Another Monday
Well, it's the start of another week, and once again all I can think is, "How long 'til Friday?" Fridays are my benchmark to reach. On Fridays, I get to see Alex. Then life is good until I leave on Sunday.
News of the century: it appears the ex has indeed managed to get his law license back. Now I just need to find out when he starts up work again...and I'm DYING to find out if they are making him stay dry on alcohol as well as drugs for two years like they typically do in such cases! I'm almost scared what would happen if he went completely sober. He's already managed some emotional growth of note when he stopped the drugs. He's reduced the drinking to very little when the kids are around, but he still gets drunk over half the time because when he's alone, that's what he's been doing. Just this last week he has started some behavior that has surprised me, too. Well, in that he is acting towards me like he used to before all the problems started in 2000. One problem: we're not married now, and I have no idea what to do when he starts calling me flattering names and being affectionate towards me. I don't want to hurt him. I really, really don't. Sure, I hurt a heck of a lot during the breakup, but once the pot was taken away from him he was able to feel pain too. There's enough OUCH going on here without more added. I don't get it! WHY is he so nice now? WHY is he being this way? He could have had me at any time before Jan. of 2002 when I cracked for the final time. Why wait until after a divorce and years later to behave "right?" It's the great question that shall remain unanswered. I know I shouldn't feel guilty that he still seems to love me. I mean, I can't control his emotions. But for some reason, I DO feel guilty. Why? Is it that guilt is just so easy for me to feel? He needs to meet a nice woman who will be good to my kids. Now that he'll be employed, I'm sure he can find somebody. Then, after he falls in love again, life would be good...right?
Oh well.
It's cold, so I had cheese grits this am. I never wanted to try grits. They were forced on me a decade ago by my former boss when I had moved to SC, and I decided I liked 'em. But, I only like them if a) they have cheese or LOTS of butter in them and b) they are WARM. Cold grits = nasty.
When I was at the kids' museum the other weekend with Alex and children, there was a weight and height mechanism. Yay, I'm 5'2", which is just how high I knew I was. Then I stared at the weight. See, I'm obsessive/compulsive, so I don't own a scale. When I owned one, I weighed myself about 23 times a day (and no, I'm not exaggerating). What do I weigh after I pee? What do I weigh after dinner? After I wake up? After I wake up and THEN pee? How about after exercise? Before bed? In the middle of the night? Oh man, it was awful. So I got rid of the scale. Nasty piece of shit.
Well, that means that the last time I weighed myself was when I weighed something decent, honestly. I knew I was popping out of my pants, but wow, 17 lbs heavier than I should be? I couldn't have guessed that. I think that since my weight gain tends to go to T&A, it just doesn't LOOK like 17 lbs more, you know? There's only one way around it: diet and/or exercise. You know what? I am not ready to do that with motivation yet. I know that I'm not. I can feel the shrug of oh well when I think of restricting my food intake at all. I haven't reached that point yet...you know the one...when you say, I'm NOT happy with myself and so I AM going to change! Period! Yup. Not there. Instead, I'm at the point of, "Somebody wave a magic wand. I don't want this here." Nobody's offered yet. Aw, shit.
Still, on some level it is bothering me. I wonder what will happen next? It's hard to take weight loss seriously when your boyfriend tells you 30 times a day that your body is perfect and sexy. It'd definitely only be for ME if I tried to lose weight. But...self control? What's that? I think I know what will happen: mom will remark to me how fat I am repeatedly when I see her next, and that will guilt me into trying to lose weight. I don't think I'll see them until New Year's, so that's how long I have left to be here, I guess.
On a side note, Alex studies regularly and doesn't procrastinate. He actually does his work methodically and is very studious. What's that like? I admire him so much for being that way, but wow, I was never that dedicated as a student (he has to take the GMATs tomorrow for USC's business school, so he's been steadily plugging away at books and computer programs with problems from the GMAT on them).
News of the century: it appears the ex has indeed managed to get his law license back. Now I just need to find out when he starts up work again...and I'm DYING to find out if they are making him stay dry on alcohol as well as drugs for two years like they typically do in such cases! I'm almost scared what would happen if he went completely sober. He's already managed some emotional growth of note when he stopped the drugs. He's reduced the drinking to very little when the kids are around, but he still gets drunk over half the time because when he's alone, that's what he's been doing. Just this last week he has started some behavior that has surprised me, too. Well, in that he is acting towards me like he used to before all the problems started in 2000. One problem: we're not married now, and I have no idea what to do when he starts calling me flattering names and being affectionate towards me. I don't want to hurt him. I really, really don't. Sure, I hurt a heck of a lot during the breakup, but once the pot was taken away from him he was able to feel pain too. There's enough OUCH going on here without more added. I don't get it! WHY is he so nice now? WHY is he being this way? He could have had me at any time before Jan. of 2002 when I cracked for the final time. Why wait until after a divorce and years later to behave "right?" It's the great question that shall remain unanswered. I know I shouldn't feel guilty that he still seems to love me. I mean, I can't control his emotions. But for some reason, I DO feel guilty. Why? Is it that guilt is just so easy for me to feel? He needs to meet a nice woman who will be good to my kids. Now that he'll be employed, I'm sure he can find somebody. Then, after he falls in love again, life would be good...right?
Oh well.
It's cold, so I had cheese grits this am. I never wanted to try grits. They were forced on me a decade ago by my former boss when I had moved to SC, and I decided I liked 'em. But, I only like them if a) they have cheese or LOTS of butter in them and b) they are WARM. Cold grits = nasty.
When I was at the kids' museum the other weekend with Alex and children, there was a weight and height mechanism. Yay, I'm 5'2", which is just how high I knew I was. Then I stared at the weight. See, I'm obsessive/compulsive, so I don't own a scale. When I owned one, I weighed myself about 23 times a day (and no, I'm not exaggerating). What do I weigh after I pee? What do I weigh after dinner? After I wake up? After I wake up and THEN pee? How about after exercise? Before bed? In the middle of the night? Oh man, it was awful. So I got rid of the scale. Nasty piece of shit.
Well, that means that the last time I weighed myself was when I weighed something decent, honestly. I knew I was popping out of my pants, but wow, 17 lbs heavier than I should be? I couldn't have guessed that. I think that since my weight gain tends to go to T&A, it just doesn't LOOK like 17 lbs more, you know? There's only one way around it: diet and/or exercise. You know what? I am not ready to do that with motivation yet. I know that I'm not. I can feel the shrug of oh well when I think of restricting my food intake at all. I haven't reached that point yet...you know the one...when you say, I'm NOT happy with myself and so I AM going to change! Period! Yup. Not there. Instead, I'm at the point of, "Somebody wave a magic wand. I don't want this here." Nobody's offered yet. Aw, shit.
Still, on some level it is bothering me. I wonder what will happen next? It's hard to take weight loss seriously when your boyfriend tells you 30 times a day that your body is perfect and sexy. It'd definitely only be for ME if I tried to lose weight. But...self control? What's that? I think I know what will happen: mom will remark to me how fat I am repeatedly when I see her next, and that will guilt me into trying to lose weight. I don't think I'll see them until New Year's, so that's how long I have left to be here, I guess.
On a side note, Alex studies regularly and doesn't procrastinate. He actually does his work methodically and is very studious. What's that like? I admire him so much for being that way, but wow, I was never that dedicated as a student (he has to take the GMATs tomorrow for USC's business school, so he's been steadily plugging away at books and computer programs with problems from the GMAT on them).
posted by Kira | 4:41 AM
15 Comments:
I feel like a tub of lard.
However, Hof told me three bajillion times that I "had a gorgeous artist's body" this weekend.
I still ate salad for lunch and feel guilty about the two pieces of Halloween candy.
I NEVER owned a scale. The exact same thing happens to me when I have one handy.
How many curves are too many?
If you love yourself, so be it.
I feel uncomfortable with too many curves, but that's just me. And it's taken a few months with these extra curves for me to really decide to kick it into gear. I do miss the metabolism of my early 20's!
As for the ex, he's nice now because he finally realizes the dynamo of a woman that he had. But sometimes, and this is a primo example, it's just too late of a realization. Don't feel guilty, you don't have any control over his feelings. But I would have to let him know that some of his comments make you uncomfortable being that you're happily involved. Otherwise, he may think he still has a chance. Guys seem to grasp any straw of hope...
BTW, stupid question from a midwesterner,,, what are grits anyway?
Oh Dear God...I'm SO GLAD I don't know what I weigh!!!! I've had several bad weight experiences back when I cared about how much I weighed. And you're right, you HAVE to be motivated to want to lose weight. I just can't do the 'being hungry a lot' thing that is a diet.
I hear you about the ex. When you've suppressed all feeling for so long with booze and alcohol, you can't help but grow when those factors are removed. It's like a plant that's been kept in the closet...put it in the sun and it will wake up and grow no matter how hard it wants to stay a pale shrub.
I have heard that people who get sober have to go through all of the emotions that they were supposed to have had while they were drinking/using. Example, if a relative has died and you didn't mourn b/c you were too drunk/high to feel, then after you get sober you'll mourn that loss. It almost makes you feel bad for the ex, doesn't it???
You know, after I got married, I knew I was putting on weight, but Gav, being the type of guy he is, kept telling me I looked gorgeous. I managed to stack on 11kg and he still told me I looked beautiful! Fair enough, I didn't show it *too* badly, but at least my mother was brutally honest with me. lol
Anyway, I've lost 6kg in the last two months and Gav now says "you look so great! You look even better now!"
I mean, what's a girl supposed to think? He thought I was beautiful when I put on weight, but he thinks I'm more attractive now that I've lost a bit of it?!
I guess it's up to us to read between the lines - or ask our mothers - for an honest opinion. lol
And yes, I too am obsessive with the scales. I hid them at the top of the wardrobe underneath the suitcases.
Yes, Kira, please do put some more weight on your breasts and ass. They're not big enough. There's barely enough meat on your ass to grab. ;)
YAAAY, Jezzy is still around! Hi Mrs. Jezzy, we miss you!! Well I do anyhow and I'm sure the rest of us do. Hope all is well with you!
Ok Kira, grits suck regardless of temperature or additives. Just my opinion.
T & A is where the "junk" should be, right? Either way, you're beautiful and as long as you're happy with yourself, like you said, then just listen to Alex. HOWEVER, if someone does offer to use a magic wand to get rid of undesirable fat, please send them up this way because I've got a thigh or two that could use some fat loss.
Isn't your guilt mostly generated from feeling bad for the other person? If that's the case, then yes guilt is just easy for you to feel. That's just one of the things that goes along with being an unselfish, giving and caring person. (all said from the heart and not as your official feeder) Just remember all the shitty things he did and you shouldn't feel as guilty! Right? =)
Ummm, that would be official EGO feeder. Damn, I should really start proof reading my comments before I post them.
OMG - we must have been twins separated at birth! I SO relate to the guilt thing. I'm a MASTER at guilt. And the scale...oh yeah! I laughed out loud at your, "What do I weigh after I pee?" I used to weigh myself first thing in the morning, naked and having not eaten for 10 hours. Oh...and always AFTER peeing, naturally!!
The ex...no answers there. Mine is still not nice. He can be tolerable and we can be friendly, but he never stops reminding me how great it is not to be living with him. He's jealous now...but not because he wants me, just because he doesn't want me to have found someone great first. He envies my happiness. Should I feel guilty? HA! Not this time, baby!
April, I join you in the proof reading pact...I re-read my comment and recognized that embarrassing redundancy ("booze AND alcohol"...yeah ME).
FAT IS FREEDOM!!!! Seriously, it is! I'm not talking about health threatening obesity...but a few extra pounds...who cares!?!?! If you can truely come to grips with the fact that you don't have a model's body (and I'm speaking for no one but myself. I'm sure the rest of you can compete with Gizelle Bundchen any day of the week), then you can start to LIVE a LITTLE!
I love that Dove soap campaign, "Imagine if every woman loved every inch of her body". Damn...what a RADICAL thought!!! Can you really imagine LOVING your body??? ALL of it??? I'm not preaching. It's a stretch for me too, especially since I'm starting to see saggy neck skin and wrinkles. But wouldn't it be GREAT, in theory, to LOVE your body???
A*--I feel like a tub of lard too, but not a tub of lard large enough to do something about it! I just hate that I'll have to buy more clothes if I get much larger. Well, that and I hate how particular body parts rub together when they shouldn't be able to do so! haha!
MR--the ex has been told there is no way. He clings to hope anyway, and I'm not sure why! Sigh. And do I love myself the way I am? Well, to a certain extent. I feel sexy enough. I just can't afford to buy more clothes! haha!
Now, as for grits...well, think of it as Southern polenta. It's a corn meal type dish that has the consistency of oatmeal. Since it looks like baby food, many people outside the South refuse to try it. I was once one of those people. I found out, however, that it's actually pretty good (but then again, I like corn).
Laura--yeah, well, I think he's sobering up and he's mourning a loss! But my heart has moved on, and even if he were to fully go back to where he was years ago AND Alex were to dump me, I wouldn't want him. I now have different expectations out of a relationship. And yes, I'm all for accepting your body and not falling for the American anorexic ideal. However, I am also all for not having to spend more money or wear Alex's sweatclothes. I guess I just still can't care enough to motivate myself. I like food. Food is good. Yum!
Jezzy--my mom is painfully honest too. Although the real problem is that she is a borderline anorexic, so even when I'm skinnier, I'm too fat! Oh well.
Joe--so THAT is why you didn't grab my ass! You couldn't FIND it! Poor Joe :)
April--you are the best ego feeder a girl can have! Good idea. I will remember the shit I went through and the guilt will fade. I'll try that one!
WW--I will try to learn from you. "NOT THIS TIME BABY!" That's what I should say.
I should form an obsessive compulsive scale club :) Looks like we'd have lots of members!
Sexy is what you feel inside, not what you look like on the outside. If you've got moxie and style that goes furher that curves. Of course, curves dont hurt either...
You should have posted your answers to the comments right off the bat, then nobody would have worried about you. I don't know how this works, but, maybe, somehow...
I think it's natural to feel some pangs of guilt for someone you shared so much with in the past. But you seem to have a good view of hte situation, so I'll refrain from posting any advice, except this:
Get those extra 17 lbs. of boob and ass to a certified ladies man and have at it.
Cheers.
Dear Mistress Kira:
I think I did something bad today. Someone asked me if they could use my house for a nude photo shoot; barring that, would I like to help at the shoot elsewhere? I said no. Am I normal? Is there something wrong with me? Is anyone ever going to like me? Had these women really disrobed in front of me, maybe I could have grabbed their asses!
Yours very truly,
A Clueless Reader
Greg--oh yeah I have curves...LOL Add 17 lbs onto the picture in the chain mail, all of it going to boobs and ass. Yeah!
Hoss--you must think I have way more skill and magic powers than I possess! haha!
CL--I think Alex qualifies, and he seems to like the extra cushion! Oh well. HEY! At least I'm balanced! And yes, the ex and I have more history than you can believe. We started dating when I was 16; I broke up with him for a year when I was 20. Then we were married when I turned 23. It's a long, looong history we share.
Joe--TEASE! You wouldn't grab their asses. You are...the anti-ass grabber! You shudder when you see a nice ass and RUN from it! Especially if it is mine! *sobs* :)
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