A Lesson About Men
I had a long conversation about gender issues with Doc-T not long ago. I actually let it slip that I understood a lot more about men than most women because I have two older brothers who taught me a fair bit. I rattled off all I knew about men, and Tim thought I pretty much had it spot on. Then he insisted I should share some of this information with the women of the world. So, I thought I’d go ahead and put up one of the most critical pieces of knowledge one must know about a man:
Subtlety
See, women speak in a much different language than men. Women like to use hints. They like to be subtle. They like to be non-direct in expressing their needs, wants, and desires, in part because we’ve received this message that having our own needs, wants, and desires are bad. I think in the South here in America, women are especially taught to be polite, gentle, sweet, and put other’s feelings in front of theirs. Because of this situation, we rarely outright state what is on our mind. Sometimes it’s not a conscious effort that makes us try to hint rather than say it outright; sometimes it IS conscious because we don’t want to hurt or upset somebody or for some other reason. Whatever the cause…it’s the number one communication issue that I know of between men and women.
Men don’t get subtlety. Men don’t get hints. Men don’t get anything that is not written clearly on a 2x4 and then smacked square into their skulls repeatedly.
I decided a long time ago that Man Speak makes a whole lot more sense than Woman Speak. I don’t get the idea of not saying it directly. Why NOT make it clear? Why do we play these games? Generally, I speak Man instead of Woman. However, I do an excellent job of translating man to woman/woman to man if need be! Let me give an example:
My ex, my friend Tess, and I were all in a car. My ex decided that maybe we’d all like to go to this store he knew Tess also liked to visit. When he asked, here is how it went:
Ex: So, do you guys want to go to this store?
Tess: (long pause) Um…if you really want to go, sure.
Ex: Ok, great! Let’s go!
Me: Honey, she said no, she doesn’t want to go.
Ex, confused: But…that’s not what she said!
Me: Tess said “if you really want to go”, which means, I don’t want to hurt your feelings or say no to you and be rude or upset you, but I really don’t want to go.
Ex: What??? You’re shitting me!
Me: No. Isn’t that what you meant, Tess?
Tess, flushing deeply, now mumbling from the back seat: Um…yes, actually.
This was very confusing to my ex because he was used to my Man Speak of “Yes. No. I don’t like that. Please do that more. Please never do that again.”
Women, the thing you have to remember about men is…remarkably!!!!...they don’t want to get you upset. They would LOVE to avoid getting you upset. Getting you upset means horrible things like burnt dinner, no sex, or snappishness/nagging. These items are all BAD in the Man Universe. Therefore, they are not often willfully pissing you off! If we just use their language and TELL THEM outright THE SECOND we know what we need or don’t need, life would be a lot easier.
Another example of man vs. woman speak:
My brother Ken was dating a gal the whole family loved. Deb seemed PERFECT for Ken, and she fit in with all the rest of us, too. My mom, my sister, and even Deb herself wondered…would Ken ever ask her to marry her? My mom in particular did all these hints and subtleties to Ken all the time about how Deb fit in, and she was so good to his kids, and he’d never find another gal like her…Ken just grunted at best in response. Everybody else who was female did similar non-direct approaches, trying to find out how he felt about Deb.
I found out instantly. Please watch these amazing Jedi Mind Tricks I used on him, too!
Me: Hey Ken…Deb’s great. You guys have been dating a long time. Do you think she’s the one? I mean, do you think you’re gonna ask her to marry you sometime?
Ken, startled at the stupidity of the obviousness of my question: Well, yeah! Of course. She’s great. I’ll ask her after I figure out what she wants to do about the more kids issue.
Do you see how clever I was, all that manipulative language, all that attacking from the sides but never up front? NOT! All I had to do was ask: hey Ken, are you going to marry her?
The direct approach works.
Let me tell you the bonus of the direct approach too: we get what we want and need way more than if we don’t use the direct approach. I’m sorry if you are a female who has been raised to avoid conflict or to be very Southern and gentle and kind. I really am. This is a roadblock to Speaking Man. But at least now you know! Good luck!
Subtlety
See, women speak in a much different language than men. Women like to use hints. They like to be subtle. They like to be non-direct in expressing their needs, wants, and desires, in part because we’ve received this message that having our own needs, wants, and desires are bad. I think in the South here in America, women are especially taught to be polite, gentle, sweet, and put other’s feelings in front of theirs. Because of this situation, we rarely outright state what is on our mind. Sometimes it’s not a conscious effort that makes us try to hint rather than say it outright; sometimes it IS conscious because we don’t want to hurt or upset somebody or for some other reason. Whatever the cause…it’s the number one communication issue that I know of between men and women.
Men don’t get subtlety. Men don’t get hints. Men don’t get anything that is not written clearly on a 2x4 and then smacked square into their skulls repeatedly.
I decided a long time ago that Man Speak makes a whole lot more sense than Woman Speak. I don’t get the idea of not saying it directly. Why NOT make it clear? Why do we play these games? Generally, I speak Man instead of Woman. However, I do an excellent job of translating man to woman/woman to man if need be! Let me give an example:
My ex, my friend Tess, and I were all in a car. My ex decided that maybe we’d all like to go to this store he knew Tess also liked to visit. When he asked, here is how it went:
Ex: So, do you guys want to go to this store?
Tess: (long pause) Um…if you really want to go, sure.
Ex: Ok, great! Let’s go!
Me: Honey, she said no, she doesn’t want to go.
Ex, confused: But…that’s not what she said!
Me: Tess said “if you really want to go”, which means, I don’t want to hurt your feelings or say no to you and be rude or upset you, but I really don’t want to go.
Ex: What??? You’re shitting me!
Me: No. Isn’t that what you meant, Tess?
Tess, flushing deeply, now mumbling from the back seat: Um…yes, actually.
This was very confusing to my ex because he was used to my Man Speak of “Yes. No. I don’t like that. Please do that more. Please never do that again.”
Women, the thing you have to remember about men is…remarkably!!!!...they don’t want to get you upset. They would LOVE to avoid getting you upset. Getting you upset means horrible things like burnt dinner, no sex, or snappishness/nagging. These items are all BAD in the Man Universe. Therefore, they are not often willfully pissing you off! If we just use their language and TELL THEM outright THE SECOND we know what we need or don’t need, life would be a lot easier.
Another example of man vs. woman speak:
My brother Ken was dating a gal the whole family loved. Deb seemed PERFECT for Ken, and she fit in with all the rest of us, too. My mom, my sister, and even Deb herself wondered…would Ken ever ask her to marry her? My mom in particular did all these hints and subtleties to Ken all the time about how Deb fit in, and she was so good to his kids, and he’d never find another gal like her…Ken just grunted at best in response. Everybody else who was female did similar non-direct approaches, trying to find out how he felt about Deb.
I found out instantly. Please watch these amazing Jedi Mind Tricks I used on him, too!
Me: Hey Ken…Deb’s great. You guys have been dating a long time. Do you think she’s the one? I mean, do you think you’re gonna ask her to marry you sometime?
Ken, startled at the stupidity of the obviousness of my question: Well, yeah! Of course. She’s great. I’ll ask her after I figure out what she wants to do about the more kids issue.
Do you see how clever I was, all that manipulative language, all that attacking from the sides but never up front? NOT! All I had to do was ask: hey Ken, are you going to marry her?
The direct approach works.
Let me tell you the bonus of the direct approach too: we get what we want and need way more than if we don’t use the direct approach. I’m sorry if you are a female who has been raised to avoid conflict or to be very Southern and gentle and kind. I really am. This is a roadblock to Speaking Man. But at least now you know! Good luck!
posted by Kira | 12:50 PM
12 Comments:
It is a good thing you were directing this blog for your female readers and not the male ones dearest.
I think the message was a bit too subtle and I am not sure a man would have gotten it. :)
I'm sorry, did you just express one of your cute yet pointless opinions? I didn't notice because I was staring at that picture of the redhead with the amazing boobage. But I do agree with your underlying statement that man is the master and woman's place is in the home, cooking and bearing our children. See, I do understand subtleties. :p
I may have mentioned this to you before, but I believe there is a definite difference between communicating and just yapping which several women don't understand. For example, I overheard a female coworker tell her friends about the fight she was having with her husband (it had been ongoing for more than a day, probably becuase she was keeping it alive). She was mad about something, but rather than tell him she continually got inbetween him and his football game on TV until he noticed. He asked why she was mad, and she responded with (you've all heard it, say it together with me) "If you don't know, then I'm not gonna tell you!" Her friends practically exploded with giggly glee and complimented her for handling that situation well. I remembered thinking "Handling what? What did that accomplish?"
I'm direct but sometimes it is a drag to have to ask. Sometimes I just want the guy to know, ya know. Him knowing is really what I want, not the thing itself sometimes.
Southern born and bred, I have been trained through both positive and negative reinforcement, to do whatever it takes not to hurt someone else's feelings. It takes eons to overcome this, but I do think I'm getting better... gradually. On the other hand, I see what Prom is saying too. Sometimes you just want him to know.
I was actually going to write a manspeak/womanspeak post this weekend too, but I never got around to it. It was going to be about how in manspeak saying something like "Hey! Look at that chick's boobs bounce while she jogs!" might be the equivalent of something nice like "Oh what a lovely sunset!" or something like that. But in womanspeak, especially womanspeak getting filtered through the terministic screen of PMS, that's the kind of thing that could get a man hurt... badly. While bouncing boobs might cheer up another guy, like maybe a friend coming down with the flu or something like that, it's probably not the best thing to say to a woman with cramps.
Nice...pic. You were saying something?
I have found that If I trust what the answer will be I am very direct... Honey, I'm horny, want to take care of that little problem for me.. yep that one very direct. But.. Honey I'm sick of you fininshing before I have even started a bit hard to say.
I'll be damned. Tess has me fooled, too.
My last girlfriend, a genuine southerner, would say such things as, "You know, I think we'd be a whole lot less antsy if we stopped by Dave's and got us an egg sandwich."
Her speech was laced with this type of construction. It didn't take me long to automatically translate such statements into "Let's eat." But what got to me was why she would speak this way.
I have the feeling that American women in general are actively discouraged from speaking frankly, because to do so might betray a will that men wish women didn't have.
Jadedprimadonna wrote: "Southern born and bred, I have been trained through both positive and negative reinforcement, to do whatever it takes not to hurt someone else's feelings." The stereotype of the Southern Belle, a woman put on a pedestal, an ideological icon of racial and gender purity, was touted and lauded for not having any will at all. Supposedly, she was above that. For her taking control in matters outside her societally restricted domain, could be seen as a usurpation over male authority. A lot of men don't like women barking orders at them, for it makes them feel less manly. (Personally, I don't like women OR men barking orders at m, for I'm a bit of an anarchist--but that's another story).
In Kira's example, Tess didn't want to hurt what she perceived to be the Ex's feelings by calling the shots--although it's quite possible he didn't have any strong sentiment about visiting the store or not, but instead simply sought information about what Tess really wanted.
As women continue to gain power over instituions and over their personal affairs, it would be interesting to track whether a shift occurs in their usage of language. Similarly, if there arises a strong anti-feminine (note, I didn't say anti-feminist) backlash, it might be just as interesting to look for changs in how women speak.
You should write a manual: "Men and Women for Dummies".
:-)
It's so true. My bf and I were actually just discussing this yesterday.
When men ask me (or even when they don't) I tell them that the answer to the question "what do women really want?" is very simple: we want to know that we are the center of your attention, even when we aren't. That's why sending flowers and little phone calls and little things like that during the day are so powerful. It shows that you took the time to think about us during the day when we weren't there to remind you of us. If you want to keep a woman happy, make her feel like she and her needs are always on your mind. Then she'll want to have sex with you and then you'll be happier and peace will reign in the home.
Alex: but you got it, right love? ;)
Doc-t: I'm glad you liked it. I tried to explain with examples to show bad woman speak vs. good communication. We learn best through examples! haha!
Grant: well, yes, see that woman wanted to get the "zing" in moreso than she wanted a clear understanding and resolution of the problem. I don't understand that logic...which would be why I haven't stopped mentioning it in every email I've sent you since then. MAN that pisses me off. I want you to know that I have NEVER used that stupid, useless line in my life.
Amanda: if you learn to wield the 2x4 right, it won't leave marks!
Prom: well, hell, technically I'd love that from all people...that they'd just KNOW. Girls have a better shot at it since we're trained to look for the clues. Alex also has an unusual ability to just know what to do or say with me, too. That's rather nice. Still, I know he's not psychic...so being as direct as possible has helped us out a lot in the long run.
Angie: it's a careful balance, as I think I've mentioned to you. We DO need to be compassionate, but we also need to not be walked upon like a rug. As a woman who has lived in Florida (not part of the South) and then the Carolinas, I really DO think that Southern women get pressured to just take it way more than women from other places. Being aware of it is the first step to fixing it.
SJ: no. I wasn't saying anything. Where do you folks GET these insane ideas?
Doe: yes, that's a harder topic to address, but if it's not addressed, there won't be a solution to it. There are, of course, also NICE direct ways to put something and NOT SO NICE direct ways to put something. I've never regretted the "I like this but not this" types of sex convos with a lover because they always end up in better sex. It's just picking the right moment and the right words to say it.
Hoss--well, you're male, so I'm not surprised :)
X.dell--although all women in America are taught the indirect speech and to not concentrate on their needs so much, it really IS a larger problem in the South than anywhere else. You're right in your analysis of the situation with Tess...she feared he would be truly upset, when in actuality Rob didn't give a rip if we actually went or not. I mean, he WANTED to go, but it wasn't a critical thing for him. But her fear that it was important to him limited her ability to respond. She couldn't even make herself go, well if you want to we can go BUT it's not something I particularly want to tod. It was all about the ex and what he wanted...IF he really wanted to go, she would endure even if she were miserable. I'm not raising my daughter to Speak Woman. So far her speech patterns are direct and forthright with very little subtlety. However, she's being raised in the South...so we'll see how she ends up!
SC--see, and that is the difference too. I guess a lot of women think that if they have a need and they want you to fulfill it, it's a command or a bitchy controlling gesture. No, it's not, nor should it be. Saying, Honey I really would love it if you could (blank) for me...is not controlling. "Go do this NOW" is. But asking somebody to help, or telling somebody what a geunine need or issue is? No. That's not critical, controlling, nagging, or anything else vicious that a woman might fear she is conveying.
NWJR: I'm tempted. Haha!
Kyaroko: I've actually disussed THAT issue about women with male friends before, too. It's not about spending the money on a big flower arrangement or chocolates or whatnot...it's the message that "I was at work and had no requirement to think of you, nor a reason to...but I did, so I'm writing you this note/sending you flowers/calling you/etc." One thing that Alex and I do that I love is we have a journal. One of us keeps it for a couple of months, and then the other one keeps it for a couple of months. Whomever has the journal writes in it regularly, and when we exchange it, we get to read what the other person wrote to us, for us, while we weren't together. It doesn't cost a penny, and it makes me feel incredibly loved.
I love the journal, it's like our note books we kept.
I speak male, mostly. First I have to know what I want and some days that is the hard part.
Doe, next time, as he starts for the dive, say, I'm sorry, I need a little more pre heat tonight, I'm not ready yet. Could you please "insert that thing he does you like best" for a little longer?
I love when you do that.
It's fairly safe, non threatening and if you get enough preheat you can keep up with his timing.
I also used to disengage and go back to heavy petting to slow the mate down if he was too far ahead of me.
Your only other alternative is too preheat yourself with those battery things I hear they have so you can get off like a rocket with him.
Good luck.
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