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Location: Upstate, South Carolina, United States

I think that the Meredith Brooks' song, "Bitch," summarizes me rather nicely. Or, if you prefer, X. dell says I'm a life-smart literary scholar with a low BS tolerance...that also works!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Goin' to Columbia

Yes, my friends, this afternoon I leave to head to Columbia to visit the wonderful Alex. I am SO looking forward to it. Usually in a relationship, I spoil the man to the best of my ability, but I've had little spoiling in return. With Alex, I am totally spoiled rotten in return, so I am bouncing in anticipation of some serious pampering here!

Of course, every woman has a different definition of pampering. Alex takes it to an extreme. My sister told him once, "You plan on making the bar SO HIGH that no other man can EVER fill it, and so she'll stick with you forever. That's what you're doing. Right?" To which Alex replied, solemnly, "You have seen through my evil plan."

He is, after all, the man who has strewn rosepetals across my bed...who remembered a year and a half later that I wanted blue satin sheets for my bed when I moved into my apartment and then BOUGHT them for me to wait for me on my doorstep...and who does sweet things like tumble out of bed before me, walk down to the little cafe that is in the business school building he goes to at USC, and bring me back a croissant and hot chocolate. I get nightly massages, and I don't EVER have to ask! WOOOHOO!

I can't afford a spa. Therefore, I go to Chez Alex for spa treatment.

I keep wondering, though, if I'll ever need all four of Alex's Training Slots. Hof has told us, the females in blogland, all about how men can only learn FOUR (4) things, and if you try to teach them five (5), one of the others will then lapse back to normal. He admonishes us to choose carefully and wisely.

So far I've only used one though. ONE!

I had to teach him to close the shower curtain when he came out of the shower rather than leave it open. Training consisted of: "hey Alex, could you close the curtain whenever you get out of the shower? It makes the curtain dry faster and less water stay on it, which then means I don't have to clean it as often." "Ok."

I can't teach him not to snore. He has a deviated septum. Sooner or later, he has to have surgery for that sucker.

Three whole slots. What do I do to fill them???? He does housework, puts his dirty clothes in the hamper, leaves the toliet seat down, cleans up any mess he makes, puts the toothpaste cap back on, gives me attention without smothering me, and buys me chocolates and/or roses for no reason. What possible behavior item IS there to fix on him? Gah! Oh well. I can always save the three slots for later, right?

14 Comments:

Blogger April said...

Hhmmm, having those slots open is good. You can always save them for another time. Even when you're 80 you can say, "Alex, remember those 3 slots I still have open? Well I'm using one for your damn dentures! Please stop leaving them in bed. I don't care if they're falling out, pick those suckers up and put them back in. I layed down for my afternoon nap and I felt your damn teeth poking my back!"

7:04 AM  
Blogger Joseph H. Vilas said...

You do put the shower curtain in the washer, don't you? I've run into people who haven't learned that one yet, and scrub it by hand.

8:13 AM  
Blogger Kira said...

SC--LOL! Sounds like the redhead is being wise with her choices there!

April--HAHA! Yes, you're right. Who knows what bad habits he might then pick up with age? I should save them!

Joe--yes, I've put mine in the washer before, but this ONLY works if you didn't buy it at the dollar store.

It's still a pain in the ass to take it down and hang it back up. I'd rather not do it that often. Sigh.

11:17 AM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well, hell, I can do all that, and I don't snore. Plus which I am willing to give booby rubs, fanny pats and hickeys. I am only 3 times your age. My picture is under "Singles (I lied) in Salem, Oregon: I am willing to help you spend your money. Sex is no object because I have no prostate, but I am willing to rent you out occasionally." What say?

12:32 PM  
Blogger WordWhiz said...

Geez...I come here to find that my buddy Snake is two-timing me!! (Kidding...he's a peach, ain't he?)

Have a great weekend. I haven't filled any of my slots yet either, but I've only been dating Paul for two months. Something is BOUND to come up. (or not??) So far, so good! Generally you exceed that limit of 4 within the first couple of weeks!! :-)

1:53 PM  
Blogger cookie monster said...

your going to colombia? say hi to uncle escobar for me!!!

4:26 PM  
Blogger SS said...

have a great time in columbia, but i don't have to tell you that do i?

4:34 PM  
Blogger NWJR said...

I think you should save one of those slots to teach him incredible oral sex techniques.

I mean, why waste it on putting the toilet seat down?

5:32 AM  
Blogger Joseph H. Vilas said...

[quickly adds nice, washable shower curtain to $50,000.00 All-Clad order]

1:24 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

I wish I had a Chez Alex *grumbling* Hell, I'd spring for a bottle of Hersheys syrup!! LOL

Hey, Joe, can you double that All Clad order? Kira can pay for mine too ;)

2:04 PM  
Blogger Jezzy said...

Slot 1 for Gav - do not pump the soap dispenser 5 times each times you use it or we'll run out of soap too quickly.

Slot 2 - I hate it when you squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube! (nup - he still does it)

I really don't think I've tried to teach him anything else. He already does most of the housework - I just cook - which I like anyway (in fact he complains because he wants to cook too sometimes.)

5:18 PM  
Blogger Canoes under my shoes said...

slot one...um....

Have fun this weekend!!!!

8:28 AM  
Blogger Joseph H. Vilas said...

Amanda, I hate to tell you this, but everyone has to "pay" their own way for the All-Clad. ;) Maybe what I ought to do is liberate the set I bought for an ex: I gave her her Xmas presents, and she never gave me squat. I got her a robe from Victoria's secret, too. Asi es la vida.

BTW, Kira, bleach-based sprays help w/not taking the shower curtain down so damn much.

8:51 AM  
Blogger GM said...

Use the three remaining slots to teach Alex the skills of:
[2] Search
[3] Destroy
[4] Destroy more
It'll lead to a greatly more fulfilling relationship, really! Well, as long as you don't mind having it in outer space after you flee and angry world... But hey, space is very romantic!

4:25 PM  

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