My Photo
Name:
Location: Upstate, South Carolina, United States

I think that the Meredith Brooks' song, "Bitch," summarizes me rather nicely. Or, if you prefer, X. dell says I'm a life-smart literary scholar with a low BS tolerance...that also works!

Sunday, November 19, 2006

The Simplicity of It All

Without a doubt, I have suffered from depression in my life. And when I have suffered from it, it's been bad. The worst and longest episode I ever had started when I was pregnant with Jared and my entire marriage was collapsing around me. It didn't end completely until I moved out of the house, although it started to slowly get better after I announced my full intent to divorce him (oh, and Zoloft and a good counselor also helped me too).

In a typical year, I guess something will set me off for about a month of morose feelings wherein I ponder how I can't do anything right and my life lacks X, Y, and Z. For the rest of the eleven months of the year, I find that--other than the occasional anxiety attacks that probably could be controlled with meds if I'd just tell the doctor about them--life is too good for words. I find that I'm able to hold that ideal merely by paying attention to the details, appreciating every one of them. Since I DO have occasional depression or anxiety attacks, I can say for certain that such a level of appreciation of life is not within the chemical grasp of all of humanity. I'm sorry about that. I feel very, very blessed for the capacity to enjoy life and be so damned happy nearly all of the time.

When I'm in the Up Mood, I tend to NOT concentrate on what is going on nor what I can't do due to circumstances. For instance, I can't get a PhD right now because it would require moving. I am not allowed to move anywhere with my kids without the ex's approval (he won't) or a court battle (no thank you). Angie has tried to convince me before that I could get a PhD in Education, but I really want to return to literature. That's my main love, even if I enjoy teaching a hell of a lot too. Sometimes, when I'm doing some of the grant data entry type stuff for the grant Angie is working on, I realize WHY it's actually facinating to have a degree in this area. I'm totally intrigued by watching how some of these young kids use the Internet and how their minds work on solving the problems. Each one has a different method and different approaches to some degree or another. Sometimes they even manage to show me something I just never thought of before either. But, on the whole, I don't want to end up teaching education...I want to teach literature and writing. I want to finish my literature PhD. So, how do I avoid getting depressed about that? I suppose I choose just not to think of it. Instead, I focus on how much fun I'm having as a lecturer at Clemson already. I'm doing what I want to do without that completed PhD, so it's ok.

And it's really the tiniest of things that makes my heart swell and feel amazed. The other day, I was walking to class and saw tiny little baby leaves, all fall colors imaginable, sprawled out across the walkway in front of the library at Clemson. They at first reminded me of little monkey paws, some drowning in the puddles left from the last rain, some rustling in the breeze. The air smelled clean and fresh and a little heavy and filled with energy. I loved seeing these small details. I felt lucky to have noticed them.

Every tiny experience seems to sharpen for me when I'm in this type of mood. Food tastes better. My smell heightens, and I could bury my face into Alex's chest all day long just enjoying his natural odor. Or the hair of my children, a mix of their shampoo and earth and maybe paint or glue or whatever else they did that day, plus their natural scent. I stare at my daughter's mischeivious grin and realize how much of an honor it is to be her parent, for she is smart, sweet, funny, and beautiful beyond compare. I watch my son's curious nature pull apart two perfectly built Bionicles and form something new, strange, and interesting, and seeing his mind work thrills me. My cat purrs and curls up on me, and his soft fur and low rumbly noise soothes me. There's a lot I can't afford, but hey! We're making it! We can go out to eat, buy decent wine, and do some fun things PLUS pay for rent and food. Oh, and we are all covered by health insurance. That's fantastic.

One of the parts of my relationship with Alex that is most enjoyable to me is that he's just as bad. He follows the details, laughing alongside me. I don't need to worry him that I might be annoying as I live and love life. I could dance in a warm rain with him, and he'd laugh right along with me. I can make mmm mmmm mmmm noises all the way through a meal, and even bounce, and he just laughs and thinks that's great (for the record, unless I'm misreading things, I think that doesn't bother Grant either...he fed us pretty damn well when we were there last and I was constantly bouncing and saying mmmm! that's great!...and he didn't smack me once...haha!). In all actuality, that's rather like my mom's personality in a lot of ways, so my family already puts up with it well.

It's not that I don't want to place the smackdown on folks who annoy me. It's not that I can't cry when I hear bad news. It's more of...I recover fast. And then feel happy. You know what? Happy feels fantastic. I guess my biggest fear really IS that the parts of my life I value the most might go away because life right now is pretty damned good. There's a lot I don't have, sure. There's a lot I have to deal with, sure. But I guess I don't concentrate on the nots. I don't concentrate on the can'ts. I don't concentrate on the bad. I, instead, focus on the cool night air and the scent of my children's hair. Life can be hard, but it's also good. I'm glad I can see that. It's a gift onto itself.

13 Comments:

Blogger Gary said...

You are totally right about your thinking. WHAT we think about determines our moods. If we think all the time about what we don't or what we won't have and how much we have to have it, then we set ourselves up to feel bad. Good for you. Your life is good.

5:50 PM  
Blogger NWJR said...

Nicely put. VERY nicely put.

9:30 AM  
Blogger Chief Slacker said...

It's all about the silver linigs, they might not always be easy to find, but they're there.

I dunno about the children's hair thing though, they tend to put funny stuff on eachother ;O)

9:31 AM  
Blogger Jezzy said...

That's good advice for everyone to take, Kira. Very good advice.

2:35 PM  
Blogger X. Dell said...

I'm happy to know tht you're feeling better. Sometimes depression is seasonal, and I'm wondering if the bad months are always October/November.

To find someone who has a visceral understanding of what you're going through is mighty helpful. People who don't understand it tend to villify the sufferer. I'm sure that can't be good for a marriage.

Just for curiosity's sake, I hobbled on over to Clemson's website only to find that a big name school such as that does not offer a PhD in Literature, only a Master's.

I'm sure Jaded would love the thought of you teaching together in the same department, though. So would I. Unfortunately, I don't know anything about English.

3:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wonderful post!

Now, at the moment, I would recommend that anyone considering a PhD see a counselor immediately because it would make more sense to volunteer to live in a Turkish prison for four or five years. Of course, you have to consider the time of year... I stayed up all night last night coding data in SPSS; and I'll stay up all night tonight desperately trying to write a mammoth of a paper for National Reading Conference (on the VPs, actually). I don't think I've ever had real writer's block in my whole life; but I have had it ever since I hurt my back. I'm not sure if it's the painkillers or the pain, but I can't seem to write. It's not good b/c that's my thing. =o(

But in a few days, I'll be singing the praises of PhDs again, I'm sure. I think you have to go with your heart and study what you love most. However, taking some additional classes in Ed could be really good b/c it could inform a lot of what you do when you teach literature.

X-Dell's ideas rock! If we all three taught in the same department, I do believe we'd have the most enlightened students in the universe. =o)

Being positive is so important to healing, be the pain physical or emotional. Once again, X is right - people do tend to blame the sufferer, especially if the sufferer is a woman... must be some socially constructed thing, so deeply imbedded in our psyches from generations of accepting it as the proper thing to do, regardless of how illogical and harmful it might be. I think you have to be careful not to cross the line by being overly positive in the face of adversity; that sounds odd, but allows me to explain... You have to acknowledge it when bad things happen to you, and you have to let yourself hurt long enough to learn how to make the pain stop. If you just bury your hurt, it'll just stay there in you, even if you deny it's there. So, I think that feeling depressed from time to time might even be a little healthy b/c it lets you understand negative emotions that you have. I am not sure if I explained that well, but basically - I think I mean that it's okay to be depressed occasionally. Perhaps it's even healthier in the long run b/c it makes you well-balanced overall.

7:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I forgot something important... with a Curriculum & Instruction degree, you CAN be a professor of English Literature. It's in the description of the major. Originally that was my plan; but when I took The Culture of Schooling and Educational Philosophy, I realized I was more of an Education Foundations person, even though we don't have that specific major. I'm a critical theorist, whether I like to admit it or not, lol. But you COULD let your focus in the program be Literature. And people from the English dept could be on your committee.... Michelle Martin is on Jackie's committee, for example...

Just thought I'd let you know... =o)

7:55 PM  
Blogger Juanita said...

"I would recommend that anyone considering a PhD see a counselor immediately because it would make more sense to volunteer to live in a Turkish prison for four or five years." HA! That cracked me up, and I agree, too. But Kira's gotta do what Kira's gotta do, and I believe a PhD is in your future, girlfriend. You'll probably manage to enjoy it, you crazy nut. I'm happy you're happy. Rock on.

6:10 AM  
Blogger X. Dell said...

There's a thought, Jaded.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Valerie - Still Riding Forward said...

Even I am beginning to see the light some days.

You can't be sad forever, even when it seems like the way you want it to be.

He wants me to be happy.

6:49 AM  
Blogger Canoes under my shoes said...

You guys all rock. I agree that your attitude is all important. It makes you a gracious winner and a gracious loser.

Life is too short to be sad all the time.

6:55 AM  
Blogger Kira said...

Amanda--I think all of us have had a year of non-stop shit. Well, come to think of it, it was more like two years (the last two years with my ex) for me. It's a beautiful sensation when it stops of realizing that you'll never take the good stuff for granted again, though!

Gary--I totally agree that most people have that level of control over whether or not they want to be happy. I guess I feel most sorry for those who chemically are out of wack, though, so that they can't do it! Since I've been there, I know it happens. I wish everybody could just "decide" not to be unhappy too, focusing only on the good aspects of life. The world would be a more pleasant place then, that's for sure.

NWJR--thanks!

CS--well, true, but my kids' hair always still manages to smell good. I swear! Come sniff and see :)

Jezzy--thanks!

X.dell--yes, that's exactly the issue. Clemson doesn't have a straight PhD in Lit. That has always amazed me. They desperately want to be one of the top 20 public schools in the US (they slid into the top 30 this year), and yet they don't have a PhD in Lit. WHY???

Angie--yes, I think there's something to being able to feel the pain to let it go. If we bottle it up inside, well...we're just being good Southern women then, eh? I am all about feeling whatever I am experiencing (or saying whatever I mean). I think it's always easier to let off steam here and there than to hold it in until we blow. Would that Education/Lit combo PhD prepare me to teach COLLEGE Lit though, or is the goal mostly high school or something? My potty mouth needs to be at a University rather than a high school...

Juanita--well, I'd like to get a PhD, but I'd prefer to just go to sleep and wake up and have one, you know? haha! But I've always wanted to be Dr. Kira :)

Val--yes, yes he does, and I know you are doing it in his name. Don't worry...indirectly, so are we ;)

Laura--well, unless you WANT to be sad. I genuinely think I've met folks who are happier being moody and depressed. Me? I'd rather have a good meal and an orgasm, thanks!

6:17 PM  
Blogger Joseph H. Vilas said...

Kira, would you like me to call you Dr. Kira? I'll do that if it'll make you happy. :) OTOH, you'll need to make me happy by posting more. :-p

1:53 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home