Paranoid Parenting
Welcome to paranoid parenting! Here, we discuss all the ways we are paranoid that we are ruining our child's life, or children's lives if appropriate!
Did everybody make their weekly contribution to the "Future Therapy Funds" jar? Good! Then we can proceed!
......sigh
I think it's normal for people to worry about parenting their kids. Am I doing it right? Will they be better off for having me as a parent? Am I putting him or her as the highest priority? What is GOOD to do, what is RIGHT to do, in this situation or that? If a person doesn't second guess the decisions made while in charge, I feel that the person can't claim to be a decent parent. Nobody's born with these skills. And honestly, no matter how great your parents were to YOU, every child is different and has different needs.
I always make jokes that I have to add an appropriate amount of money to the therapy savings account whenever I do something to or with the kids. Like, for instance, this week I decided that I was a Crap Mom because I forgot to pack up Ari's lunch the other day. It's the second time in three years I've managed to do this. What's the worst case scenario there? Well, the school lets her get food out of the cafeteria and I pay for it later. She gets fed. Still, when Ariana came home and told me she cried because she couldn't find her lunch and felt she must have misplaced it, I slumped. There's another $80 to the therapy fund, I thought.
Today's agitation started this morning. Ariana was reviewing her spelling list on the way to school because they get a spelling test every Friday. She's pulled up her spelling so that she now has straight A's. The quarter ends soon, and all she has to do is get an A on today's spelling test (she did) and next Friday's test and she has the A honor roll. I promised her a special prize if she managed to do so. Why did I do this? My parents NEVER did that. The OTHER kids got special prizes when they had all A's, but WE got a glass of Pepsi (we weren't allowed to have soda, ever, except four times a year if we were on the A or A/B honor roll). Repeatedly I asked my parents: why don't we get a prize for doing well? A nice pat on the back? Something? My parents responded: we have four kids getting fantastic grades. We'd be broke. Blah. I hated that. I know the reward should be "the grade itself," but...well, for little kids in particular, why CAN'T they also have a fun book or toy as a "congrats!" message? Anyway, Ari's drive to get her special prize made her review the words on the way to school. She's in second grade, and they do 10 to 12 words per week for spelling. My son, on the other hand, is in a K-4 program...preschool. They supposedly learn the alphabet instead, but Jared already knows it.
Ok, so there Ari is, rattling off her words and how to spell them, and suddenly, I hear Jared pipe up, "You forgot the N."
Oh shit. He was right.
Gaping like a fish, my mind went nuts. He's four! Most four year olds can't read, but I was three when I read, so why not? But...I didn't know! But...if I realized he was at a really high level of word recognition, I would have worked with him more and read to him more and of course I read to him and Ari reads to him too but oh my god, have I screwed him up by not assuming he was gifted enough to start reading????
No really. These were my paranoid thoughts. So, after I dropped them off at school, I tried to reason with myself that it was a fluke. He was a normal four year old. I had done him no disservice by not working with him like a tennis coach works with a prodigy. Then the doubts crept in...did I neglect his reading skills because Ari was so adept at math that I assumed that he, like her, would not be able to read before 5? I mean, I worked with her a LOT because she loved to read, and it still didn't happen before kindergarten. No, no, no, I reasoned. Jared has high word recognition, sure, but he doesn't know how to spell words. He's not fully ready to read. He's not even in kindergarten. You didn't screw up.
Then I picked up Jared and Ariana from school today. The teacher for his k-4 class RUNS!!! out to my car and opens up the door, babbling at me. "My goodness, you have such a smart child!" she tells me. "They were able to play with beads today and the beads had letters on them! He decided to make me a necklace, and on his own he pulled out Mrs. Jewell from all the letters, threaded it up, and presented it to me! He even got the MRS right!" she beamed. I thanked her, and my heart started going again.
My child. Genius. Stuck with a woman who is so tired from teaching school/Girl Scouts/running this house/counseling students that one story is quite enough at night to read, and we're done. In a stay-at-home parent family (an advantage Ariana got because I didn't start working until she started kindergarten!), he'd already be reading. Then the guilt started in about the failed marriage and how the stay-at-home parent, me, was ripped from him at two and a half years of age. Hell, of course the way my mind was going, I was also thinking...if it weren't for ME being his mother, by now he'd have cured cancer! Damnit!
Paranoia is such a beautiful thing!
Did everybody make their weekly contribution to the "Future Therapy Funds" jar? Good! Then we can proceed!
......sigh
I think it's normal for people to worry about parenting their kids. Am I doing it right? Will they be better off for having me as a parent? Am I putting him or her as the highest priority? What is GOOD to do, what is RIGHT to do, in this situation or that? If a person doesn't second guess the decisions made while in charge, I feel that the person can't claim to be a decent parent. Nobody's born with these skills. And honestly, no matter how great your parents were to YOU, every child is different and has different needs.
I always make jokes that I have to add an appropriate amount of money to the therapy savings account whenever I do something to or with the kids. Like, for instance, this week I decided that I was a Crap Mom because I forgot to pack up Ari's lunch the other day. It's the second time in three years I've managed to do this. What's the worst case scenario there? Well, the school lets her get food out of the cafeteria and I pay for it later. She gets fed. Still, when Ariana came home and told me she cried because she couldn't find her lunch and felt she must have misplaced it, I slumped. There's another $80 to the therapy fund, I thought.
Today's agitation started this morning. Ariana was reviewing her spelling list on the way to school because they get a spelling test every Friday. She's pulled up her spelling so that she now has straight A's. The quarter ends soon, and all she has to do is get an A on today's spelling test (she did) and next Friday's test and she has the A honor roll. I promised her a special prize if she managed to do so. Why did I do this? My parents NEVER did that. The OTHER kids got special prizes when they had all A's, but WE got a glass of Pepsi (we weren't allowed to have soda, ever, except four times a year if we were on the A or A/B honor roll). Repeatedly I asked my parents: why don't we get a prize for doing well? A nice pat on the back? Something? My parents responded: we have four kids getting fantastic grades. We'd be broke. Blah. I hated that. I know the reward should be "the grade itself," but...well, for little kids in particular, why CAN'T they also have a fun book or toy as a "congrats!" message? Anyway, Ari's drive to get her special prize made her review the words on the way to school. She's in second grade, and they do 10 to 12 words per week for spelling. My son, on the other hand, is in a K-4 program...preschool. They supposedly learn the alphabet instead, but Jared already knows it.
Ok, so there Ari is, rattling off her words and how to spell them, and suddenly, I hear Jared pipe up, "You forgot the N."
Oh shit. He was right.
Gaping like a fish, my mind went nuts. He's four! Most four year olds can't read, but I was three when I read, so why not? But...I didn't know! But...if I realized he was at a really high level of word recognition, I would have worked with him more and read to him more and of course I read to him and Ari reads to him too but oh my god, have I screwed him up by not assuming he was gifted enough to start reading????
No really. These were my paranoid thoughts. So, after I dropped them off at school, I tried to reason with myself that it was a fluke. He was a normal four year old. I had done him no disservice by not working with him like a tennis coach works with a prodigy. Then the doubts crept in...did I neglect his reading skills because Ari was so adept at math that I assumed that he, like her, would not be able to read before 5? I mean, I worked with her a LOT because she loved to read, and it still didn't happen before kindergarten. No, no, no, I reasoned. Jared has high word recognition, sure, but he doesn't know how to spell words. He's not fully ready to read. He's not even in kindergarten. You didn't screw up.
Then I picked up Jared and Ariana from school today. The teacher for his k-4 class RUNS!!! out to my car and opens up the door, babbling at me. "My goodness, you have such a smart child!" she tells me. "They were able to play with beads today and the beads had letters on them! He decided to make me a necklace, and on his own he pulled out Mrs. Jewell from all the letters, threaded it up, and presented it to me! He even got the MRS right!" she beamed. I thanked her, and my heart started going again.
My child. Genius. Stuck with a woman who is so tired from teaching school/Girl Scouts/running this house/counseling students that one story is quite enough at night to read, and we're done. In a stay-at-home parent family (an advantage Ariana got because I didn't start working until she started kindergarten!), he'd already be reading. Then the guilt started in about the failed marriage and how the stay-at-home parent, me, was ripped from him at two and a half years of age. Hell, of course the way my mind was going, I was also thinking...if it weren't for ME being his mother, by now he'd have cured cancer! Damnit!
Paranoia is such a beautiful thing!
posted by Kira | 4:00 PM
11 Comments:
This is of the times I have to tell Kira she is wrong. Ever since I met her in 2002, she has proven time and time again what a fantastic mother she is.
She has a way of dealing with children a way of reasoning with them that is ingenius. It isn't patience, it isn't being nice. It's every single one of the possible qualities that exist.
She deserves a gold medal...Or something else that I can provide. :D
You're a bad mother. Geez, you can't even keep a husband. And there's no way you're going to be able to put enough money in the therapy fund, because you don't make enough in your crappy job, and your kids are going to be too fucked up for therapy to help anyway. Give up now. Kill yourself and the kids in a flaming car crash. You'll feel better. :)
BTW, I'm not serious. Parenting is such a huge responsibility that I imagine most folks think they're fucking up their kids.
BTBTW, what happened to your anonymous net.abuser? Did the above make up for them going missing? :)
Please, SPANK us Kira! :) We love this place...
Kira, it IS weird about how we post the same things! I swear, I didn't see this before writing about the therapy jar!!!
I'm constantly second guessing myself, and feeling guilt. I know that I didn't bond as much with Lillian. She was a very colic-y baby and is still fairly demanding. I know she's smart, too, but I don't pay as much attention to her because I know she'll get by and do fine in life. She is adorable, she's above age level in many cognitive/language skills...she'll be O. K.
Stephanie, on the other hand, is pretty low functioning. I wonder what caused her to be that way? Was it the fact that she was two weeks overdue? Should I sue my OB? (no) Does she have a genetic syndrome? I still think she looks like a kid with Cornelia de Lange syndrome, even though the doctor poo-poo'd that hypothesis. Was it daddy's pickled sperm or was it because I dropped her on her head when she was eight weeks old (by accident, of course)? Was it because I jumped up and down one night when I was about one and a half weeks overdue screaming "GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME"??? What was it?
Then add to that the fact that I go off to work every day with other people's children with special needs and am too tired to work with my own when I get home...I'm just a quivering, gelatinous mass of guilt when it comes to parenting.
THEN (and I know you do this TOO), I worry about not meeting the needs of my kids at school! I've got a pretty high caseload (about 50 kids) and there are about five high needs kids that I don't feel I have time to serve adequately...
I'm snowballing in my guilt. I'd better stop and get on to the business I originally intended to when I began this post...
Mike and Michael...GET OVER HERE! You've been very bad boys!!! Pull down your pants!
FFFFFWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
if theres spanking going on can i put my name down?
Alex--showing your bias again, love?
Joe--bah :P Don't make fun of my mental disorders! And I think I made Asshole Abuser disappear with my last post when I reminded him that he was profoundly violating his own religious tenants.
M&M--I think Laura is enthusiastically starting. When her hand is tired, I will then start up with my own spanking! Whenever I hear somebody request a spanking, I think, "A spanking, a spanking! And THEN! The ORAL SEX!" God I love Monty Python.
Malia--but it's so hard not to beat myself up! I want to be perfect. Damnit. Especially where my children--who depend on me entirely--are involved. Sigh. But yes, I DO know that it's natural to feel like as a mother I'm not doing enough, and I need to realize that it's normal and step back. Still, it's hard to do!
Laura--yes, I worry about not meeting the needs of my students too, in addition to the parenting thing. Steph needs you more and so you feel tighter to her. I understand that one. When my Ex started his wig out phase, he began Jared's first year of life by ignoring him or snapping at him (as a newborn or infant, nonetheless). He normalized with Jared around Jared's first birthday and since then, has treated him with full love and adoration in his heart. However, I felt like I had to protect Jared from his father the first year, and I did NOT feel that need with Ariana since the Ex was acting well with her. So, for that one year of life, I felt closer to Jared as he "needed" me more. Steph needs you more and Lilian can make it easier as she is. I think it's a natural occurance, really. Doesn't mean you don't love Lilian; just means you have a special bond with Stephanie.
Tony--damn, you just love your spankings, don't you? Bend over baby! *thwack!*
Kira - the reason he can already spell is because he has such a GOOD mom, whom he probably hears helping his sister read and picks up on that. Don't worry - it will be okay. They are like little sponges at that age, and they soak up everything that they can when they're interested. It will all be fine. =o)
Angie--although you are probably right, I still feel some guilt for not being able to spend as much time with Jared reading as I did with Ariana. However, I suppose that if Jared is reading now, it's due to Ari as much as me. When she has stuff to read for classes, she reads it to Jared, so she reads to him as much as I do!
I talked to him about spelling out his teacher's name and this one cracked me up: he said you had to write "Mrs" and then put a stop sign there (! haha!), and THEN write "Jewell." Well, I suppose a period IS a stop sign! What a hilarious way to look at it!
Your paranoid parenting is far more paranoid than I had imagined. However, not paranoid in a bad way at all.
Sometimes I feel I'm being too strict, other times too lax. I also get frustrated with him easily under certain circumstances. Which bothers me. I'm always wondering what he's acting like in school because he's a completely different kid when he's not around me. A lot of which I blame on other children, then I blame myself for not instilling (completely) that he shouldn't worry about what the other kids do. ARGH!! Then I tell myself, he's only 7.
Parenting is NOT easy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
p.s. Ethan just now came up to me, from out of his bedroom because he SHOULD be sleeping, and asked me if he can get his ear pierced. Because Adam just got his ear pierced. I'd love to ram my fist down Adams mothers throat!!!!!
Good night!
April, Adam doesn't have a mother. He has a female that gave birth to him who wants to be his buddy and raise a friend. I've met women (and men) like that: no desire to be responsible. They just want the kid to like them so they let him do whatever he wants and even encourages this behavior.
Sigh. We need to get Ariana up there and have her cute blonde self smack a chiquita banana sticker on his nose! :)
K, does "profoundly violating your own religious tenants" mean cornholing the priest who rents from you? ;-P [ducks]
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