Fighting With Those You Love
Right now, I'm brooding because of a fuss my sister and I have had over the last couple of days. I'd rather not go into the details of it because it flusters me too much; however, it's made me think about how painful it is to have somebody's opinion matter to you. See, on the whole, a stranger, an acquaintance, a person who hasn't bothered to get to know me before listening to other's opinions of me to make a judgment....they can go to hell :) I really am able to blow off about 99.9% of planet Earth's feelings on me and my actions. If *I*, Kira, manage to do the best I can that day and try very hard to do the right thing, then I win. The people who know me best and love me best know that I try always to do what I can, and so they cut me slack when I screw up as humans are wont to do. The end.
The downside of this attitude, though, is that those I let come closest to me have a HUGE importance to me as far as how they view me. These people know me and love me, and therefore when they tell me I have a problem or I'm wrong, I tend to listen. Sometimes they're right, and I need to apologize and fix it. Sometimes, however, I'm mystified on how to fix it when I'm not sure WHAT I did wrong. I'm sort of in that quandary right now.
My sister and I disagree on a variety of issues because we are very different temperamentally. She's a ballet instructor and a former electrical engineer; I'm a lazy slack ass English instructor. I like geek stuff; she doesn't understand it. But we always had a mutual respect and love for one another despite--sometimes because of--our differences. My sis and my mom have never gotten along, and oftentimes I stand between them and mediate. She trusts me to do that because she knows how I feel about her. Ditto for mom. Lucky me for being in the middle...haha!
Anyway, when my sis exploded at me over this particular issue, she flat out told me that she was unwilling to look at other information on the topic PERIOD. She knew what she believed, and obviously anybody who believed otherwise was an unreliable source. Since I have looked at these other sources, I am gullible and do not understand that some sources are not credible...wow. My sister is nine years older than me, and sometimes she treats me more like a daughter than a sister. I feel almost like this is one of those situations, you know? It makes me think of A Few Good Men...."You can't HANDLE the truth!" I'm at a loss. I just have to drop it...and I have. That's the best way to continue on with our relationship. I drop it. I pretend it never happened. But it's hard to ignore that on June 6, 2006, I finally realized that my sister views me as a naive little girl who needs to be protected from her own innocence and gullibility. I think the word "ouch" fits here, as I've never even thought myself remotely like that (nor have ever had anybody else in my 36 yrs view me in this way).
I suppose in the midst of my brooding, I wonder about the nature of reality. Bear with me in my geek reference here. There was a Star Trek: Next Gen episode wherein an incident occured and several people were involved. As each one testified about supposedly the SAME few days, each person gave such a different view from the other that it was like reality had shifted and each one was telling of what happened on an alternate universe. NO ONE had the same vision of what happened. In the end, the judging of the event took place by assembling the pieces of the versions each person told, to reveal the truth of what happened. Only through these unique perceptions on the same event could the truth unravel. No one had it right all on his or her own as each one had his or her own priorities and feelings that interfered with the senses as they gathered up what happened.
When I went through marriage counseling with my ex, the counselor spoke of a childhood filter. She said that how we were treated as children is how we filter the world, and the more abused the child, the thicker the filter. She said being aware of the filter helps a lot, but that it can never go away because we ALL absorb things based on how we've experienced the world in the past. There were times that I told a very different version of an argument than my ex did, and looking at either of us in the eye would show we BOTH really believed our version: we both thought the other was being stubborn for not seeing it quite the way we did. It made me feel crazy. My only consolation is that the two times the ex and I had a big fight when there were adult witnesses, the witnesses seemed to see a vision of reality closer to mine than his. It was almost a relief to hear their versions...like somehow this made me LESS crazy than before.
What does one do when somebody one loves has a totally different take on reality than you do? I guess it always has to depend on the specific situation, but regardless it leaves me questioning myself and what I saw or remember every single time. And so, that's where I am right now!
The downside of this attitude, though, is that those I let come closest to me have a HUGE importance to me as far as how they view me. These people know me and love me, and therefore when they tell me I have a problem or I'm wrong, I tend to listen. Sometimes they're right, and I need to apologize and fix it. Sometimes, however, I'm mystified on how to fix it when I'm not sure WHAT I did wrong. I'm sort of in that quandary right now.
My sister and I disagree on a variety of issues because we are very different temperamentally. She's a ballet instructor and a former electrical engineer; I'm a lazy slack ass English instructor. I like geek stuff; she doesn't understand it. But we always had a mutual respect and love for one another despite--sometimes because of--our differences. My sis and my mom have never gotten along, and oftentimes I stand between them and mediate. She trusts me to do that because she knows how I feel about her. Ditto for mom. Lucky me for being in the middle...haha!
Anyway, when my sis exploded at me over this particular issue, she flat out told me that she was unwilling to look at other information on the topic PERIOD. She knew what she believed, and obviously anybody who believed otherwise was an unreliable source. Since I have looked at these other sources, I am gullible and do not understand that some sources are not credible...wow. My sister is nine years older than me, and sometimes she treats me more like a daughter than a sister. I feel almost like this is one of those situations, you know? It makes me think of A Few Good Men...."You can't HANDLE the truth!" I'm at a loss. I just have to drop it...and I have. That's the best way to continue on with our relationship. I drop it. I pretend it never happened. But it's hard to ignore that on June 6, 2006, I finally realized that my sister views me as a naive little girl who needs to be protected from her own innocence and gullibility. I think the word "ouch" fits here, as I've never even thought myself remotely like that (nor have ever had anybody else in my 36 yrs view me in this way).
I suppose in the midst of my brooding, I wonder about the nature of reality. Bear with me in my geek reference here. There was a Star Trek: Next Gen episode wherein an incident occured and several people were involved. As each one testified about supposedly the SAME few days, each person gave such a different view from the other that it was like reality had shifted and each one was telling of what happened on an alternate universe. NO ONE had the same vision of what happened. In the end, the judging of the event took place by assembling the pieces of the versions each person told, to reveal the truth of what happened. Only through these unique perceptions on the same event could the truth unravel. No one had it right all on his or her own as each one had his or her own priorities and feelings that interfered with the senses as they gathered up what happened.
When I went through marriage counseling with my ex, the counselor spoke of a childhood filter. She said that how we were treated as children is how we filter the world, and the more abused the child, the thicker the filter. She said being aware of the filter helps a lot, but that it can never go away because we ALL absorb things based on how we've experienced the world in the past. There were times that I told a very different version of an argument than my ex did, and looking at either of us in the eye would show we BOTH really believed our version: we both thought the other was being stubborn for not seeing it quite the way we did. It made me feel crazy. My only consolation is that the two times the ex and I had a big fight when there were adult witnesses, the witnesses seemed to see a vision of reality closer to mine than his. It was almost a relief to hear their versions...like somehow this made me LESS crazy than before.
What does one do when somebody one loves has a totally different take on reality than you do? I guess it always has to depend on the specific situation, but regardless it leaves me questioning myself and what I saw or remember every single time. And so, that's where I am right now!
posted by Kira | 12:49 PM
6 Comments:
I think Socrates had it right on truth, and the Star Trek episode reminds me of his version. There IS an absolute truth. It's just that humans aren't wise enough to see beyond their own perspectives (what you are calling filters here and what Kenneth Burke calls terministic screens, although he sees it as much more complex than what you experience in childhood, I think). So, the absolute truth lies in all the perspectives. Unfortunately, humans do not have the wisdom to get to it. They merely have to keep striving to reach it.
Anyway, I'm very different from my family too, as you know. I am not anyone's younger sister, so it's hard for me to know how it would feel to have an older sister make me feel like they see me as guillible. But I bet that must feel really lowsy. I can offer this one small story as consolation. I used to feel like one of my sisters would never understand me. And we had a huge, horrible fight once about how my parents were handling my brother's drug problem. It was serious enough that we might not have ever spoken again. We put it behind us, but I always felt like things were still tense on the inside. I always got the impression that they really didn't care for the way I live my life - that kind of thing. But then, her husband took my class this semester. And he saw me in a totally different light. I guess he went home and shared that. It's like they get me now; and they respect me too. I finally feel like that argument from several years ago is not hurting our relationship anymore.
I hope something like that can happen for you and your sister too. I know how much I love my sisters and how much it hurts when I feel like things aren't right with them. But you know - despite what she might perceive, you are a very wise person. And I feel confident you will find a way to put yourself at ease over this.
Akira Kurosawa did the multiple POV's in Rashomon long before STTNG.
Am I one of the few whose opinion matter? If not, feck off! If so, feck off with love. =)
Blame Evilus for your woes. You haven't given the devil his due, and now you're suffering.
God, I hate it when you write like this, because I have to read it, then i have to respond, and then I really never do. It's so much easier to make my one-liners and leave: ejaculate and evacuate. I restrained myself on the men-are-insensitive post though -- I really did. :/
You don't hear any implications that your sister would grow distant if you didn't see things hr way, did she. If so, I would suspect that she'll reconsider for the simple reason that family's too precious to throw down the drain.
If she dind't indicate such, then you seem to be experiencing some weird incongruity. You might have trusted your sister's past advice because you could see it's validity. Couple this with sorta the typical authority given to older siblings (my kid sister complained about this once) and you have a stuation where you might feel that you're missing something, because what she's saying doesn't jibe with anything you're seeing AND you're insulted in the process.
Funny. It seems as though parents have an easier time letting go of their young ones than older siblings siblings.
you just need a big stick.
no one argues with a woman with a big stick in her hand!
You can't pick your family, but you can pick ON them!
:-)
As you may know, my brother and I have very different worldviews (I'm the artsy creative type, he's an Assembly of God Minister. Yeah. Do the math.). I'd walk through fire for him, but we definitely don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. Still, I go to him for advice, and he (sometimes) comes to me. I've learned to respect his opinion without relying on it.
And despite having the same parents and growing up in the same home only a year-and-a-half apart, we have very different views of our parents. It's amazing--almost as if, sometimes, they were two different sets of 'rents. We remember some things identically, but can't even agree that other events EVER HAPPENED. It's "wyrd". ;-)
Anyway, that's the long way around the barn to say, "I get what you mean." Good post.
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