Compromise
Well, our weekend went like this: drive from Columbia to the upstate with two children in the car, drop them off at their father's office so he could have them for the weekend, then drive three hours to Grant's apartment in Atlanta. Along the way, it took longer than three hours because there was a spectacular accident...in the other freakin' lane. I wish I could blow up the car of anybody who holds up traffic just because they can't afford theatre tickets and so they want to stop in the middle of a busy interstate and stare at the wreck on the other side. There was seriously nothing wrong with anybody inbound for Atlanta on I-85. It was the outbound lane. But, every yahoo had to stop and stare, trolling his or her car along at 2 mph.
When we arrived, I had a need to consume alcohol and rapidly because, damnit, we were to watch Suicide Club and Battle Royale. I am SO glad I drank a bottle of wine. I handled it all very well after that point. I am not desensitized to violence enough to watch J-horror without being intoxicated. The alcohol also helped the pain. See, this whole last week I've been helping Alex move from one apartment to the other, all while watching the kids. I was SORE, especially after then being in the car for five hours on Friday. I woke up with a mild headache. SURPRISE!
You know, I hate the traffic in Atlanta, but the weekend on the whole reminded me of exactly why it'd be cool to live there for a while. First of all, Grant had no problem finding a place nearby that accomodated working schedules that taught languages, so he is able to go off on Sat. mornings to Japanese class. THAT is probably what I need for French if I ever want to get up to speed. Then there's all the great food right around the place...we ate at Umezono's (good Japanese food) twice, then also Pappasito's (good Mexican food), and finally Papadeux (good cajun food). I HAD OYSTERS!!!! Sorry. That was very exciting because you can't find them very many locations where I live (unless you want them raw or fried, which is not my preference). Next, Marietta has the big chicken, and the lack of said chicken in MY town makes me sad. They also have the hugest Whole Foods I've ever seen: Harry's Farmer's Market. I could live in that store.
On Saturday, we hung out with Angie (not to be confused with Jadedprimadonna) and Tim along with our host. Tim and Angie let me babble at them about wine when we were in Harry's; Grant wisely ran off with Alex to the beer section instead. Eventually, when we were back at Grant's place, we ended up spending half the time in the kitchen talking. Everybody got along fantastically! It was like a mini bloggercon in Atlanta, and we definitely have to do it again. I've had terrific luck meeting folks off the net so far in my life, honestly.
On Sunday, Grant and I watched Shaun of the Dead while Alex worked on some of his homework (Alex's MBA program has a rough week this week what with stuff due and tests, but he wanted to go to Atlanta anyway, so this was how he did some of his work and still managed to go). Towards the beginning of the movie, Shaun's girlfriend makes it clear what they need to do for their anniversary and that they are to do it and he has to like it. Grant made a comment about how he hated that...not only were you expected to do something you didn't want to do, but that you had to like it as well. I laughed. We talked about it for a while as the movie continued, and then the whole incident sat at the back of my head until this morning when, for whatever reason, I started thinking about it again.
Compromise. We all know that relationships require compromise, but how much? You DO have to occasionally do something you don't really want to do just because it's so important to the other person, but when half of your experiences with that person (or more!) are compromises of doing what you don't want to do, then I say run. Why, you ask? Well, to me that indicates that you don't have enough in common anyway to make it in the long haul! If everything I want to do he doesn't and vice-versa, then whenever we walk out of the bedroom we're going to be miserable. With Alex, we just have a fair bit in common, so when we want to go out to eat it's at the same types of places (I had to train him on Mexican food as it's not common in France, but he got there! haha!). Even though I'm the female in the universe who likes to shop the least, Alex likes to shop so whenever I DO have the urge to go to the mall, he's there and happy about it. We like the same types of movies. We like many of the same types of games and such too. Most of our music tastes accomodate the other's. That really makes it a LOT easier. However, we do have to compromise on occasion. For instance, the other weekend when my kids wanted all of us to go to the lake together, this was definitely a compromise for Alex because he's not into nature at all. He's a city boy. If he's going to swim, he'd prefer a water park or somewhere with no bugs and lots of chlorine. But, he did it and he did it with a smile on his face...and in the end, he found he enjoyed himself too.
You know, I DO think that if you agree to compromise and do something for the other person, you shouldn't be a wet blanket about it. If you can't be happy about it, then don't DO it. Say no. And if your woman or man keeps asking you to do shit that you'd rather gnaw off your right arm than do, I think you need to find a new significant other who is more compatable to your tastes. OR! Find other people to do these activities with. I would never dream of asking Alex to go camping for a weekend. If I wanted to do that with the kids yet wanted another adult around, I have several friends who could step up for me. Why make Alex miserable just because I want him there? Compromise goes from both sides. Sometimes it means that you do what the other wants, and you do it with love in your heart. Sometimes it means you don't even ASK the other to do it because you know he or she would really hate it, and you get somebody else to do it with you. Of course, then we have to get into another issue: jealousy. Sometimes a guy might like, say, hockey and his girlfriend doesn't. He should be able to go out, unpestered, to hang with his guy friends at bars to watch the hockey game or to go to one without the girl getting pissed because he's not spending more time with her. If you can't trust him to behave himself when he's out without you, then you've got the wrong guy...let him go. For pete's sake! Don't be a fecking babysitter! People can do things without each other, you know? Couplehood does not mean blending into one being and never separating.
So there you have it: my levels of compromise. I think you shouldn't ask a sig other very often to do something you know that he or she won't like. You should try to find other ways around that. If there are too many things you want to do that he or she doesn't, you don't have enough in common. If you have to always ask, even if the person does it, eventually there will be resentment. BUT! If you agree to do it, don't be an asshole. I can't imagine it would be fun for a man who loves hockey to take a woman with him who doesn't...and instead of trying to follow the game and what is going on, she whines all the way through and looks bored. Stay home, dumb ass. Wet blanket syndrome sucks. Ok, that's my two cents!
When we arrived, I had a need to consume alcohol and rapidly because, damnit, we were to watch Suicide Club and Battle Royale. I am SO glad I drank a bottle of wine. I handled it all very well after that point. I am not desensitized to violence enough to watch J-horror without being intoxicated. The alcohol also helped the pain. See, this whole last week I've been helping Alex move from one apartment to the other, all while watching the kids. I was SORE, especially after then being in the car for five hours on Friday. I woke up with a mild headache. SURPRISE!
You know, I hate the traffic in Atlanta, but the weekend on the whole reminded me of exactly why it'd be cool to live there for a while. First of all, Grant had no problem finding a place nearby that accomodated working schedules that taught languages, so he is able to go off on Sat. mornings to Japanese class. THAT is probably what I need for French if I ever want to get up to speed. Then there's all the great food right around the place...we ate at Umezono's (good Japanese food) twice, then also Pappasito's (good Mexican food), and finally Papadeux (good cajun food). I HAD OYSTERS!!!! Sorry. That was very exciting because you can't find them very many locations where I live (unless you want them raw or fried, which is not my preference). Next, Marietta has the big chicken, and the lack of said chicken in MY town makes me sad. They also have the hugest Whole Foods I've ever seen: Harry's Farmer's Market. I could live in that store.
On Saturday, we hung out with Angie (not to be confused with Jadedprimadonna) and Tim along with our host. Tim and Angie let me babble at them about wine when we were in Harry's; Grant wisely ran off with Alex to the beer section instead. Eventually, when we were back at Grant's place, we ended up spending half the time in the kitchen talking. Everybody got along fantastically! It was like a mini bloggercon in Atlanta, and we definitely have to do it again. I've had terrific luck meeting folks off the net so far in my life, honestly.
On Sunday, Grant and I watched Shaun of the Dead while Alex worked on some of his homework (Alex's MBA program has a rough week this week what with stuff due and tests, but he wanted to go to Atlanta anyway, so this was how he did some of his work and still managed to go). Towards the beginning of the movie, Shaun's girlfriend makes it clear what they need to do for their anniversary and that they are to do it and he has to like it. Grant made a comment about how he hated that...not only were you expected to do something you didn't want to do, but that you had to like it as well. I laughed. We talked about it for a while as the movie continued, and then the whole incident sat at the back of my head until this morning when, for whatever reason, I started thinking about it again.
Compromise. We all know that relationships require compromise, but how much? You DO have to occasionally do something you don't really want to do just because it's so important to the other person, but when half of your experiences with that person (or more!) are compromises of doing what you don't want to do, then I say run. Why, you ask? Well, to me that indicates that you don't have enough in common anyway to make it in the long haul! If everything I want to do he doesn't and vice-versa, then whenever we walk out of the bedroom we're going to be miserable. With Alex, we just have a fair bit in common, so when we want to go out to eat it's at the same types of places (I had to train him on Mexican food as it's not common in France, but he got there! haha!). Even though I'm the female in the universe who likes to shop the least, Alex likes to shop so whenever I DO have the urge to go to the mall, he's there and happy about it. We like the same types of movies. We like many of the same types of games and such too. Most of our music tastes accomodate the other's. That really makes it a LOT easier. However, we do have to compromise on occasion. For instance, the other weekend when my kids wanted all of us to go to the lake together, this was definitely a compromise for Alex because he's not into nature at all. He's a city boy. If he's going to swim, he'd prefer a water park or somewhere with no bugs and lots of chlorine. But, he did it and he did it with a smile on his face...and in the end, he found he enjoyed himself too.
You know, I DO think that if you agree to compromise and do something for the other person, you shouldn't be a wet blanket about it. If you can't be happy about it, then don't DO it. Say no. And if your woman or man keeps asking you to do shit that you'd rather gnaw off your right arm than do, I think you need to find a new significant other who is more compatable to your tastes. OR! Find other people to do these activities with. I would never dream of asking Alex to go camping for a weekend. If I wanted to do that with the kids yet wanted another adult around, I have several friends who could step up for me. Why make Alex miserable just because I want him there? Compromise goes from both sides. Sometimes it means that you do what the other wants, and you do it with love in your heart. Sometimes it means you don't even ASK the other to do it because you know he or she would really hate it, and you get somebody else to do it with you. Of course, then we have to get into another issue: jealousy. Sometimes a guy might like, say, hockey and his girlfriend doesn't. He should be able to go out, unpestered, to hang with his guy friends at bars to watch the hockey game or to go to one without the girl getting pissed because he's not spending more time with her. If you can't trust him to behave himself when he's out without you, then you've got the wrong guy...let him go. For pete's sake! Don't be a fecking babysitter! People can do things without each other, you know? Couplehood does not mean blending into one being and never separating.
So there you have it: my levels of compromise. I think you shouldn't ask a sig other very often to do something you know that he or she won't like. You should try to find other ways around that. If there are too many things you want to do that he or she doesn't, you don't have enough in common. If you have to always ask, even if the person does it, eventually there will be resentment. BUT! If you agree to do it, don't be an asshole. I can't imagine it would be fun for a man who loves hockey to take a woman with him who doesn't...and instead of trying to follow the game and what is going on, she whines all the way through and looks bored. Stay home, dumb ass. Wet blanket syndrome sucks. Ok, that's my two cents!
posted by Kira | 6:21 AM
11 Comments:
I wish I could blow up the car of anybody who holds up traffic just because they can't afford theatre tickets...
BWAHAHAHA.
Best laugh I've had all day.
Oh, and I saw "Battle Royale" last week for the first time. Ummmm...I don't know what to say.
Well, hon...do you feel better now? Just kidding. I agree there are levels of compromise. If you find yourself doing it all the time or that you're the only one doing it then you have to ask yourself if this is what you want for the remainder of your life. Moderation is the key.
One of the things I hate with some women are that they drag you along to things they know you won't like, then get insulted if you tire and your mind wanders and you forget to pretend you're excited and interested in, say, doilies. I read a book wherein the girly author talked about how men that just grunt or say "Yes, dear" when the woman asks his honest opinion about something when he’s there out of obligation are dismissing the woman’s interests and are, by extension, indicating that they don't care about her. There was no mention of what it says about the woman who insists that he be there in the first place, and not only wants him there and not being a wet blanket but insists that he pretend to like it and give a thoughtful opinion about something that doesn't interest him in the least. At times like that, I like to remind my significant other that riding inside the car is a privilege, not a right, and also that the Army spent several years training me to kill people who get on my nerves. Just, you know, sorta FYI.
Well said, Kira.
I have come to terms with the fact that I am too much a freak to find anyone who likes all the same things that I like, so I think that's why it's important to have a network of people with whom you do various things. I think you can find common ground and enjoy those things together; but then, for the stuff that you don't enjoy -be totally free to go and hang out with others who will have fun doing that particular thing. I think one of the worst mistakes that people make in relationships is loosing their individual identities. It's a sure fire why to bring a good relationship to an premature ending.
As the kids get older, I realize the compromise thing applies to them too. They like doing things with me, but I don't enjoy all the things they like. So, we choose our things we do together wisely. It's sad to see parents who live through their children, without keeping some things for themselves. I think if you model the compromise thing for your children, it will help them learn to do that when they are adults... or at least I hope so... I guess I'll know in ten years or so, lol. =o)
I can't decide if I compromise too much or not enough. I know in the past I've gone along with crap I would not put up with now (like no sex for months and months, or repeatedly being blown off when we'd set up a date). However, I've occasionally been told things like I'm forceful, or intense, or intimidating, or hard to take. Kira (and others) knows I'm mostly just a big puddytat, though. Sometimes I've waited too long to complain (and maybe then complained too much, but I don't think so), but I think that's a pretty similar issue: deciding when to compromise/deciding when to complain. I don't know.
Your two cents was necessary, Kira, for here in the US we tend to see compromise as weakness instead of fair negotiation for needs based on honor.
I envy the fact that the five of you got to meet over the weekend. As far as I know, no one has posted pictures yet.
your advice is sound and hits the nail on the head. Worth a lot more than 2 cents!
You know...that was something I liked about my ex-husband. We were both fairly independent. If he was doing something I didn't want to do, I had the freedom to say "no" without feeling like I was ruining his time or vice verse.
I will say, from the point of view of a woman who is once again on the market at the age of 38 1/2, it's a lot harder to turn them away when they're so few and far between (but it does get done eventually...I guess it's a little harder, but just as inevitable)
great post Kira. if you really care about someone, the compromises are painless.
NWJR--if you find something to say about Battle Royale other than "OMG!", let me know ;)
Angie--yes, moderation is the key for all things except chocolate intake!
Grant--well, it's ridiculous to expect somebody to jump up and down next to you about something that doesn't interest them, but it IS reasonable to expect them not to be a shithead while accompanying you. My ex used to bitch and bitch and bitch if he went somewhere he didn't want to, even though when asked (and NOT pressured), he'd say yes. I finally told him, you know what? Just stay home. I don't care. Just...stay home and don't ruin the experience for me. But expecting him to come along and listen attentively and be excited never occured to me. Sort of like when Alex came along to the lake with us...I didn't expect him to be enthusiastic and excited. I just expected him to come along and play with the kids sometimes to make them happy. It went way beyond what I thought could happen that he ended up enjoying it so much!
Amanda--I don't know why that's so difficult. But you're right--it IS a SC thing to join at the hips and abandon your friends after marriage. I never did that last go around, and I'm sure as hell not going to do it this time either.
Angie--I didn't think of it on the level of kids, but you're absolutely right. We DO make compromises with them in how we spend our time together. Sometimes we do something they want; sometimes they do something we want. And that is indeed preparation for later on. I wonder if those who are unable to compromise in relationships as adults were allowed to do whatever they wanted as kids, even if mom and dad had different things they wanted to do?
Joe--you're usually too nice. However, those who don't know you very well could see your presentation when you finally do
complain as too intense or something. I know better. You're absolutely a puddytat ;)
X.dell--you know, I don't think anybody TOOK pictures. Maybe next time I can wait until everybody's good and soused up, and then I'll use Grant's digital camera to take some good ones! haha!
Fatty--thanks :)
Laura--eh, well, I'm all of two years younger than you and I, with two young children, still found a fantastic man. Just don't settle. I think you figured that one out with HM though, so you're ok! My ex had a problem telling me that he didn't want to do something. He would rather say he'd do it, then bitch about it incessantly until the task was done. Once I realized that one, I just stopped asking him to do anything I wasn't CERTAIN he'd like to do. That helped. He never minded me going out and doing things on my own...never controlling that way.
JD--well, that's what I've found. Before, in previous relationships, I didn't find that moderation in compromise that Angie mentioned. I usually did too much of the compromising, and then I'd feel resentful. But this time around, when I compromise--which isn't ever more than I should--it's painless.
The mate and I liked many different things and enjoyed many different activities. We did them together sometimes and other times not. He might make two family events a year, I might go to 6, four without him. I might go camping once a year with him, he might to twice more without me.
The only time his tunes bothered me was when they were too loud for my comfort, so I would move to let him crank the jams if I could. If I couldn't I asked for a little volumn control.
We compromised on everything from favorite meals to major purchases.
The differences or who compromised more never came into it. It's just what you do to have what you want.
What we wanted was to be happy together and so we did what it took to keep it that way.
Some years one or the other might have "given up" or compromised more than the other but the contentment and happiness level remained the same for both of us.
There is a difference between compromise and taking advantage of someone.
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