...And That's Good Parenting!

So, I have standard behavior when the kids continuously ask for things when we're in stores. The most embarrassing way is to bust out with, "You can't always get what you want/you can't always get what you want/you can't always get what you want/but if you try sometimes/you just might find/you get what you NEEEEED!"

The second one is what happened in Publix. Unfortunately, it almost caused the woman on the chip and soda aisle to have heart failure from laughing too hard. Hey, it wasn't THAT funny...or maybe it is and I just don't realize how dry I deliver my lines.

My daughter was asking for some brand of chips, and my son was asking for some brand of soda. Now, note: soda is only available to my kids when we GO places. It's the "special treat." Also, I buy a bag of chips a MONTH for all of us to eat at most. And we already had our bag at home. As they continued to beg and whine, I just retorted seriously, "Oh, you want soda and chips? Really? Well, I want a million dollars!" I think the lady was trying not to show she was laughing at that point, but she lost it when the kids repeated their request one more time. "Well, guess what, guys?" was my response, "I think the likelihood right now of you getting soda and chips is about the same as me getting... A MILLION DOLLARS!" That's when she started laughing really hard, and I looked over, confused for a brief moment before I realized she was laughing at me. Oh, well!

I have a deep sense of sarcasm I suppose. It's like when my son and my daughter were squabbling over and over again all day long, and towards the end of the day my daughter complained that Jared just "RUINED" this toy. I tossed off without thinking, "Well, that's ok because both of you have RUINED my peace and quiet!" Alex was there for that one and he just started laughing at me. Hey, if you can't laugh and joke about it, you just go mad!

One day, though, DSS will come and investigate because my sense of humor is so wack. Periodically Ari will do something and I'll ask her to stop, and then she'll say, "Well, what if I don't?" like a smart ass. And my usual response is something like, "Well, then, I'll KILL YOU and leave your corpse out back on the stack with the other children's bodies!" This usually makes her cackle, so maybe the authorities will understand I'm joking. The ironic part is that neither my four year old son nor my seven year old daughter have ever once been even spanked by me. I use other methods of discipline that seem to be much more effective. Besides, as my mom said to me once, "Sometimes it's best not to spank because you're so mad you're not sure you'll ever stop!" That was in reference to my brother Mark who was a holy hell of a handful. Wow, note that amazing alliteration! I'm an Old English scop! Woohoo!

My daughter began understanding sarcasm at three years old because of my personality. That can't be bad, right?

*****

Ok, so I found out I destroyed a student of mine's diet, but let me state for the record: I am happy I did so. Very, very skinny women should not diet. So there.

Kayla went through Eng 101 with me last term and always--I mean every single class--had food with her. It was never food that was healthy, either. We're talking candy bars, potato chips, doughnuts, cookies, sodas, etc. So, she starts up Eng 102 with me and the first week, out of three classes, she only had food one day. Then for two weeks...no food! I was shocked. I started teasing her about it, and she laughed.

So, Alex was in school with me one day and I had packed him a ton of food. Why, you ask? Well, he had woken up at 3a to catch a ride at 4a and then be driven here and there before arriving at school for me to see him at 730a. I knew he'd have no food and be tired. I brought caffeine and candy and sandwiches and snacks. When I noticed Kayla had no food again, I joked with her about it and told her I was "very concerned" and then tossed her a kit kat bar out of the bag I brought for Alex. The whole class laughed, and so did she. Now, it honestly never occured to me that she was on a diet. Folks, she probably is all of maybe 5'5" and AT MOST wears a size 4. Come on.

So she teased me yesterday. She told me her sister was on a diet and demanded that she join it because her sister couldn't do it alone, so she did. And she said, "I held out a whole week...until you tossed me that kit kat bar!" I shook my head and told her, well, I'm glad I did then, because you're skinny enough as it is! She laughed and took it well...apparently she just wanted to tease me back. We all know my feelings about the stupidity of America's ideal of womanhood being a skeleton with skin thrown on it, right? So yes...I would not normally EVER want to smash a person's diet, but damnit, even to help out her sister she couldn't afford to lose weight, so I suppose it was ok.