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Location: Upstate, South Carolina, United States

I think that the Meredith Brooks' song, "Bitch," summarizes me rather nicely. Or, if you prefer, X. dell says I'm a life-smart literary scholar with a low BS tolerance...that also works!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Weasels!

No, this post has nothing to do with weasels, but I know Ency would love to see WEASELS up in lights, so there we go! I need to send that guy some cookies. I keep meaning to send him off a batch. He's at my alma mater...yes, I talked up DUKE to him and he headed on over there! Hof, don't choke. No, I didn't lead him down the path of evil. Believe it or not, Duke's a great school. Yes, Hof. REALLY. No I swear. I'm not shitting you...YES HOF I SAID IT IS TRUE!!! Oh stop it, Tarheel! :)

This post should make no sense. I'm in the middle of a mild anxiety attack, and I'm trying to self-medicate myself with a glass of wine. Basically, I used to get these suckers all the time before I went on zoloft, and then they happily disappeared for a year when I was on the zoloft. Bonus! Afterwards, they decided to hide most of the time, and for that I was grateful. I'm still grateful. These attacks are rare. Basically, my heart races and I have a feeling of impending doom. Usually, whatever horrid is to happen in my mind has nothing to do with what would likely happen. Today I'm fretting about everything that I can get my hands on, and most of it is oriented towards money. I'm just glad my anxiety attacks aren't as bad as A*'s! I'm not crying, sobbing, nor asking my children to fetch kleenex, so I'm ok, right? RIGHT? Bah. My heart is still racing, feeling like it will leap out of my chest. I would like more wine (even though I know I shouldn't use alcohol as medication, but hey I have no health insurance, so...). I can't have more wine because I have kids. What if Ari had an asthma attack, full blown, tonight? Yeah, exactly! I have to be able to think clearly and drive if the case required it. Sigh. So I let my heart palpitate.

Oh, I can't remember if I mentioned it, but Ariana has been placed on the all A honor roll! She still cracks me up. Her 100's are in: math, science, social studies. ONE HUNDRED. SHEESH! Then she gets barely A's in reading and language arts (reading comprehension and spelling, basically). Her weaker points are my strong points...ahhh, a real Mueller, she is! (that's my family...they are all math and science folks except me)

Ariana also made me laugh last night. She turned to me, solemnly, and stated: Mom, why is it "amen?" Shouldn't it be "awomen?" HAHAHAHA! God I love my kids. They so rock!

I think this teacher at work has a crush on me. I might be wrong. I don't know if any of you have this problem, but basically I can't pick up that a guy is interested until he sits on my lap nude and screams out FUCK ME! Then I get the hint. Sometimes. If he repeats the "FUCK ME!" line at least three times. Anyway, he's younger than me by a few years and a newbie at Premiere Tech. He's always smiling at me, running after me, asking me about this or that, and flirting a bit. See, it's the flirting that would be a clue to most folks, but seeing as how I am the biggest flirt in the world and it means nothing, I have no clue if flirting means anything to others.

Basically, here's a list of what I'll flirt with:

Men
Women
Cats
Dogs
Rabbits
Trees
Rocks
(but never ever roaches!)
Snakes
Water
Wine
Fire
(but not anything under 18...jailbait is not appealing)
Weasels
Chocolate
Books
(no rats though)

Do we get the idea? Yeah, I have a problem. I'm just lucky that Alex LOOOOOVES me just the way I am! I have had problems in the past of a man being enchanted with my flirty side, only to become insanely jealous if we then end up going out and I even give eye contact to a male (females? yeah, then he just says, can I watch?). Alex, on the other hand, GRINS when I do my saucy act. He thinks I am fantastic just the way I am, and he KNOWS he is the only man in my life. So, I can tease about whatever with whomever, and he just smiles and thinks to himself, she's mine! Aren't I lucky? But no, it's me who is lucky. I like being a flirt. Jealousy sucks.

And the topic shifts again. I had a friend in college named Sarah (yes, Joe, THAT Sarah) who was soooo jealous of me it drove me nuts. "He likes you better! Our friends favor you! You're dating (the ex), so why is that guy wanting down YOUR pants? Why not MINE?" etc. Drove me freakin' nuts. Ever known a gal like that? Brrrr. Jealousy is a nasty emotion. It's not like any real human is devoid of it; it's more like a DECENT person who LOVES his or her friends and significant other will curb it as appropriate. My friend Lee is a great example of this issue. I've known her since she was 17 and I was 13. We have been totally fantastic friends for decades now, and whenever anybody is great to me, her response is, "Of course they are. You rock!" And whenever a guy hits on me, her response is, "Of course he's smart enough to see that...you rock!" And whenever something GOOD happens to me, she grins as wide as she can and says, "THANK GOD, 'cause if anybody deserves that, it's YOU!" Now that's a friend. I have friends who aren't jealous of me and a man who appreciates my flirty side without being jealous too. LIFE IS GOOD!

So there's no reason to have the heart palpitations, right? Kids are healthy. Bills are (barely) paid. Boyfriend is so perfect he needs to be cloned (did I mention the 6 longstem red roses waiting for me, plus two gifts for the kids when we arrived last weekend? AND that he fetched a chocolate cream cheese muffin and hot cocoa for me both Sat. and Sun. before I woke up, PLUS a Sunday paper for me on Sunday????).

Life is good, so SHUT IT, heart!

17 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey - you KNOW I KNOW what you are going through here. In fact, I was in the same boat only a little bit ago. I wish I could tell you a quick fix, but I think the main thing is to focus on breathing deeply and slowly to bring the heart rate down. Listen to something that soothes you - now, for me, that would be something quite different than most people, but you know what soothes you. (For me, something like country would just make it worse because it would get on my nerves, at which point my heart would race even faster.)

Meanwhile, I know what you're talking about with the jealousy thing too. I'd never been on the other side of it until recently. (I had always been the one who was the person whom the other people like better. It was usually my sister who was jealous. And it always got all over my nerves.) But I've been feeling jealous about something lately, and I am not even sure where it came from. Probably stress and feeling a little insecure about life in general. Wanting to impress people that aren't really impressed or something. But I need to get over it and move on because I don't really have time to worry about it anyway. I'll find some new people to impress. =o)

Feel better! Drink some wine for me... =o)

5:30 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

Oh, I didn't know G was back at tech!! LMAO

Pass the wine!

5:47 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

You will only ever be as happy as you wish your friends to be. Some cheesy, yet true motivational thingie I heard once upon a time that I remind myself of when I feel the green-eyed monster rearing its ugly head...

6:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ooooo - I like that Mesabi!

7:20 PM  
Blogger Joseph H. Vilas said...

Panic attacks aren't necessarily psychological in origin. A friend just went through this. He went on Paxil, and took Xanax short-term until the Paxil kicked in. The attacks did go away. However, I think there are supposed to be things you can do psychologicaly speaking to help deal with it too; at least that's what my therapist told me.

I know you don't have health care, but some doctor's offices have mighty big sample closets, and people with no health care are prime candidates for getting those samples.

7:30 PM  
Blogger Kira said...

Angie--country music would get to me too. Soothing to me is something that would either calm me or make me dance so that I'd forget my woes.

The only time I ever remember being on the other side of the jealousy issue was when I was 17 and had started sleeping with the ex. I wasn't ready, basically, and the reason why I started was that he told me that he'd leave me if we didn't start having sex (and being a stupid teen, hey, I decided to buckle to his threat!). I couldn't STAND for anything female to be within 2 miles of the man. I mean, I'd have a growly fit and I'd even FEEL this slow burn of nastiness in the pit of my stomach. It was a totally irrational feeling, and I didn't like the lack of control. Therefore, I worked on dumping it. It's not that I don't feel jealousy ever now; it's more like I have it controlled because I desperately don't want to be like I was back then. MR had a great way of approaching things, but for me it was just a matter of saying in my head, do you want to be like that again? No? Ok, then shut it! Haha! But yeah, like you, I'm more used to being on the receving end. I've always found that ironic considering how non-spectacular my life is. WHAT the HELL is there to be jealous OF???? Haha!

I will drink your share of the wine tonight, ok? :)

Amanda--LOL! Hey, I said a teacher was possibly hitting on me. Could G ever, ever, EVER be called a teacher with a straight face even though he had a class load?

I've got plenty of Fat Bastard I brought back with me from Green's in Columbia, so enjoy *passes Amanda a glass of shiraz*

MR--that idea makes perfect sense to me. I like the way that's put!

Joe--yeah, I know there are ways to snag free samples, but then I still have to pay for the doctor's visit myself. Yeah, if my family knew, it'd be paid for. Yeah, they've paid for enough. Sigh. But I'm pretty aware that my life itself is not causing the anxiety so much as some sort of chemical imbalance. Yes, my life has some serious issues right now that I'm trying to fix and juggle, but no more so than usual, so there's not a real trigger for the anxiety, you know?

Loook at meeeee and my chemical issues! Aren't I sexyyyyyyy? LOL

2:36 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...

What the hell is there to be jealous of?

PLEEEEEEEEEASE, woman! We are fucking fantastic. The world loves us. We can do no wrong. We are perfect in every way. Every man, woman and child should be jealous.

*and this concludes our morning affirmations*

5:58 AM  
Blogger April said...

I never really understood jealousy for a FRIEND that made someone feel negatively. Call me crazy, but why would I not be happy for a friend who I was able to be jealous of?

Perfect example, I have a long time friend who had gotten her Masters, has a fabulous high paying job, she's married to the love of her life, and she's just built the biggest damn house a single family could need. I'm jealous of all of those things, but more than that I'm extremely happy for her because she is HAPPY. She deserves all of that and I'm very proud of her.

My best friend kinda does the negative jealousy thing sometimes. Like if we go out and some guy wants to buy me a drink, she says they don't even notice me with you sitting here. I should go over to the other side of the bar. SHE IS GORGEOUS! She's got the most natural Playboy model body a woman could ask for, and stunning blue eyes. I don't know why more guys buy me drinks than her, but the only thing I can think of is the way she carries herself is different. She's very "reserved" shy and quiet. I'm very outgoing, friendly and flirty.

So maybe guys just think that I'm easier than her??

I dunno, but jealousy does suck.

As for the palpitations, you've got 2 brilliant, healthy, beautiful kids, a PERFECT man, good friends, your happiness, health, and sanity (somewhat) so calm down, BREATHE in through the nose and out the mouth, and relax. Everything's gonna be alright!!

10:48 AM  
Blogger WordWhiz said...

You've never flirted with me!! You'll flirt with a rock and a cat, but not with me? What have they got that I don't have? Am I not good enough for you?? (Is this about right??)

My ex got his PhD from Duke. I posted something about my ex today. It's not positive!

I woudln't say that I can never tell when a guy has interest until he is THAT obvious about it, but I can say that I'm never entirely SURE. Men are so...VAGUE!!

I'm going off to sulk now...cause you flirt with everyone else but me. Sigh...

11:35 AM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

See, the problem is everything is going so good you are unconsciously "knowing" that this can't last, so instead of feeling great and all you are feeling afraid.

(I just made that up. I know nothing about counseling, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night.)

11:36 AM  
Blogger Canoes under my shoes said...

Ooooooh OHTS...it's the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" theory! Good one! I had that feeling in the beginning with X, then I got comfortable...then the other shoe clunked down on my head so hard I damned near saw stars.

That won't happen to you, Kira. Alex IS perfect and I AM jealous! Actually, I wouldn't call it jealousy. I wish I could find such a man...but in the meantime, it's reassuring to know that Alex's breed is not extinct. You do need to clone him though. Lots of women are waiting!!!

7:01 PM  
Blogger Joseph H. Vilas said...

Kira, you must flirt with WordWhiz immediately, and panic attacks be damned!

8:21 PM  
Blogger Kira said...

Amanda--ok, now that you point it out, you're right. I'm a goddess to be worshipped and adored, and men fall all over themselves to sniff my hair and be graced with my aura...people bask in the glory that is me because I'm a fuckin' gorgeous genius with a great sense of humor! Thanks for reminding me that I totally am "be jealous" material! haha!

April--I have many theories about the situation you described. I had two best friends in high school, Lee (mentioned above) and Tasia. Tasia was GORGEOUS. Seriously. A casual glance and a man always, always stared at her rather than me. Didn't bother me at all--if I were a lesbian, I'd have done the same thing! Anyway, all of our guy friends either asked me out or pursued me and not her. She cried about it a lot...once even TO all of our friends when we were together for a party! "Oh, you all love her more, you all want to date her, I don't understand why I'm worthless to you compared to her," etc. I tried to soothe her for a bit and then I decided she was being overly dramatic and stupid, so then I ignored her and went off with Lee to continue drinking happily in another bedroom...haha! Anyway, WHY--when Tasia was smart, funny, and definitely prettier than me--did I get men mooning over me and she did not? It's how you conduct yourself! I'm friendly, open, and easy to talk to. I smile a lot. I'm pretty optimistic despite crap happening to me. She comes off more distant and aloof. It CAN'T be that a man senses I'm easy 'cause when all of this happened in high school, I was still a virgin! My other alternative explanation is that it's pheremone related and I just smell good...haha!

Mandy--I fixed the flirting thing. Check your blog!

Hoss--actually, sometimes I DO have that feeling that Alex in particular is too good to be real because he's contrary to my experiences with men up until now in my life. Still, when I look at how he's acted for YEARS now, I have to admit: he's what he is, and I'm the luckiest woman around. So, I try NOT to have that thought hit me (IE, that everything's so great it can't last and will blow up).

Laura--you know that every time I joke about cloning Alex on the blog, he reads it and turns red and states repeatedly, I'm not special...why do folks think I should be cloned? My only guess is that he doesn't think he's special because *HE* never has had to date men...haha! I'll work on the cloning because YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS TOO. It's what I tell all my female friends: how Alex treats me is how you deserve to be treated, and if there's one of him there's got to be more (sort of like how there can't be just one Yeti who never dies being sited...if they exist, they reproduce somewhere! we just need to find the cache of men! haha!)

Joe--the anxiety has been lessened now, so I could go off and flirt with WW. Hopefully, she's happy now ;) MAYBE she'll even GRAB MY ASS, unlike what YOU want to do with my cushy tushy *cries* :)

2:18 AM  
Blogger Joseph H. Vilas said...

Dearest Kira, the problem is that you're simultaneously such a fucking flirt and incredibly desirable that I have to overcompensate. At least some of the time, if a woman wanted me to pat her on the ass, and I wanted to do so, I'd do it. But with you, I have to remember that you're just flirting, and that if I did grab your ass, I'd probably lose my fucking mind. I'd lay awake at night, thinking: "I touched her ass. I touched her ass. I touched her ass, and it felt good. I touched her ass, and I want to TOUCH IT AGAIN. And AGAIN!" And then I'd lose my fucking mind, and have to go live in an insane asylum. And we wouldn't want that, now would we? Wouldn't you feel bad if I grabbed your ass and wound up in a nuthouse? Wait, I'm talking about how you feel... I wonder what your ass feels like... AAAAHHHHH! ;)

4:50 PM  
Blogger Kira said...

Joe! LMAO!

No. I would not feel bad if you ended up in a nuthouse because I'm certain there are other factors there *coughs*

*waggles tushy at him* :)

5:04 PM  
Blogger Joseph H. Vilas said...

No. I would not feel bad if you ended up in a nuthouse because I'm certain there are other factors there *coughs*

Why do you think I worry about these things? ;)

*waggles tushy at him* :)

Ass-waver. ;)

6:17 PM  
Blogger A* said...

Grilfriend, a panic attack is a pani attack. Mine way or yours, they still totally suck.

With my way I completely expel everything within 30 minutes, I imagine your way goes on a lot longer than that.

Babe, you are fabulous. Your kids are fantastic. Your man adores you. Everything else will balance out...

And I totally know about "waiting for the other shoe to drop"...

;)

1:10 PM  

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