What the Hell, I'm Still Awake
Bah. Still no sign of tiredness.
Anyway, what I was pondering now was the "it's all relative" syndrome of dating. I think that it's human nature to try and compare like objects to see similarities and differences. Therefore, a man or woman will often think of their new significant other in light of previous significant lovers: "Jeff loves to do gardening with me, which I love, and Frank never did that" ; or, "Mary understood I needed private time in order to recharge, but Judy smothers me," etc.
Sometimes, it's not fair to compare a previous love with a current one. Shouldn't each individual stand on his or her own? And it gets uncomfortable when the emotional baggage created from the previous relationship carries on unfairly to the next. That is, maybe two people have the same actions, but their reasons for doing so are very different. Yet, you judge them on what you already know from a previous person.
Other times, comparison enables you to see a pattern that you know you either need to break or want to run from.
I think one of the most frustrating things a friend can witness is another friend coming out of a fairly abusive or awful relationship. It's bad just all on its own, but then the fallout is frequently bad too. The individual then approaches his or her next relationship with, "well, at least he doesn't beat the tar out of me, so I think I can cope that he calls me a whore!" or, "sure, he calls me thirteen times a day and makes me check in constantly, but at least he doesn't ignore me completely like Z did!" Sigh. I can think of a couple of my friends right now who are suffering through a relationship or marriage simply because in comparison to what else they've known, it's not so bad. Yet I worry for them constantly because I KNOW it's pretty damn bad.
Hell, I even did this myself to some degree. The worst boyfriend of my life, Jim, came right when I was 20. See, basically, the ex and I had dated for four years and I realized we were spinning wheels. So, I told him we needed to break up. We still ended up seeing each other that year, but I also ended up seeing about five other people...haha! One of those guys was a fellow named Jim. Jim was ten years my senior, and he seemed very friendly and fun. He turned out to be a Gigantic Hopping Penis. Ug. Not even sure I want to go into all of this, but...let's just say he did the full range of asshole behavior, including forcing himself upon me sexually when I clearly said no, playing mindgames, calling me foul names, obsessively watching every second of my day and calling me at 2a, 3a, and 4a in a row "just to make sure" I was still at home since I wasn't with him, etc. Yeah, that's enough so you get the idea *shivers, then tries to forget* In retrospect, I realize that I put up with more than I'd want to put up with in the future simply because...I was so grateful that whomever was not Jim. Jim became my benchmark. If things got "as bad as Jim," then I knew with certainty it was time to go. If things weren't as bad as Jim, well then, maybe I just need to try harder!!! Hence, I think I had things go out with my ex a bit longer than I should have.
There is somebody here who regularly reads my blog whom I really DO feel did the same thing. She knows who she is ;) In comparison to husband #1, #2 wasn't "that" bad, so she put up with a bit more shit than most folks would ever expect a woman to put up with. I read back on her blog to see her basically make posts on a similar topic: yes, #2 does this and this and it's awful, but really, he's not so bad because he's not doing this and this TOO, which is what #1 did.
I think it's human nature to just do the similarities and differences comparison with our previous loves and current love. I don't think we can help it. But the lesson I learned from comparing my horrible awful vicious situation with Jim to my ex is...
...I deserve the best, regardless. And so do you. Crap is crap. It doesn't matter if there is just a handful of crap on the bottom of both your shoes, it still stinks to high heaven. Yeah, in your past you can think of a man or a woman who walked all over you, and you KNOW you won't go THAT low again, but why should you put up with satan's son just because he's not satan himself? Do you see my point?
Ok, that's enough deep thoughts for 6a...haha!
Anyway, what I was pondering now was the "it's all relative" syndrome of dating. I think that it's human nature to try and compare like objects to see similarities and differences. Therefore, a man or woman will often think of their new significant other in light of previous significant lovers: "Jeff loves to do gardening with me, which I love, and Frank never did that" ; or, "Mary understood I needed private time in order to recharge, but Judy smothers me," etc.
Sometimes, it's not fair to compare a previous love with a current one. Shouldn't each individual stand on his or her own? And it gets uncomfortable when the emotional baggage created from the previous relationship carries on unfairly to the next. That is, maybe two people have the same actions, but their reasons for doing so are very different. Yet, you judge them on what you already know from a previous person.
Other times, comparison enables you to see a pattern that you know you either need to break or want to run from.
I think one of the most frustrating things a friend can witness is another friend coming out of a fairly abusive or awful relationship. It's bad just all on its own, but then the fallout is frequently bad too. The individual then approaches his or her next relationship with, "well, at least he doesn't beat the tar out of me, so I think I can cope that he calls me a whore!" or, "sure, he calls me thirteen times a day and makes me check in constantly, but at least he doesn't ignore me completely like Z did!" Sigh. I can think of a couple of my friends right now who are suffering through a relationship or marriage simply because in comparison to what else they've known, it's not so bad. Yet I worry for them constantly because I KNOW it's pretty damn bad.
Hell, I even did this myself to some degree. The worst boyfriend of my life, Jim, came right when I was 20. See, basically, the ex and I had dated for four years and I realized we were spinning wheels. So, I told him we needed to break up. We still ended up seeing each other that year, but I also ended up seeing about five other people...haha! One of those guys was a fellow named Jim. Jim was ten years my senior, and he seemed very friendly and fun. He turned out to be a Gigantic Hopping Penis. Ug. Not even sure I want to go into all of this, but...let's just say he did the full range of asshole behavior, including forcing himself upon me sexually when I clearly said no, playing mindgames, calling me foul names, obsessively watching every second of my day and calling me at 2a, 3a, and 4a in a row "just to make sure" I was still at home since I wasn't with him, etc. Yeah, that's enough so you get the idea *shivers, then tries to forget* In retrospect, I realize that I put up with more than I'd want to put up with in the future simply because...I was so grateful that whomever was not Jim. Jim became my benchmark. If things got "as bad as Jim," then I knew with certainty it was time to go. If things weren't as bad as Jim, well then, maybe I just need to try harder!!! Hence, I think I had things go out with my ex a bit longer than I should have.
There is somebody here who regularly reads my blog whom I really DO feel did the same thing. She knows who she is ;) In comparison to husband #1, #2 wasn't "that" bad, so she put up with a bit more shit than most folks would ever expect a woman to put up with. I read back on her blog to see her basically make posts on a similar topic: yes, #2 does this and this and it's awful, but really, he's not so bad because he's not doing this and this TOO, which is what #1 did.
I think it's human nature to just do the similarities and differences comparison with our previous loves and current love. I don't think we can help it. But the lesson I learned from comparing my horrible awful vicious situation with Jim to my ex is...
...I deserve the best, regardless. And so do you. Crap is crap. It doesn't matter if there is just a handful of crap on the bottom of both your shoes, it still stinks to high heaven. Yeah, in your past you can think of a man or a woman who walked all over you, and you KNOW you won't go THAT low again, but why should you put up with satan's son just because he's not satan himself? Do you see my point?
Ok, that's enough deep thoughts for 6a...haha!
posted by Kira | 2:59 AM
3 Comments:
It's ME, isn't it? Ha ha ha! Actually, it can't be me b/c I've kicked #2 to the curb as well. I actually did like it that my #2 was very independent (#1 was extremely controlling)...but then independent turned into neglectful.
When I broke up with #1, I thought every man was beating his wife. Now that #2 has hit the bricks, I'm very cautious about men who drink or use any other substance. I say that like I've been dating! HA!
Dr. Phil sez not to move away from something you DON'T like, but to move towards something you DO. That may help to redirect the comparing mind.
"but why should you put up with satan's son just because he's not satan himself?" - absolutely... sigh. For people who are supposed to be so intuitive and all that rot, we women can rationalize anything...
Laura--yes, actually, you aren't paranoid, it IS you ! haha! You had directed me to the Dec. post wherein you discussed your 1st husband, and much to my surprise, you were still with #2 at that point. I started reading your blog a few months after the split. I ended up reading most of Dec., Jan, and Feb in order to reach your breaking point (hey, curiosity is a driving force with me!). Yes, you eventually did the best thing and went onwards, but you yourself even make hints that the main reason that you stayed as long as you did in that situation...was that in comparison to #1, #2 wasn't that bad!
Yeah, that's a good way to put it. My therapist elaborated on this point. She says that we must not try and find the total opposite of the sig other we moved away from because there were REASONS we were attracted to the first person from the beginning. She states that the person who is the total opposite of the other is often what we perceive to be the rebound relationship, and it results from moving away from something you don't like.
April--no need to put your head down. Then you won't be able to see that you're in the company of thousands of other women raising their hands right now too...haha!
Angie--I think women in particular are taught to empathize and be compassionate, and so it also makes it easier to justify other people's behavior...esp. when we feel we love him. Sucks!
Post a Comment
<< Home