ThudThudThud
I don't like to complain, but the truth of the matter is that my anxiety issues are expanding. I am guessing they are related to the birth control pill because they seem to be hormone based, so I will just have to discuss this with my gyn this month. Sigh. I do NOT enjoy having my heart thud all day long and feeling like sudden doom will come upon me at any moment. Alcohol dulls it, but I'm not a very good alcoholic. It's too bad, really, because I had a great example that way. I've had the best show me his stuff. But I just can't swing it. Oh well. Let's hope the doc has a more constructive suggestion. I suspect step one is to switch off my birth control pill...AGAIN!!!! AAARRRGGGHHH!
****
I received my reappointment letter. It generally says nice stuff. For those of you who are going, "What the heck is a reappointment letter?", I can tell you that at Clemson, when you are hired in the lecturer capacity, you are hired each year. You're evaluated, and after the materials you provide and the evaluator sees your teaching style, he or she makes the recommendation that you either should get lost or you should stay on. The letter--well, letters since there are two of them--are both good. There was only one part that made me scream:
My evaluator wants me to take Practicum with the grad students. WHY??? I can tell you why...because I MADE THE MISTAKE of telling him that I never have taken any education classes or been given instruction on teaching since I had a fellowship at USC instead of a TA, and I never had teaching/education classes at Tech either. So, he thinks it might be of benefit to me. I'm in year four of my teaching career, and...now I take the Practicum? Well, it's not offered in the spring, just the fall. SO! They want me to take the Practicum...in my FIFTH year of teaching? ARRGGHH! I'm going to see if I can just take some of the interesting, vaguely helpful classes that are offered in one session here and there on specific topics. I would MUCH rather do that (and it would be of actual value to me since I could pick out useful topics).
But, other than that, the situation is good. I have my contract renewed. Generally positive things were said about my teaching style relaxing the students and encouraging good discussion. So, at least I have a job next year. Woohoo!
*****
And speaking of teaching...I had one new student this term come up to me because she wanted me to know she was taking the class specifically because her good friend, a student I had last term, insisted she would love me as an instructor. Apparently, her sense of humor and intense sarcasm is similar to mine. That cracked me up. I also had another guy come up to me after the first day and get very excited over my geek references during class. "I've NEVER had a teacher just admit that she liked this stuff before!" he bubbled, and that also made me laugh. I need moments like that to remind me that I'm appreciated for the quirkiness that I have as an instructor.
*****
I feel wierd without Alex around me now. He started up classes today. I will see him Friday, but it just....doesn't feel right that he's not here. I became used to his presence over Christmas break.
It should be a fun four or five months without him, and I mean that sarcastically. The financial burden to pay for both households just increased dramatically because his student loan money is no more. I have to find a way to stretch my income to his place in Columbia, and I really don't make a load to begin with. BUT!!!! I am not panicking over this one. I refuse. It's temporary. At a minimum, even if he doesn't get a job right away, the problem will be lessened when he moves back here and we don't have to pay extra living expenses that way. And family will help if I need them to do so. Yes, it totally sucks. I turn 37 at the end of the month, and mommy and daddy (and big brother) still have to keep an eye out for me just in case. Damnit. But I also know that it's a big, big blessing to have that option. So, I am grateful, too.
*****
I started a diet today. I give myself three days before I bolt, steal a box of Godivas, eat them all and then keep going. I have no willpower with food. None.
****
I received my reappointment letter. It generally says nice stuff. For those of you who are going, "What the heck is a reappointment letter?", I can tell you that at Clemson, when you are hired in the lecturer capacity, you are hired each year. You're evaluated, and after the materials you provide and the evaluator sees your teaching style, he or she makes the recommendation that you either should get lost or you should stay on. The letter--well, letters since there are two of them--are both good. There was only one part that made me scream:
My evaluator wants me to take Practicum with the grad students. WHY??? I can tell you why...because I MADE THE MISTAKE of telling him that I never have taken any education classes or been given instruction on teaching since I had a fellowship at USC instead of a TA, and I never had teaching/education classes at Tech either. So, he thinks it might be of benefit to me. I'm in year four of my teaching career, and...now I take the Practicum? Well, it's not offered in the spring, just the fall. SO! They want me to take the Practicum...in my FIFTH year of teaching? ARRGGHH! I'm going to see if I can just take some of the interesting, vaguely helpful classes that are offered in one session here and there on specific topics. I would MUCH rather do that (and it would be of actual value to me since I could pick out useful topics).
But, other than that, the situation is good. I have my contract renewed. Generally positive things were said about my teaching style relaxing the students and encouraging good discussion. So, at least I have a job next year. Woohoo!
*****
And speaking of teaching...I had one new student this term come up to me because she wanted me to know she was taking the class specifically because her good friend, a student I had last term, insisted she would love me as an instructor. Apparently, her sense of humor and intense sarcasm is similar to mine. That cracked me up. I also had another guy come up to me after the first day and get very excited over my geek references during class. "I've NEVER had a teacher just admit that she liked this stuff before!" he bubbled, and that also made me laugh. I need moments like that to remind me that I'm appreciated for the quirkiness that I have as an instructor.
*****
I feel wierd without Alex around me now. He started up classes today. I will see him Friday, but it just....doesn't feel right that he's not here. I became used to his presence over Christmas break.
It should be a fun four or five months without him, and I mean that sarcastically. The financial burden to pay for both households just increased dramatically because his student loan money is no more. I have to find a way to stretch my income to his place in Columbia, and I really don't make a load to begin with. BUT!!!! I am not panicking over this one. I refuse. It's temporary. At a minimum, even if he doesn't get a job right away, the problem will be lessened when he moves back here and we don't have to pay extra living expenses that way. And family will help if I need them to do so. Yes, it totally sucks. I turn 37 at the end of the month, and mommy and daddy (and big brother) still have to keep an eye out for me just in case. Damnit. But I also know that it's a big, big blessing to have that option. So, I am grateful, too.
*****
I started a diet today. I give myself three days before I bolt, steal a box of Godivas, eat them all and then keep going. I have no willpower with food. None.
posted by Kira | 6:55 PM
14 Comments:
As usual, I have all the solutions to your problems:
1) get off the pill. Use alternative methods of birth control, such as not having sex with Alex. I haven't had sex with Alex for a very long time, and I can report no negative side effects.
2) instead of torturing yourself with a diet, try getting some exercise.
3) eat more Japanese food.
4) if you're still unhappy, schedule another weekend at Club Grant. We still have two more sushi places to evaluate.
Come live with me. I'll give you some All-Clad or something. ;)
Don't give up on finding a diet you can stay on. It took me many years to find one, but I finally did.
I feel your pain vis a vis the teaching classes dealie-o. To get my education certificate, I was going to have to take BS classes like "History and Philosophy of Education" (aka Western Civ for those who weren't paying attention the first time around). Luckily, KS dropped that stupid requirement and I can unleash my brilliant-ness on students without having a certificate. ;)
I was doing bus duty today when some unknown kid handed me a paper full of hearts with a message that read, "I like you. You are the best techer". Yes. Techer. That cracked me up. I'll hand that in when it's time to do teacher evaluations. Take THAT! HA!!!
I also feel your pain about the diet gig. I am not on a diet (but Juanita is, so it's almost like I am). My solution to the weight dillema is to date fat men. Maybe Alex can gain a lot of weight. Just a suggestion.
Chocolate is your friend, Kira... Come now, you ought to know that. :P Suckage about the anxiety issues, though - have you considered looking into some of the various "hormonal balance" type supplements they have at health good stores? Not really sure if it'd help, but could be worth a glance at.
Anxiety cure for me: whenever I start hyperventilating or whatever, I take out my wallet and look at the pictures of DestructoGirl and TigerGrrl. I'm then instantly calmer and happier. Wine also helps.
Under no circumstances give up sex. I did, and look what has happened to me. It's just not pretty.
As for birth control, as your doc about newer IUDs. No hormones, and as long as you are monogamous, not a bad choice.
Ignore TCO's comments regarding sex with Alex. Has he managed to have sex yet with Chian's "new mommy"? I didn't think so.
I came from Ponderings, my heart hurts for you. May the pain be eased soon.
Now.
love and prayers to all of you
Sex is good for you, do the best you can without it.
Lose the pill while the mate is gone. IUD worked for me for a long time. Work with the doc on what is right for you.
Panic - deep, slow breaths and repeat "I'm ok" in your head until it passes. IF it continues try curling up in a ball on the floor of the closet with the door shut.
(yes the last part was a joke.)
The two classes I mentioned yesterday that you might ask Michelle to take instead of the practicum are 685 and 885. Both are very good courses, and if Art Young is teaching the 685, I highly recommend it. I don't know who teaches 885 now.
I totally understand the anxiety thing. The pill just didn't sit well with me, even without considering the fact that I got pregnant WHILE taking it. All the things I've been doing lately to relieve stress seem to be working, so I suggest using aromatherapy, yoga, and massages. (Hot stone, when possible. Nothing relaxes you like getting stoned.)
I hate the pill, hate it! I chose the hysterectomy route and I recommend it highly. But it might not suit you. Anyway, sorry to hear about the diet. I bet you don't really need to go on one anyway. And really sorry to hear about the teaching continuing ed B.S. That's so bogus. But overall things are good, don't forget! You have Le Alex, what more could you want? Besides chocolate. And wine... but you know what I mean.
You really don't need to bother with the practicum; you understand teaching better than most of the idiots who've been teaching forever.
I brought two cure-alls back from DC: a box of gourmet chocolates (better than Godiva, I swear!) AND several bottles of Nobilo. Those won't replace sex - though the chocolates came in a very close second - but if all else fails, we'll find you something to lick!!
(Remember the key is distraction! LOL!)
Do they pay you for practicums down there?
Sometimes, academics can be very bourgeois, and the little bit of stuff they cover in teaching practicums amounts to sociological anal-retentiveness. If you have a moment, you can take the damn thing and get it overwith. Your evaluator might see that as evidence that you should be reappointed.
Diet is a four-letter word, but if you want to get rid of all your chocolate, I'll send you my address.
:-)
I'll cross my fingers for you hoping you have a good trip to the gyn.
And fuck dieting!! Bread and chocolate for everyone!!!
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