Friday and Nothing to Grade!

I feel strange. I feel like I SHOULD be doing something, but I'm not sure what. I always felt that way throughout my entire school career, undergrad and graduate. I never could relax fully even on the weekends because I was always vaguely aware that I COULD be doing X reading or writing Y paper or going to the library for research or whatnot. Now that I'm a teacher, I still have that feeling when the term is going off. I COULD be grading this, preparing for that, re-reading Z work... and so I never fully relax during the term.

But, see, I'm not working right now. And I likely won't until August.

I walk the house like a caged animal. Should I clean? Nah, wait until Rob gets the kids tomorrow so they won't get the house dirty right behind me. Should I bake? Ok, here's some cookies. There's some chicken curry. How about a nice salad with homemade dressing? Should I read to the kids? Ok, did that. Wait, now kids are entertaining each other and don't want me. What now? Do I read? Yes, I'll read.

I keep feeling like I SHOULD be doing something, but I know there's nothing that I "SHOULD" be doing other than what an unemployed person does. As long as I'm not spending money, it'll be fine.

My current book, of which I am halfway through, is an excellent one entitled Sixty Million Frenchmen Can't Be Wrong. It is a book I know Angie would love if she had the time to read it. I have never seen a more thorough explaination of France and French people and the history of what makes them culturally French than this work. The research is great. The authors are two French-Canadians who lived over in France for two years to, at first, study why France resisted globalization. They ended up with a full novel on why the French are culturally French. It's incredibly interesting, and it has made me think more of the cultures I've created in the past for my alien nations in my fantasy and science fiction short stories I've written. Yes, I AM A GEEK! So sue me.

I think I'll see Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith on Monday. The majority of my friends and aquaintences who have seen it have loved it. I can take Ari to it, but not Jared, so I have to wait until Jared is gone to go see it. I need to pack up next week for the trip to Florida on Friday. We're going to drive down (me plus kids) to my parent's house in Tampa for the week. Hell, I'm unemployed and as of Wednesday, Ari's out of school. Why not? Maybe I can squeeze in a visit with the Other Unemployed Hottie in the area before I leave! (yes, that means YOU, Amanda!).

It appears that I will have a clean house and several more books read by the end of the summer. I am debating finishing up a short story I started a year or so ago but never finished and seeing where that goes. I believe Amanda and Angie have seen the first two pages of it...it's where I mention the three men a woman gets in her life. I am nervous over trying to get anything published, but just like jobs...you won't know if it's possible if you never try. I must repeat that message thirty times in front of the mirror before bed and stop sabotaging myself due to insecurities over failure.

Yes, failure. I am well aware that my fear of failure has paralyzed my attempts on several occasions to do something with my life. Sounds remarkable for a woman who seems to not have screwed up too badly, but yeah...there it is. I have this irrational thought sometimes that if I don't try, I can always convince myself that I COULD have done it but chose not to. If I try it and fail, however, I just have to deal with the fact that I failed. Brrrr. We all have our hangups, eh? So, pity Alex: he deals with this aspect of my personality as well as the OCD things mentioned a couple of posts down. Haha!

I read the very funny posts on another blog by a gentleman named hofzinser. Immediately, all the questions the women began asking about men made me have flashbacks to just about all my exes, particularly THE ex, my ex husband. He did just about 90% of the things mentioned. Then I realized that, once again, Alex just isn't a normal male. I have trained him to do far more than four things! And most of those items were never an issue anyway (Note: the ex husband only had room for ONE training slot. He could be trained for something else, but it then pushed out the former thing that he had learned...ack...).

1) Leaving dirty clothes everywhere: no, he doesn't do this. He follows what I do and slings barely worn clothes on the end of the bed, but never the floor, and all dirty clothes immediately go to the hamper.

2) Getting upset if the girl doesn't get off before the guy: see, this is why I went for a younger man. If he gets off before I do, he recharges instantly and we just keep going. Everybody gets off before we are through...haha! Anyway, it's not an issue for Alex as long as I AM pleasured.

3) Never does housework when gone: you must be kidding me. This man mops, vacuums, scrubs out tubs, scrubs out toilets, cleans up the kitchen, and generally does more housework than I do. I never have to ask. He just DOES it. And it's not even his damn house, if you want to be technical!

Then, I looked at the yet to be asked questions. Well, Alex listens. Alex fell in love with a bitchy but rather low maintenance woman, and he delights in every part of her and has for years now. He not only sends the sappy card and gives out sincere compliments, but then he ALSO sends me 24 longstem red roses and godiva chocolates. And kisses my hand. And opens all doors. And pulls out my chair, and pushes it in (even at home when it's just the two of us at the dining room table). AND gives me breathing space by fucking right on off when we've been in close contact with each other for a long time, WITHOUT me asking him to do so. He won me a while back and he still treats me like a queen. Alex has always and still wears cologne...not a lot, but just enough to smell good when I suck on his earlobes :) He enjoys kissing a LOT still, but I think that's a cultural thing: the French love to kiss. Constantly. In public, in restaurants, down the street, in the park, greeting folks, saying goodbye, etc. He's always been excellent at foreplay...it's ME who occasionally has the "let's just screw" problem...haha! And committment? Well, the poor man asked me a year ago how long would be "enough" time to ask me to marry him. I said, let me get divorced first :P Divorce has gone through, so now I told him next fall would be fine. I can cope by then. Meanwhile, he doesn't even seem to realize other women even exist.

See, that's the wierd one for me. ALL men look. Hell, most women look too, even if they are in a happy relationship! Alex doesn't look. WTF? His eyes are always on my ass, my eyes, my breasts...me! Wow. I never knew that was possible, so I NEVER expected that one.

In fact, the only guy thing on the WHOLE LIST I read that was an issue for Alex is that he DOES INDEED fall asleep afterwards. But ladies...it's usually between one and four hours of action so we both end up falling asleep....haha! But him first :P One night in France I did make fun of him and tease for the longest time because we went at it for a short period of time (we were both tired...it was one of those grope, sex, goodnight moments), he got off and rolled over and fell asleep. I was trying not to wake him up by laughing. Finally! A male stereotype he fulfilled! haha!

God I miss Alex. The worst part when you're used to sleeping with a guy in your bed is when he's gone. When things dissolved between myself and my ex husband--and even before they dissolved but were going poorly--I counted on that warm body to touch or snuggle against or just feel breathing next to me. I counted on that scent to fill my nostrils, that skin to be pressed against my back. When I moved out, I can honestly say it was the only thing I missed. Why? Well, see, Rob and I met when I was sixteen years old. We were sleeping together by the time I was seventeen (yes, he was my first...awwww :P). Throughout my days at Duke, we lived together (my family didn't know). I broke up with him for a year before we got back together...and then more sleeping together, every night, especially after we moved in with each other again at graduate school. It was like a bed wasn't a bed without that warm male body in it. I could be totally angry at him and wishing I were going to move out of the house first thing in the morning, yet I still loved that body in the bed. It's like sleeping with a favorite blanket or stuffed animal or something...haha!

So, I miss Alex. I got used to just being able to put a hand across him at night and there he was. I got used to smelling him next to me. And once in a while, I got used to elbowing him in the ribs and snorting at him disgustedly when he started to snore. Yes, he snores. Not every night, but ug, when he does...I can't get too mad at him though. He's got a deviated septum. I am encouraging him to wait until he has health insurance over here to have the surgery because I would like to be with him, drive him there and back, and tend to him after the proceedure. My mom AND my sister both had to have it done--they both had their nose broken at different events and ended up with that issue. I know it's not a happy surgery to say the least, but it's improved over time and isn't as bad as it used to be. Meanwhile, he snores. Meanwhile, I jab at him crankily in the middle of the night. And damnit, I even miss that!

He doesn't annoy me. I can't say that often enough. He's the only guy I ever dated in my whole life who doesn't annoy me, and boy am I easily annoyed. 'Cause I'm a bitch. A low maintenance bitch, but a bitch nonetheless! haha!

What IS a low maintenance bitch? Well, I have very few needs. I can go anywhere and do anything. What I need out of a relationship is actually a hell of a lot less than what Alex gives me. But I've always got attitude, and I always speak my mind. When I speak my mind, I tend to concentrate on what I'm saying rather than the 'tactful' part. I keep waiting for Alex to get tired of the bitch in me, but the amazing thing is that he seems to relish it. It's almost like it's his favorite part! Wow.

Low maintenance bitches unite! (hmmm I wonder if this makes me number one on google search for these words...haha!)