How To Be A Real Woman
I was a tomboy growing up. I bathed. I wore clean clothes. That was about it. If my clothes matched, hey, it was a great day!
As I became older, I realized that I didn't qualify as a "real woman." I didn't have the items necessary to count as one. My sister was disgusted at me and pointed out to me what I needed. I'm almost there!
A real woman needs the following:
a) Over 20 pairs of shoes. At least one pair has to be a pair that the woman bought just to match a single, solitary outfit OR is a pair of shoes that matches nothing, but that woman KNOWS ONE DAY she will find the perfect outfit...
b) More than 5 shades of lipstick.
c) Sexy underwear and bras
d) Lingerie
e) At least one (1) Chick Magazine around the house (note: romance novels can substitute)
f) At least five (5) DVDs or VCR tapes that could qualify as chick movies
g) Something lacy, flowery, or pastel-ish
h) No fewer than five (5) bottles of stuff in the shower. These items can include shampoo, conditioner, body wash, shaving gel, facial scrub, deep intensive hair treatment, etc.
i) Several different types of moisturizer and lotion
j) All closet and drawer space must be filled over capacity with clothes
k) Something nice smelling (perfume, candles, or incense)
Hmmm...I'm probably missing some items. If anybody can think of what to add, let me know! I'm still working on this "woman" thing here. I'm getting there. I can't EVER do the southern woman behavior of subtlety and sweetness. Sigh. Therefore, it's imperative that I fulfill the rest of this list so I can pretend I'm a woman otherwise! haha!
EDIT
How the hell did I forget purses/handbags????
l) At least five (5) purses or handbags. These purses can match shoes or outfits.
m) The main handbag/purse must have odd crap in it. Every woman's purse should have slightly different odd crap in it. "Normal" crap is a wallet, brush, makeup items, checkbook, cell phone, and gum/mints. A pen or pencil is also considered normal. Odd crap is not necessarily an item that you don't think belongs in a purse. Odd crap just simply isn't found in the vast majority of women's purses.
Odd item examples (all items I have either had in my purse in the past or am carrying now): an address book, keys on a keychain to nothing that I own or go to, a fold up cup, the entire medicine cabinet (sudafed, claritin, excedrin, actifed, you name it), a wine bottle opener (hey, you never know!), letters I received years ago, hair bands, bubbles, French flashcards (you wanna bet Cookie makes another French letters joke?), d&d dice, paper clips, coupons, letters to mail, hand lotion, various food items, random small children's toys, books, magazines, collar with D ring and a leash (no. don't ask. no really. just don't), or underwear (again, it's just best to not ask). Just about anything that you cart around that can fit into said purse will count.
As I became older, I realized that I didn't qualify as a "real woman." I didn't have the items necessary to count as one. My sister was disgusted at me and pointed out to me what I needed. I'm almost there!
A real woman needs the following:
a) Over 20 pairs of shoes. At least one pair has to be a pair that the woman bought just to match a single, solitary outfit OR is a pair of shoes that matches nothing, but that woman KNOWS ONE DAY she will find the perfect outfit...
b) More than 5 shades of lipstick.
c) Sexy underwear and bras
d) Lingerie
e) At least one (1) Chick Magazine around the house (note: romance novels can substitute)
f) At least five (5) DVDs or VCR tapes that could qualify as chick movies
g) Something lacy, flowery, or pastel-ish
h) No fewer than five (5) bottles of stuff in the shower. These items can include shampoo, conditioner, body wash, shaving gel, facial scrub, deep intensive hair treatment, etc.
i) Several different types of moisturizer and lotion
j) All closet and drawer space must be filled over capacity with clothes
k) Something nice smelling (perfume, candles, or incense)
Hmmm...I'm probably missing some items. If anybody can think of what to add, let me know! I'm still working on this "woman" thing here. I'm getting there. I can't EVER do the southern woman behavior of subtlety and sweetness. Sigh. Therefore, it's imperative that I fulfill the rest of this list so I can pretend I'm a woman otherwise! haha!
EDIT
How the hell did I forget purses/handbags????
l) At least five (5) purses or handbags. These purses can match shoes or outfits.
m) The main handbag/purse must have odd crap in it. Every woman's purse should have slightly different odd crap in it. "Normal" crap is a wallet, brush, makeup items, checkbook, cell phone, and gum/mints. A pen or pencil is also considered normal. Odd crap is not necessarily an item that you don't think belongs in a purse. Odd crap just simply isn't found in the vast majority of women's purses.
Odd item examples (all items I have either had in my purse in the past or am carrying now): an address book, keys on a keychain to nothing that I own or go to, a fold up cup, the entire medicine cabinet (sudafed, claritin, excedrin, actifed, you name it), a wine bottle opener (hey, you never know!), letters I received years ago, hair bands, bubbles, French flashcards (you wanna bet Cookie makes another French letters joke?), d&d dice, paper clips, coupons, letters to mail, hand lotion, various food items, random small children's toys, books, magazines, collar with D ring and a leash (no. don't ask. no really. just don't), or underwear (again, it's just best to not ask). Just about anything that you cart around that can fit into said purse will count.
posted by Kira | 5:13 PM
12 Comments:
Hmmm, I'm missing 4 shades of lipstick and something lacy, flowery, or pastel-ish. Does lacy lingerie count??
I guess after my not-so-subtle questions today, we can safely assume my Southern belle card may be revoked in the near future, yes?
I have proof you are a woman :D
I don't understand why other requirements exist :o
:D
And lacy lingerie counts I would say.
FINALLY! I'm a success at SOMETHING! Little did I know that the three different kinds of Shampoo, loofas, nice smelling soaps and Equate brand body wash would allow me to make the cut!
YEAH!
Note: I barely qualify. I only have one pair of lacy panties and they don't really fit. Every thing else is "Hanes Her Way".
I probably shouldn't have said that.
Amanda--lacy lingerie counts. Alex has ruled correctly. And as far as us taking away the Southern Belle status, you have to consistently be blunt and not worry about politeness for that to happen. You're on probation ;)
Alex--well, honey, that 'proof' is not what you'd want me to display to the rest of the world, right? hehe :)
Laura--hmmm you need to up your lacy panties or sexy panties quota from one to something bigger than one. It doesn't matter if you aren't going to date for years. Sexy underwear makes you FEEL sexy and alluring, and that's a great feeling to have!
You have more bath shit than I do. That's not hard, though. I barely make the criteria myself.
Guys have (well me anyway):
Shaving cream and almost new razor.
Cologne
clean underwear
Going out cloths
Staying in cloths
Work Dress suits
Wedding/Funeral Dress suits
Ugh, the pressure. I have no chance at ever fully qualifying if this is the criteria. {digging through stuff and muttering} I know there's a purse here somewhere, I thought that's what Sam's pockets were for was to hold my stuff. Curses! I'm guessing once you have kids you have no choice but to carry a purse... Hopefully Sam won't mind doing that! Ha!
It doesn't sound like much of a list to aspire to. Perfume of any kind gives me a headache. Naked clean (from unscented soap) skin that smells like itself on him and me is much better.
Pastel makes my skin look sallow.
I abhor elastic so most underware is right out except for some for effect for about 10mins of prancing around in it.
Heels/shoes, only recently do I own more than those that are comfy and that's only because he likes to play dress up with me occassionally (note the prancing around for 10mins part above). I don't expect to actually have to walk in them much.
Make up, well that just gets smeared anyway and I don't need to look alluring.
No one who's been with me has ever complained about my womanliness.
LR--Guys have it easy! haha I'm particular about a guy's cologne, though. Allergies. Sucks.
MR--I never had more than a purse until I had kids. Now I have a few, and many of them are of the sack variety so I can cart around a sippy cup or whatever as needed.
Prom--I was 30 years old before my sister dragged me out to get the shoe requirement (I had sneakers, black low pumps, white low pumps, sandals, flip flops, and neutral low pumps. What else did I need? Apparently, according to Rose, a lot!). Pastel--I own nothing pastel or flowery. My lacy requirement comes into the lingerie category (like Amanda). I HATE pastels. I like bold colors that say, HI! I AM A COLOR! Pastels just pretend at it. However, I'm usually wearing underwear (esp at that time of the month) unless I wear one particularly tight blue dress or a pair of unusually body-hugging grey slacks I own. I have never worn perfume in my life, but I LOOOOOVE the candles thing, so that's how I check off that category (allergies. I can't use most perfumes if I wanted to).
I like lipsticks. I usually have concealer, powder, and lipstick. I don't ever put on blush or eye shadow or mascara. This upsets my sister greatly, but oh well. I let her do up my face in high school for dances. That always made her happy. I find that it's the eye makeup that I end up smearing, so if I avoid that, I'm good to go.
As you can see, I'm still working on the criteria myself. Alex insists (as he posted above) that I'm a woman regardless, so I guess I'm ok...haha!
If I just have one big black purse into which I can fit a change of clothes for each of my children, various healing ungeants and bandages, spare hosiery, nailpolish to rescue hosiery before it needs to be spared, chocolate, mints, headache medicine, cell phone, sunglasses, makeup, comb and brush, wallet, and various sundry other emergency items, do I qualify as a woman even though i only have the one purse?
The leash a threat to keep alex in line or what? ;O) And are the undewear in the pruse clean or dirty? Clean I can understand, never know when you'll need some, but if they're dirty... I hope you're wearing the replacements ;O) heh. And D&D Dice? ahh the memories.
I've pretty much got all of that - except for some of the more weird handbag items.
I think another woman essential is a good pair of tweezers. Gotta get those bushy eyebrows tamed. And call me crazy, but shouldn't some sort of sex toy be on this list too?
I think I get exempt from "A" because having an artificial leg, my shoe selection is limited. Mainly due to heel height. My prosthesis is set to a 3/4 inch heel height, which means I can get by with 1 inch without walking like I've got something stuck up my ass. Anything lower than 3/4 is ok, I just have to adjust my walking a little. However, I used to have quite the collection. I just LOVE shoes with chunky heels and the real sexy ones that lace up your leg and tie below the knee. I bought these black patten leather "stripper boots" that I had no choice but to buy a new outfit to match. Literally the next day I was in my car accident. There went my boots. I gave them and the outfit to my best friend and when we went out for my bachelorette party she wore it. She kept getting so many compliments on those fucking boots. I swear there was someone I pissed off in a former life just laughing her ass off at me. Don't get me wrong she looked HOT, and it's not like I got pissy with her or anything, just one of those things. Ya know?
I don't have 5 shades of lipstick because I have yet to find 5 different shades that look good on me.
And I only have 3 purses. I've never been big on them. I practically use the same one until it can be used no more.
Other than that, I've got this list covered!! So can I be a real woman? Huh? Can I? Huh, huh? =)
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