Doing It All

I read an interesting article today on the net about mothers who, basically, do too much and feel like they are losing their minds. These moms--a large portion of American women--do not have the luxury of hiring a nanny or a maid or other help to assist with life, and are also too broke to NOT work when they have kids. Yet, they want to be the perfect moms and sacrifice sleep and sanity in order to do Way Too Much. For some reason, the article struck a chord with me. The paragraph that amused me the most, however, was about how the author had been living in France and had to see a French doctor about the awful splitting headaches she was getting constantly. The doctor prescribed a painkiller for her, but he shook his head at her and told her he wasn't sure it would help. He added, If you keep pounding your head against the wall, you can expect to have headaches.

You know, that is both funny and hellaciously on target. How often do we persist in doing too much just to make sure that we do things right? Well, in my family it's a way of life. I think sometimes that I'm pushing myself too hard, but then I look at my sister and I realize I'm living life in the slow lane. My mom used to "do it all" with four kids. Granted, she didn't have to work outside the home, but still! She had FOUR kids and there was ALWAYS a homemade meal on the table at night plus a fresh baked goody for dessert. I wish I had that kind of energy. I used to do that when I just had Ariana and myself at home...we always had dinner, the house was fairly tidy, I baked goodies often, I did little crafts projects with her, I read to her often...I felt like supermom. Of course, that was before the days of being pregnant with Jared and all that happened with my ex.

See, within a few weeks of giving birth to Jared, a rift opened up in our backyard. Satan leaped out of said rift in the ground and then dove into my ex's body. If folks want to know where Satan was in 2000, I can answer that question: Pumpkintown, SC. Being married to satan was rough, I tell you! It drained all the life out of me and made me unable to do for Jared what I did for Ariana. It was all about survival at that point.

Oh, and if you are wondering where Satan is TODAY, well, I can only tell you where his ASS is...at least, I know Amanda is aware of its location. The rest of Satan is back down in hell.

I sometimes fantasize about returning to that point. I like teaching, but I hate missing out on time with Jared that I got to spend with Ari at the same age. Ari lucked out: she got me all the way until she went to kindergarten. Jared just got me until two and a half years, and what he had of me was distracted and depressed half the time. I know life isn't fair, but I really feel Jared was totally cheated out of what he deserved. I fantasize about getting remarried to a great man, having another child, being able to stay home with said child for a few years and doing all sorts of wife and mom things, and THEN returning to teaching again after I felt that I had given my children more of their mother....more of their mother to keep them warm even long after I was gone, cloaked in the memories of our time together and the love that I gave them. In the most perfect of worlds, when I returned to teaching I'd teach three classes a semester because then I could still do lots of mommy things with my children. I LOVE cooking. At the very least, I want to return to making a meal nearly every night for my family...FROM SCRATCH. Screw that mix shit! I buy my bread and sometimes pizza crust, but everything else is made from the beginnings in this house. I'd rather have a little of something that tasted GREAT than a lot that tastes like cardboard.

Anyway, I understand what that article meant. Sometimes we try so hard to be perfect that we lose sight of what is really important and what is even POSSIBLE to do. If I take headache medicine for a headache, I want it to be from allergies or a cold, NOT from banging my head against a wall. And that's that.