human and not regret a second of it...amazing.

I learn new things about myself every day. At least I don't get bored.

****

So, now the current fretful worry is: can Alex get an internship here? Apparently there just aren't that many in SC, and certainly not so many for foreigners. I can't handle being separated from him for a year while he is interning in France. If that happens, I suppose Amanda and I will be hitting up every shop we can find for the latest rabbits together...

It appears that after 9/11, it has become a lot harder for folks to get green cards. Unfortunately, it's also much harder for the French than other countries. I don't have to spell the illogical reasoning of our gov't out on that one for you, now do I? Damnit. It also appears that marrying him might not solve the problem...but hey, I'm willing to try just about anything ;)

Alex DOES have two of his three professors pulling for him because he's impressed them so much. You want to know something hilarious? Alex doesn't think he is smart. No, really. He doesn't! He has an exceptional skill with numbers, and yet he doesn't perceive himself to be intelligent. His Global Finance teacher told him his work was outstanding and that he had a natural gift for finance. I'm not surprised! That's one of the professors who is going to bat for him. I remember once Alex looking puzzled as I insisted that he was brilliant. He seemed to struggle with the idea that I was using such a strong adjective. However, one day we were talking and I told him how there were a few things that were non-negotiables for me about being attracted to a guy. The main thing is that I can't date a guy with lower than a gifted level IQ. Am I an intellectual snob? Yes, perhaps...but just like some women can't be attracted to a short man or a man can be turned off by a woman who doesn't shave, I just have never managed to be attracted to an even average intellect man. Can't do it. Just...holds no interest. I like to be able to talk to a man about the world and have him follow me or him lead and ME follow. When looks fade, the brains are what is left. That's why looks are a lower priority for me on the scale of things. It's brains FIRST. As I said that, his conclusions made me laugh! He said...and I kid you not here...

Well, I know you do not lie. So if you tell me that you cannot date a dumb man, and that you only date intelligent men, then I suppose that MUST mean I'm intelligent.

Wow! Well, if that's what it takes! He's kicking butt at that IMBA program because he IS brilliant...so there! And I'm very proud. Now I just hope it can work out for an internship. Brrrr just can't think of him being away from me for another year...just can't....brrrr