Think Happy Thoughts
I'm generally a happy person, and one of the bonuses I have in life is that I can focus on what's good rather than what's bad. That doesn't mean I can do it all the time, however.
The worst time, of course, was when my marriage failed with my ex. That was something like two years of depression before I cut loose slowly and surely with therapy and medication. Once stabilized, I was able to abandon both and resume my content life. I was 30 when it all fell apart and 33 by the time I got out and felt better. The previous incident was when I first went off to college. I was 17,and if I look back...ug...well, that depression was directly related to my ex (whom I was dating at the time) too. Should have been a clue. The only other major depression streak I ever hit up was from 14-15. I figure that one was hormones. I really hope Ari and Jared evade that one.
Any other time when I feel anxiety and sadness pretty much comes...and then goes. So, I know this one will go. All it will take is that realization that is so hard to swallow: you just can't waste time worrying over things you can't change. Eventually, it hits me, and then I sigh. I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. And then it's gone.
Right now, though, I'm stuck in the worry mode! So, what's wrong?
1) My ex has never refinanced the house. In SC, this means I can do jack all about my credit rating related to said house until he refinances. I have explored all avenues of doing anything myself to get my name off of the old house; nothing will work. I suppose it's possible that if I had a wad of money to pay a lawyer, something might be done. But it'd take a huge wad considering my ex IS a lawyer. He tells me he'll get around to it, but it's been years and years and years. Meanwhile, he's hit upon financial difficulties, so he's missed a payment or two. My name is still on the account. And my credit rating has had a hard hit. One credit company at least put a note on my file that it's not my account legally. I have documentation to prove this whenever I apply for a mortgage (one day), a rental application, credit, whatever. But it's up to THEM to take this proof because my credit rating is shot. Several years of supporting two children off of $19k per year while my ex was unemployed...never ever having a late bill or missed payment...shot to hell because he's too lazy to get refinancing.
2) It took forever to get said ex to let me move up with the kids to Rock Hill. Now that he has, the move in June is daunting. How do I afford a mover when he's $2k behind in child support payments? He's already gotten his phone cut off and cable cut off; his electricity was cut off for a bit before he got that turned on. It's not like taking him to court would do anything. He just doesn't have the money.
3) Because I have essentially been a single parent for most of this semester--one with a part time job on top of her full time job--I'm behind on my grading. I should be grading now. It's stressful. I have no idea how I'm going to get it all done before the end of the term (but at least we're close to the end anyway!).
4) See #3 and understand why I'm incredibly low on sleep
5) My ex has not been able to get the kids much this term because his life has gone into the shitter. That's ok; I want my kids and miss them when they're over at his place for longer than 24 hrs. It's created more work, but I'm fine with that. What I'm not fine with is trying to hold it all together for weeks on end--meals from scratch for the kids, soccer practices, drama, chorus, prep work for school, tidying the house, laundry, bill paying--without any help, only for him to FINALLY be able to get them for a whole week and find out (because the school called me) that he decided oh what the hell, I don't feel so hot today so it's too rough for me to drive ten min to school to get the kids there. I'll just let them play hooky for the day!
6) And he hasn't filed his taxes nor filed for an extention. When the IRS comes after his house, there goes my credit rating for the rest of my life. Or seven years. Whatever comes first.
7) Grant went into the hospital again. Last time, he nearly died. This time, it was much quicker and less life threatening, but I can't help him because he lives in Atlanta. Wait--I think I should blame that one on him. He just needs to move his ass up to Rock Hill when we move there. But I still worry now that he's trying to manage his newly diagnosed diabetes.
8) Alex has to have his wisdom teeth pulled. Two of them are starting to get infected due to their position. There's no way around that. We have good dental ins., but it only pays for half. So, next month we have $1k for that...$660 for car ins...$200 for car property tax...and did I say my ex is paying me squat for child support?
9) I had an early miscarriage a while back (since I posted last). This traumatized me. I know that it was likely a very unviable pregancy for a variety of reasons, but I worry about even being able to GET pregnant at this age. Nobody deserves to raise an infant more than Alex. What if he doesn't get to experience that joy and it's my stupid body's fault? Damnit, I thought I handled it well when it happened, but the more time goes on, the more I get upset. And it's hard to get pregnant when you're away from each other Mon-Fri, you know? That won't change until the end of June. So, I treat every period as a personal failure...and I know I shouldn't. But there you go. I start a period, and I stare at the blood and curse in every fucking language I know (ok, that's just English and French, with one or two words in Spanish).
10) We won't even go into what's going on at Clemson.
11) And today? The topper. A girl in our apartment complex is now missing. I can't stop crying. It's a little girl whom Ariana and Jared love and have played with a lot, a very sweet girl. We don't know what happened, but she's now been missing for over four hours. You know what this means? My poor daughter and son will not be allowed out of this apartment without an armed escort. And I will be forced to go to jail if I figure out somebody actually did anything to Hayley.
SOOOO! There you go. But...I now have to do a quick inventory of that which is good to remind myself of the beauty of my life, even with whatever rain falls
1) Two awesome children who are smart, funny, and kind
2) A husband who puts all other men to shame--the single most selfless person I know. He makes me laugh, he makes my life easier, he loves Ari and Jared as his own kids, and he'd do anything for all of us
3) A 17 yr old diabetic cat with kidney issues who technically should have died in Jan., yet is going strong and happy as a clam
4) we can pay our bills
5) even though Alex's company filed for bankruptcy, it looks like he's keeping his job
6) great friends and family
7) chocolate, cheese, and wine
8) I got my summer online class, so that will help out tremendously!
On the whole, it's good. That's all I need to remember.
******
How to traumatize your 11 yr old daughter and need her to go into therapy
(or, subtitled, $80 more to the therapy jar)
Over last weekend, we were at Alex's one bedroom apt. in Rock Hill. The sleeping arrangements are as such: kids get bedroom since they go to bed first, and we get the pullout sleeper sofa in the living room. Whenever we've done this, if we...um...ahem...wait for the kids to go to sleep, we can engage in whatever activities we want and they just sleep through them. Kids are generally sound sleepers, you know? Jared will pass out like a rock instantly; with Ari, you just have to wait a little longer, and nothing will snap her out of her coma.
So, we waited. And we then went at it. But Ari had been sick that week with bronchitis, and I suppose that made her a lighter sleeper. Suddenly a head pokes out of the doorway and calls out, "Hey! Can you guys keep it down out there?"
Woopsie! We've never been caught by her before! What to do?
So, before my mouth can be controlled by my brain (typical problem with me), I shout back, "Well, do you WANT another sibling or DON'T you???"
Alex looks surprised. There is silence. Then Ariana responds with a sigh and, "Very well. Go ahead." And then she shuts the door and goes back to bed.
I'm a bad parent, aren't I?
The worst time, of course, was when my marriage failed with my ex. That was something like two years of depression before I cut loose slowly and surely with therapy and medication. Once stabilized, I was able to abandon both and resume my content life. I was 30 when it all fell apart and 33 by the time I got out and felt better. The previous incident was when I first went off to college. I was 17,and if I look back...ug...well, that depression was directly related to my ex (whom I was dating at the time) too. Should have been a clue. The only other major depression streak I ever hit up was from 14-15. I figure that one was hormones. I really hope Ari and Jared evade that one.
Any other time when I feel anxiety and sadness pretty much comes...and then goes. So, I know this one will go. All it will take is that realization that is so hard to swallow: you just can't waste time worrying over things you can't change. Eventually, it hits me, and then I sigh. I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. And then it's gone.
Right now, though, I'm stuck in the worry mode! So, what's wrong?
1) My ex has never refinanced the house. In SC, this means I can do jack all about my credit rating related to said house until he refinances. I have explored all avenues of doing anything myself to get my name off of the old house; nothing will work. I suppose it's possible that if I had a wad of money to pay a lawyer, something might be done. But it'd take a huge wad considering my ex IS a lawyer. He tells me he'll get around to it, but it's been years and years and years. Meanwhile, he's hit upon financial difficulties, so he's missed a payment or two. My name is still on the account. And my credit rating has had a hard hit. One credit company at least put a note on my file that it's not my account legally. I have documentation to prove this whenever I apply for a mortgage (one day), a rental application, credit, whatever. But it's up to THEM to take this proof because my credit rating is shot. Several years of supporting two children off of $19k per year while my ex was unemployed...never ever having a late bill or missed payment...shot to hell because he's too lazy to get refinancing.
2) It took forever to get said ex to let me move up with the kids to Rock Hill. Now that he has, the move in June is daunting. How do I afford a mover when he's $2k behind in child support payments? He's already gotten his phone cut off and cable cut off; his electricity was cut off for a bit before he got that turned on. It's not like taking him to court would do anything. He just doesn't have the money.
3) Because I have essentially been a single parent for most of this semester--one with a part time job on top of her full time job--I'm behind on my grading. I should be grading now. It's stressful. I have no idea how I'm going to get it all done before the end of the term (but at least we're close to the end anyway!).
4) See #3 and understand why I'm incredibly low on sleep
5) My ex has not been able to get the kids much this term because his life has gone into the shitter. That's ok; I want my kids and miss them when they're over at his place for longer than 24 hrs. It's created more work, but I'm fine with that. What I'm not fine with is trying to hold it all together for weeks on end--meals from scratch for the kids, soccer practices, drama, chorus, prep work for school, tidying the house, laundry, bill paying--without any help, only for him to FINALLY be able to get them for a whole week and find out (because the school called me) that he decided oh what the hell, I don't feel so hot today so it's too rough for me to drive ten min to school to get the kids there. I'll just let them play hooky for the day!
6) And he hasn't filed his taxes nor filed for an extention. When the IRS comes after his house, there goes my credit rating for the rest of my life. Or seven years. Whatever comes first.
7) Grant went into the hospital again. Last time, he nearly died. This time, it was much quicker and less life threatening, but I can't help him because he lives in Atlanta. Wait--I think I should blame that one on him. He just needs to move his ass up to Rock Hill when we move there. But I still worry now that he's trying to manage his newly diagnosed diabetes.
8) Alex has to have his wisdom teeth pulled. Two of them are starting to get infected due to their position. There's no way around that. We have good dental ins., but it only pays for half. So, next month we have $1k for that...$660 for car ins...$200 for car property tax...and did I say my ex is paying me squat for child support?
9) I had an early miscarriage a while back (since I posted last). This traumatized me. I know that it was likely a very unviable pregancy for a variety of reasons, but I worry about even being able to GET pregnant at this age. Nobody deserves to raise an infant more than Alex. What if he doesn't get to experience that joy and it's my stupid body's fault? Damnit, I thought I handled it well when it happened, but the more time goes on, the more I get upset. And it's hard to get pregnant when you're away from each other Mon-Fri, you know? That won't change until the end of June. So, I treat every period as a personal failure...and I know I shouldn't. But there you go. I start a period, and I stare at the blood and curse in every fucking language I know (ok, that's just English and French, with one or two words in Spanish).
10) We won't even go into what's going on at Clemson.
11) And today? The topper. A girl in our apartment complex is now missing. I can't stop crying. It's a little girl whom Ariana and Jared love and have played with a lot, a very sweet girl. We don't know what happened, but she's now been missing for over four hours. You know what this means? My poor daughter and son will not be allowed out of this apartment without an armed escort. And I will be forced to go to jail if I figure out somebody actually did anything to Hayley.
SOOOO! There you go. But...I now have to do a quick inventory of that which is good to remind myself of the beauty of my life, even with whatever rain falls
1) Two awesome children who are smart, funny, and kind
2) A husband who puts all other men to shame--the single most selfless person I know. He makes me laugh, he makes my life easier, he loves Ari and Jared as his own kids, and he'd do anything for all of us
3) A 17 yr old diabetic cat with kidney issues who technically should have died in Jan., yet is going strong and happy as a clam
4) we can pay our bills
5) even though Alex's company filed for bankruptcy, it looks like he's keeping his job
6) great friends and family
7) chocolate, cheese, and wine
8) I got my summer online class, so that will help out tremendously!
On the whole, it's good. That's all I need to remember.
******
How to traumatize your 11 yr old daughter and need her to go into therapy
(or, subtitled, $80 more to the therapy jar)
Over last weekend, we were at Alex's one bedroom apt. in Rock Hill. The sleeping arrangements are as such: kids get bedroom since they go to bed first, and we get the pullout sleeper sofa in the living room. Whenever we've done this, if we...um...ahem...wait for the kids to go to sleep, we can engage in whatever activities we want and they just sleep through them. Kids are generally sound sleepers, you know? Jared will pass out like a rock instantly; with Ari, you just have to wait a little longer, and nothing will snap her out of her coma.
So, we waited. And we then went at it. But Ari had been sick that week with bronchitis, and I suppose that made her a lighter sleeper. Suddenly a head pokes out of the doorway and calls out, "Hey! Can you guys keep it down out there?"
Woopsie! We've never been caught by her before! What to do?
So, before my mouth can be controlled by my brain (typical problem with me), I shout back, "Well, do you WANT another sibling or DON'T you???"
Alex looks surprised. There is silence. Then Ariana responds with a sigh and, "Very well. Go ahead." And then she shuts the door and goes back to bed.
I'm a bad parent, aren't I?
posted by Kira | 4:42 PM
9 Comments:
CLASSIC story!!! She'll either bury that in her memory or tell it at every family reunion from now until the end of her life.
And holy hell, you ARE in the middle of a shit storm. I think you and I may have been married to the same lovely ex. I hope they find the girl from your apartment complex. :(
No - you couldn't be further from being a bad parent. Not at all. You treat sex like a normal part of life... and it is, so no biggie. =o) Anna and Matthew seemed to have turned out okay, and they are NOT heavy sleepers!
With all the other stuff, I know you're strong enough to come through it. I suspect things will feel much better in June when you are actually living with Alex all the time. You'll have a better chance of getting pregnant, and you won't be apart so much. I know the situation at Clemson has put a damper on everything, but something will emerge that will be even better. I am sure of it.
Word of advice on the grading... I did an all-nighter that turned into about 37 hours without sleep total. I had to get the grading done before I went to San Diego, I thought. I slept a a little and went to Cali with its time change. I have to work tomorrow, and it's now 1:32 a.m. My system is so warped, my body has no idea when it's supposed to be sleepy now. So, don't do that... take care of yourself first because then you'll be better able to take care of everyone else.
Your life is horrible. I can't imagine anything worse than your situation. Time to abandon the family and enter a life of prostitution.
And nobody in their right mind would voluntarily live in either of the Carolinas. You two need to move to most awesome Atlanta. We have better sushi.
You can't get me all bummed out and then make me snort coffee through my nose in the same post.
Well...actually you can. But you shouldn't.
(1) Actually, you have two kids, they're healthy, and you like them. That probably means you're a pretty good parent. As far as what Ari caught you doing, that's just what you gotta do to be a good parent in the first place.
(2) I don't think you'll entice Grant up to Rock Hill unless you assure him that there are plenty of Asian schoolgirls running around there.
(3) You do have a lot on your plate. I can only hope that your blessings (and you're wise to count them) can tide you over until things improve.
BTW, I'd bet good money that you'll live at least another seven years.
OK. I am already on an emotional roller coaster what with my period this week and a slew of other nasty but you just had me back and forth through just about every emotion known to hormonal woman! In the end I was laughing like an idiot, I even read it out loud to Drew and we both agree - you got one wicked cool kid there and you're not a bad parent at all, in fact-- you have much bigger balls than I and I think my 13 yr old girl should hag out with your little cutie some time, they'd get along swimmingly!
First off, I'm so happy to see that you've finally posted! I was going to head down there to see how you, Alex and the kids were doing if you hadn't posted anything soon.
I'm not going to say how much of an amazing parent I think you are because I know when you asked if you're a bad parent, it was rhetorical.
I'm sorry that you had an early miscarriage. My mom had several of them in a row when she was trying to have a baby and I saw how much it upset her. (rightfully so) But hang in there! You and Alex are such great people and good things happen to great people. So I'm very confident that the stork will be coming.
And I have to tell ya that it's been over a year since I've been with Joe and he's still a wonderful guy. I'm certainly not taking anything away from Alex, as he was what I used to set my standards. But he doesn't put Joe to shame. Every other man? Sure. But not Joe. =)
Ari's so mature for her age, so you can say what you said to her when she caught you and not have to worry about psychiatric issues. I heard my mom and stepdad doing it when I was about her age. I'll never forget it. My mom sounded like an owl. I knew what they were doing but I decided it would be funny if I knocked on their door and say, "Mommy, I think an owl got in the house!" They got really quiet and my stepdad said, "Ok, I'll get it. Go back to bed."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Good luck to you. I hope things get better financially. I hope you get pregnant. I hope they've found your neighbor. (even if you don't have time to post a full post, could you please post a quick update on if they've found her or not?)
Okay, I'm all caught up now.
You forgot something.
You have love in your life, everyday.
If the ex dropped off the face of the planet,
If the house burns down,
If you never have another child
You are standing up to your eyeballs in love...all of you.
Relax and believe Alex when he says, as I know he must have, Darling, you are my joy. If a baby comes, fine...if not you are still my joy.
It's not a performance issue, it's your love for him.
I wanted the mate's baby badly. I was thirty. He said no more kids...but I was making babies in my heart every time we touched. It is how a woman loves...
You are way more than okay. Give them all A's and go to bed.
So sorry to hear of all your troubles. And you still managed to send a package of clothes to us (DestructoGirl saw it, and said: "It's mine!" as she started pulling out the nice new to her clothes). You're pretty amazing. You will pull through this. I'll keep my fingers crossed. Next time the keeping-Ariana-awake results in cell growhth and division, let me know so I can start knitting. You're not old to have kids. I did it later than you. Yeah, there is more risk of miscarriage, but you've got the right attitude, and with luck, you and Alex will be parents again soon.
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