Shocking!

So Jared wakes up. He tells me sleepily--after he returns from the bathroom--that his testicles are shocking him. Boy, that's gotta suck.

He lifts up his nightshirt. Yes, my son prefers to sleep in a nightshirt than in boxers or something really "manly." And?

"LOOK!" he tells me, then he touches his nuts and gets an amazed look on his face. "Whenever I touch them, they shock me!"

Having never owned balls, I truly have no idea what he's talking about. He wants me to 'come see' them, and so I inspect his scrotum, looking for signs of...I don't know...a jellyfish clinging to his nuts? A drowsy wasp? A teeny tiny hairdryer that is on and also a droplet of urine creating conductivity for a shock? Uhhh... Really, my Knut Knowledge is limited to what makes a guy moan. An older guy. Who is not related to me. And is in my bed for sexual purposes.

You know, it's so much easier with a girl. Ariana never asks me questions about Vagina Lore that I can't answer. We've talked all about periods, pubic hair, childbirth--the whole gamut! She's got a funny outlook on some of the issues. For instance, apparently pads are band aids for your bleeding vagina. HAHA! *snort* But, we've got the same equipment. When Jared starts talking to me about how if he touches his nuts they shock him, what do I do? I can't very well say, then don't touch them. He's MALE. He HAS to touch his testicles. If he doesn't, he will perish. At least, that's been my experience with all males I know. They have to restablish contact with their crotch periodically to make sure it's all still there.

It's not the first time I had problems with the male/female issue. When I potty trained my son, he kept sitting down to pee. Ok, well, to start, first of all he was very bummed when he found out that Potty Training involved NOT A SINGLE DAMN TRAIN. We still made train noises when he was in the bathroom though, and that became our little joke. But, see, at that time his dad was really out of it, so there was no male showing him how to stand up, whip it out, and shake. He wanted to sit down like mommy. I kept thinking, my god, can I get a male friend to stay with me for a while and pee around him? Haha! I had to teach him how to shake it afterwards, which made me feel odd because shouldn't a guy teach him that? He eventually picked up on standing up to pee.

And then there was the shaving. A friend of mine gave my son a shaving kit, a play one. It had a can of foamy soap, a plastic razor, a mirror, and a brush (shaving brush). My son promptly sat in the tub and shaved his...LEGS. Oopsie. I then told Alex and my dad: let my son watch you shave!!!! Please!!!! That helped. He now realizes that unless he wants to be a professional swimmer or biker, shaving his legs is not necessary.

Back to the tingly nuts: well, apparently it went away all on its own. He walked up to me a moment ago, lifted up his nightshirt, grabbed his crotch and said astonishedly, "MOMMY! They don't SHOCK me anymore!" And then he ran off.

Gah, what's a woman to do?