Language
So, we're sitting in a restaurant the other week with Alex and his work folks. They threw him a good bye party because he's now in school at USC and no longer at his internship any more. We got to talking about French and how Alex has tried to show the kids a few words and phrases in French. So, my son feels that it is now time to contribute to the conversation. He tells us that he remembers two words in French! Oh really? I ask. Which two do you remember!
"Eau and merde!" he says proudly.
I laughed my ass off. My five-year-old is fully capable of asking for water or screaming out SHIT! in French. What more did I ever want out of life?
****
My dad is from Kentucky, Louisville to be precise. His uncle was a bookie when my dad was a teen. The uncle constantly was trying to convince my dad he should be a jockey because of his height (or lack thereof). At 5'6", he probably was indeed the right size to be one. I suppose that's why he sent me this joke...
THE PROBLEM WITH HIGH URINALS.....
A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied
by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the
famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred
horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would
go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting
outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her
that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went
inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys
up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away
from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the
teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."
HE REPLIED: "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race
today.
****
And the last language issue today...male vs. female communication.
Remember how I told you that my son is so precise with his language? He is a creature of logic on so many issues, even when you throw his heart into the matter. My daughter, however, has a different approach. My children actually had a fight in the car today because of just these differences.
See, my daughter started saying how I was the best mom in the world. Then she expanded it to state that I was the best mom in the universe. My son denied that this idea had merit. My daughter started screaming at him that he couldn't love me so much if he could say such a thing. That, of course, upset my son. See, my son is the ultimate momma's boy. If you ask him who his favorite person is, he says, MOMMY! If you ask him who his second favorite person is, he'll say, "There's no one but MOMMY!" (sometimes he'll respond "Kate!"--Alex's sister--and then grin at Ariana like the devil knowing that answer would piss her off. She's ok with being second to me, but she's not going to be third on her brother's list!). My son often tells me he wants to be with me for the rest of his life and that nobody is more important to him than me. That if he had just one person in the world near him, it would be ME. I don't feel a lack of love there. I feel rather secure, in fact. So, I felt that Mr. Science Brain had a much more logical reason for why he couldn't say that I was the best mommy in the universe. Suddenly, as Ariana is sobbing, he explains:
"Well, she's the best mom in our family for sure, and I don't know of a better mommy, but I don't know all the mommies in the universe. Chances are good that some mommy somewhere might be greater even if piles are not as good."
See? Logic.
Ariana rejected that idea. "NO! You can't love her if you say that. If you don't KNOW of any other mommy better than her, she's the best mommy in the universe!"
I just tried to drive the damn car and stay out of it. But there you go...difference in approaches. The end result was that they were both upset, too. Jared was upset that Ariana accused him of not loving his mother. Ariana was upset that he wouldn't just say that I was the best mommy anywhere, thinking--truly--that it meant that her brother didn't love me "enough." I tried to tell them both that I knew they both loved me and I was ok with how they expressed it, but they ignored me. Woohoo! And they aren't even teens yet! But the good news is...if they learn from each other...when they reach dating age, at least they'll understand how the opposite sex typically communicates.
"Eau and merde!" he says proudly.
I laughed my ass off. My five-year-old is fully capable of asking for water or screaming out SHIT! in French. What more did I ever want out of life?
****
My dad is from Kentucky, Louisville to be precise. His uncle was a bookie when my dad was a teen. The uncle constantly was trying to convince my dad he should be a jockey because of his height (or lack thereof). At 5'6", he probably was indeed the right size to be one. I suppose that's why he sent me this joke...
THE PROBLEM WITH HIGH URINALS.....
A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied
by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the
famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred
horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would
go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting
outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her
that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went
inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys
up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away
from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the
teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."
HE REPLIED: "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race
today.
****
And the last language issue today...male vs. female communication.
Remember how I told you that my son is so precise with his language? He is a creature of logic on so many issues, even when you throw his heart into the matter. My daughter, however, has a different approach. My children actually had a fight in the car today because of just these differences.
See, my daughter started saying how I was the best mom in the world. Then she expanded it to state that I was the best mom in the universe. My son denied that this idea had merit. My daughter started screaming at him that he couldn't love me so much if he could say such a thing. That, of course, upset my son. See, my son is the ultimate momma's boy. If you ask him who his favorite person is, he says, MOMMY! If you ask him who his second favorite person is, he'll say, "There's no one but MOMMY!" (sometimes he'll respond "Kate!"--Alex's sister--and then grin at Ariana like the devil knowing that answer would piss her off. She's ok with being second to me, but she's not going to be third on her brother's list!). My son often tells me he wants to be with me for the rest of his life and that nobody is more important to him than me. That if he had just one person in the world near him, it would be ME. I don't feel a lack of love there. I feel rather secure, in fact. So, I felt that Mr. Science Brain had a much more logical reason for why he couldn't say that I was the best mommy in the universe. Suddenly, as Ariana is sobbing, he explains:
"Well, she's the best mom in our family for sure, and I don't know of a better mommy, but I don't know all the mommies in the universe. Chances are good that some mommy somewhere might be greater even if piles are not as good."
See? Logic.
Ariana rejected that idea. "NO! You can't love her if you say that. If you don't KNOW of any other mommy better than her, she's the best mommy in the universe!"
I just tried to drive the damn car and stay out of it. But there you go...difference in approaches. The end result was that they were both upset, too. Jared was upset that Ariana accused him of not loving his mother. Ariana was upset that he wouldn't just say that I was the best mommy anywhere, thinking--truly--that it meant that her brother didn't love me "enough." I tried to tell them both that I knew they both loved me and I was ok with how they expressed it, but they ignored me. Woohoo! And they aren't even teens yet! But the good news is...if they learn from each other...when they reach dating age, at least they'll understand how the opposite sex typically communicates.
posted by Kira | 7:38 AM
10 Comments:
You should have rephrased the question. While maintaining that Jared couldn't be sure you were the greatest mommy anywhere since he doesn't know all the mommies, he could feel secure in saying you are the greatest mommy he knows regardless of location. Of course, your reaction is still better than "Shut up or I'll give you something to cry about!"
Merde! That's a funny joke. But, then, so are the kids. Heh.
You'll remember these moments with such fondness in 10ish years when they're rolling their eyes at you and telling you that you don't know anything.
During the whole story of the kids, I kepy picturing the cartoons with Daffy as Duck Dodgers and marvin the martian as the kepe pulling out bigger and sillier weapons. heh. Anyway, yeah, I'm weird. ;O)
there's a misplaced jealousy your daughter seems to feel though she may not express it often. The dynamics you describe sound all too familiar, not just between me and my little brother, but within my family.
The hardest time for me was in my early teens when I couldn't deal with my little brother and he couldn't deal with me. We'll grow out of it, I have but my brother hasn't - and he's 14 already.
Fatty - there is some of that with my kids right now too. How many years apart are you and your brother?
Lol - Kira, I think I actually remember an argument about who loves me more between my kids a long time ago. It wasn't exactly the same, but it turned into a contest of who could come up with the best example of something... something along those lines. They are both so creative, it's hard to keep up with the many reasons they find for arguing. Let's hope it builds into brilliant, analytical discussions of life when they (Fatty and her brother, your kids, my kids) are all far into their adulthoods... =o)
(1) That Jared. He's a mess (as my mother would say--quite complimentary, actually). And Ari's a real sweetheart, sticking up for mommy like that.
Most siblings of that age would argue about who's sitting on whose side of the backseat, or whether they should stop for ice cream or candy. You're kids are apparently kinda deep.
(2) For someone who mispent much of his youth riding horses in KY, I appreciated that joke more than you can know.
(3) 'Eau' and 'merde' translate into 'Wasser' and 'Scheiss" in German, and 'aqua' and 'caca' in Latin.
I would offer more languages to expand Jared's vocabulary, but those are the only ones in which I know dirty words.
I have a couple friends I visit occasionally. They know I hate saying that I like person more than another. So I'm at their house one day, and all three of us are going somewhere. Because one of them was going elsewhere afterward, they both wound up driving, and I was just hanging out anyway. And I don't know which car to get in, so of course one friend picks up on it and says "Joe, ride with the one you love most...." In retaliation I tell her to fuck off and I ride with the other person. :)
Grant--it just feels strange to toot my own horn by saying something like that though!
Hoss--what, my kids are a funny joke? Actually, they pretty much DO entertain me like one long joke ;)
Kyaroko--I think those days might happen a lot sooner than I'd like. My daughter's crying jags give every indication to me that we're gonna suffer through early puberty. They just started...along with her widening hips, rounding ass, and....my god she's EIGHT!!! But then again, I was ten when I had a full rack, so it's a family problem.
CS--yes, that's a good image! They'd probably like that as I've, of course, introduced them to the classics.
Amanda--you get your own special list. Goddesses don't suffer on a list with mere mortals ;)
Fatty--gosh, I hope that's not it, but since you've been there I'll keep an eye out for it. Usually, my daughter is actually very giving and sweet with her brother. They have their moments, but this is the girl who decided all on her own that Jared needed half her candy that she grabbed from a pinata because Jared was too little to grab much of anything before the bigger kids got it all. But, hey, that doesn't mean she can't have jealousy going off too (or that he can't). Thanks for the warning!
Angie--well, they already have avid debates on things like "whether or not a sea turtle really deserves to be a reptile or should be considered an amphibian." Or, my personal favorite, "What if every religion in the world got it WRONG and we're all screwing up?" Unfortunately, with a Frenchman in the house, my natural inclination to discuss and discuss to death is only fed and admired. They mimic their mom and dad in having heated intellectual conversations. I love it, actually :)
X.dell--my children, when they act more like kids, fight over "he said that, no she didn't" type of stuff. But in all actuality, that normal childhood fight is rare. They usually shoot over fighting over more complex issues like this one. Lucky me! I thank you for additional curse words. I knew the latin ones, but I did NOT know the German ones. He can have as a goal to be able to curse in every major language! Or wait, is that my goal?
Joe--that actually sounds like the kind of response I'd give! Especially the fuck off part :)
Doc-T--but think back upon your teachers. How many of them would you WANT to hold your wee-wee? I'll let Ari know her defense next time it comes up. I'd rather not bring it back up now though because they're kinda quiet and happy right now. I like that. I want it to STAY ;)
"Best mom in the universe" is high praise indeed. I've heard there are some damn good mothers in the Andromeda galaxy, though. Maybe this is an opportunity for a field trip for the the little one.
-- david
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