Santa's Letter
Angie and Amanda are writing letters to Santa. I guess if we write them now, we have a better shot of him coming through? Anyway, since it's time to write the letters, here's mine!
Dear Santa,
I've got the good stuff covered already (great kids, great man in my life, food, place to stay). I don't know HOW I managed that stuff when clearly I deserved coal in my stocking last year, but I guess you like dem bitches! Yay for me!
1) I would like one of those wonderful culinary trips to someplace fun like Italy wherein you spend a week in a beautiful villa, are taught how to make all sorts of native foods, eat said native foods, tour the area for a few hours a day, and drink lots of wine. Please make the trip for two so I can have sex while there as well.
2) If I request this one way ahead of time, maybe you can help out, so here it goes! Alex finishes up his internship over the summer. Then he has one more year of business school left, and he'll graduate in May of 2007. At that point, could you make sure he gets some high-paying job here in the upstate so that he won't ever have to move away from me again so long as we both live?
3) Since the cat can't write, I'd like to state that what he wants for Christmas is his own Christmas Turkey. He wants it cooked as he's a lazy indoor cat now.
4) I would like a maid for my Ex's house and for Laura's ex-husband's house. She should come over once a week to remove beer bottles and scour.
5) You know what would be FUN? How about a really expensive bottle of wine I'd never be able to afford that I'd enjoy! I like the shiraz/sirah grape and the merlot grape best. Maybe a nice Rhone wine that's usually out of my price range?
6) A knife sharpener...not one like Joe has because I'll never manage all that. I'm just talking like a nice, high quality electric sharpener that even an ignorant fool like me could use for her kitchen knives.
7) An All-Clad roasting pan. Please? I can cut you the same deal I cut Joe with the All-Clad...
8) A new vacuum cleaner. This old one frustrates Alex.
9) LOTS OF CHEESE!
10) World Peace and My Own House
Thanks a hell of a lot, Santa! You rock!
Your favorite succubus,
Kira
Dear Santa,
I've got the good stuff covered already (great kids, great man in my life, food, place to stay). I don't know HOW I managed that stuff when clearly I deserved coal in my stocking last year, but I guess you like dem bitches! Yay for me!
1) I would like one of those wonderful culinary trips to someplace fun like Italy wherein you spend a week in a beautiful villa, are taught how to make all sorts of native foods, eat said native foods, tour the area for a few hours a day, and drink lots of wine. Please make the trip for two so I can have sex while there as well.
2) If I request this one way ahead of time, maybe you can help out, so here it goes! Alex finishes up his internship over the summer. Then he has one more year of business school left, and he'll graduate in May of 2007. At that point, could you make sure he gets some high-paying job here in the upstate so that he won't ever have to move away from me again so long as we both live?
3) Since the cat can't write, I'd like to state that what he wants for Christmas is his own Christmas Turkey. He wants it cooked as he's a lazy indoor cat now.
4) I would like a maid for my Ex's house and for Laura's ex-husband's house. She should come over once a week to remove beer bottles and scour.
5) You know what would be FUN? How about a really expensive bottle of wine I'd never be able to afford that I'd enjoy! I like the shiraz/sirah grape and the merlot grape best. Maybe a nice Rhone wine that's usually out of my price range?
6) A knife sharpener...not one like Joe has because I'll never manage all that. I'm just talking like a nice, high quality electric sharpener that even an ignorant fool like me could use for her kitchen knives.
7) An All-Clad roasting pan. Please? I can cut you the same deal I cut Joe with the All-Clad...
8) A new vacuum cleaner. This old one frustrates Alex.
9) LOTS OF CHEESE!
10) World Peace and My Own House
Thanks a hell of a lot, Santa! You rock!
Your favorite succubus,
Kira
posted by Kira | 3:07 AM
16 Comments:
You’re not mildly dyslexic, are you? Because I applied for a job as a department store Satan and the interview didn’t go too well. I just wondered since you’re trying to bargain for worldly goods from some guy in all red with a surname that sounds like “Claws.”
Oh no! I forgot to ask Santa for my clone of Alex. Though that may be a given by now, don't cha think??
Now, about that All-Clad....
Good girl like you should get Santa's whole bag of tricks. Might be stuff in there you didn't even know you needed.
Nice list, girl. My cats would like their own Xmas turkey as well, but unless Santa brings it, it ain't happening. And if they jump on the counter and nibble on our turkey, they will be banished (for a few hours, at least).
now u see, there was a job i was born to play, a department store santa!
can u manage a female alex?
Oh Jesus, here we go with the All-Clad again. I didn't even have to bring it up. And Santa's married. For shame. :)
Kira, wrap some of your dull knives in newspaper, pack that, and send them to me. I'll sharpen them and send them back. Keep the rest until I get the first batch back to you.
Friend of mine played Santa once in the town where I used to live. I showed up unexpectedly, and he blew off the job that night. I was glad he hung out, but I felt sorry for the kids. "Moaaam, where's Santaaaaaa!" "Oh, he's out getting drunk with some loser named Joe, but don't worry: Santa's really a fake anyway."
BTW, this is $21 +s&h. And this is $43 +s&h. Neither is electric, though. The second is better, but takes longer. And don't forget: check Eat at Joe's and his Knife Sharpening FAQ for all your culinary and knife sharpening questions. :)
Great idea for your own Christmas list. I think I'll mostly be asking that Sam takes a few hints from Alex!! Thanks for making some of us girls painfully jealous!
Actually, this second comment is for Angie... No more blog? :(
I'm just looking for less debt. Don't think Santa does that, do you?
SC--It's the sex for all-clad program, SC! Glad you asked! haha! And well, I usually object to concentrating on more than one holiday at a time, but since Amanda had put up her list and so did Angie, I thought...why not?
Grant--can't do that. I don't have a soul. Oh well. So no, I meant Santa, not Satan ;)
Amanda--yes, you had your order in for the Alex clone a long time ago, so that has to count even though it wasn't on your list, right? Or will Santa go HAH! and not let you have it since he's not on the list then? Hmmm...
Hoss--yes, sometimes I get things I never knew I needed anyway! haha!
EM--I lock the garbage in the laundry area because otherwise, Poultry Boy would rip into anything to get the bones. He is a fat, lazy, old cat who never moves for any reason...except chicken or turkey!
CM--hmmm might be too hard to use an alex for a model for a female, so I'll just keep hunting amongst my female students, ok? :)
Joe--Some tales have mrs. claus missing, so maybe he's not anymore! Thanks for the knife offer. I'm debating if I can just find a way to hand 'em to you since I'll be through the area over Thanksgiving (in Raleigh at bro's house)...
Angie--arg, sorry for your troubles! that's the last thing you need...and YAY on the spoon! That was the more important one to find. I already had to throw out one of the four cups, so losing a second was no big deal (now I'll have two and two that match...no biggie). But the spoon would have been very mismatched to replace! Hold onto that sucker for me and I'll fetch it later :)
MR--I'm thinking of hiring Alex out as a personal tutor for men since he has this relationship thing down pat so well, you know?
Greg of the Jungle--Hmmm I'm not sure Santa does Credit Card payoff as a wish. Doesn't hurt to ask though, right?
No more Mrs. Claus? I just saw them together in a Christmas parade last week! Wow, how fast things change.... ;)
A double wedding - you and me, baby. (OH, and the guys, naturally!)
Sent you the photos. I hate waking up alone again. The weekends are great but they make the week so much more difficult to take.
Hey, I saw Santa again today. He was buying one of those rings for Mrs. Claus -- the diamond ones that are supposed to say "We've been married for 4000 years, and I still love you."
On the good side, Kira, he gave me a message for you: Santa's Message for Kira
Oh, and while you're at it, think really hard about the sentences "A new vacuum cleaner. This old one frustrates Alex" and see what your dirty mind can come up with. Mine had me ROFL. ;)
Mandy--sounds great! Let's do it! I agree, the weekends rock but the week is so much more difficult to take when alone.
Joe--you dirty pervert. You are NOT dirty enough to GRAB MY ASS, but you ARE dirty enough to visualize Alex getting sucked off by a vacuum cleaner! LOL
And Santa's gonna get the best ride of his life if I can get the all clad roaster out of it :)
You don't have my dirty thoughts quite right yet, but you're getting there. And yes, Kira, I'm sure the ride you give Santa will sleigh him. [ducks]
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