Student Z, Part Two
I don't know if you remember Student Z. Student Z is the girl I mentioned who had been raped by another boy at Premiere, and she came to little ol' 5'2" me to protect her and walk her from class to class instead of her other friends and acquaintences. She felt that if the attacker got anywhere near her when I was there, I'd surely be the one she most relied on to take care of him. I still think that was one of her smarter moves :) Beware the wrath of a redhead! We DID make sure to inform security (plus give them a copy of the restraining order on the fellow) and other authority folks on campus, but until the criminal charges settle down one way or the other, the ass is still allowed to take classes on campus. He just can't take classes at the same location and time Z is due to the restraining order.
Throughout the term, she just shows up outside of this one classroom when her other class lets out because she is particularly shaky about being around nobody in the afternoon except maybe her attacker. My English Lit I class knows Z by name and face now, and she's learned a lot about early English literature now as a result...haha!
Well, throughout her crappy experiences, she's been with her boyfriend, N. N at first reacted to Z's rape by telling her that she wanted it and she was a whore. Then when he calmed down, he was supportive for a while. She had taken the morning after pill, and the doctors apparently told her to double up on birth control afterwards because when using this pill, it often created a very fertile woman for a while afterwards. N didn't mind that. He just wanted sex out of Z even though she was NOT ready for it because...well, he's a self centered bastard and it was all about him at that point. He made it clear that if she didnt' have sex with him, she really preferred her attacker, etc. HE needed sex for reassurance. He also pressured her into doing several other things she was not ready to do. Z was hooked up with a therapist already, and Z told me that she was upset that her therapist implied that N was no good for her.
Um....honey? Guess what...
I've watched her and N all year long. They started dating in early fall of 2004. N will give her flowers and be nice and sweet. He'll focus on her for a few weeks. She'll feel loved and appreciated. Then he'll be a huge asshole for a week or two, she'll start to pull away...and then he does his nice routine again. Over, and over, and over again.
Well, here we go again! She gets raped; it ends up being all about him. They break up; I rejoice. He acts wonderful to her again, they get back together. THEN she finds out she's pregnant with N's baby. Oh god. I knew this now meant she'd never leave him. He'd have to leave HER. And why would he? She's drop dead gorgeous (no exaggeration there...she's the type of girl people stop and stare at), sweet, smart, and very caring. She often takes care of HIM financially while he blows his paycheck on...um, well, he's addicted to bowling. Yeah, that's a new one.
So, what has the rest of the semester consisted of? He treats her nicely, she's happy, she babbles at me about the baby; then they break up because he's screamed at her, treated her like shit, and ignored her when he wasn't treating her like shit. Then they got back together and he asked her to marry him. She was excited and came in to me babbling happily, showing me the ring, and I just stared at it with wide eyes, unsure how I would react. I wasn't happy about it and I wasn't going to fake it. I just looked up into her eyes and said, "Is this really what you want, Z? You know the drill: great guy, then asshole, then you are miserable, then you threaten to break up or do, then he comes back nice, and you are happy again for however many weeks. You are pleased with this pattern? You like it? You want to do this for the rest of your life?" I could see her smile waver, and I felt like a bitch for pointing it out. But she sighed and said in a quiet voice, "Well...no." So I ask, "Why then?" She averts her gaze and does not answer. But I am pretty sure I know. "Because he is the father of your baby? Because your family expects you to marry him rather than have a baby as a single mom. Because you want to say fuck you to your family who thought it would never last. Because you feel alone and lost. Because you don't feel that now that you're having a baby, you could possibly snag better...that's for women without children. Because you don't think that you deserve better. Have I hit most of them?"
She nodded yes, eyes welling with tears. I told her to discuss all of this with her therapist because she needed to sort through her emotions here before she ever got married.
Since then, N decided when they were driving somewhere to light up a cigarette. Z asked him not to smoke in the car since she was pregnant and she didn't want it to affect the baby. He reacted in a hostile manner and he ended up crashing the car as they fought about it while going around a curvy road. Oh yeah, she took him back after that one.
He had another weekend where he did all manner of things including stay out all night with friends and not let her know where he was or when he was coming back, just to upset her. She told me proudly that she broke things off entirely then, and even started to pack his bags for him to move out of HER MOTHER'S PLACE where they both live (Amanda, what's worse than a guy still living with his mother? How about a guy leeching off his gf's mother!). But of course, you know the drill.
I don't understand why some people enjoy being kicked in the teeth repeatedly. The pattern is set. He is nice; he is mean; he is nice; he is mean. Why do it to yourself over and over again too? I'm waiting for him to add in "cheats on Z" in the middle of a cycle too because he reminds me of this lame ass man I know of who does just that to his lovely wife, too.
I ran into Z this week and she told me she saved up her hard earned cash to buy N a four wheeler for Christmas. "Why the hell'd you do that?" I asked her. She told me, well, he's always wanted one...and I snapped back, "Well, you've always wanted him to consistently be a kind, loving boyfriend and good father to your future child without lapsing into being a selfish bastard who rips your heart out and stomps on it, but he's never going to give THAT to you, so why bother with the four wheeler?"
She was silent. Then she laughed, blushed, and shook her head. "You're right, of course," she whispered out. And I hugged her because, well, we both knew that the essential truths of life would not make her do what she knew she should do.
I always thought this disease was more of a female thing, but now I'm discovering with Mr. Hare that men do it to themselves too. Evil bitch, nice. Evil bitch, nice. Unless she's been struck by lightning or given a lobotomy, why feel she'll change that pattern, my friend?
I believe in the ability of people to change. I really do. But I also believe that very few people use this amazing skill.......
Throughout the term, she just shows up outside of this one classroom when her other class lets out because she is particularly shaky about being around nobody in the afternoon except maybe her attacker. My English Lit I class knows Z by name and face now, and she's learned a lot about early English literature now as a result...haha!
Well, throughout her crappy experiences, she's been with her boyfriend, N. N at first reacted to Z's rape by telling her that she wanted it and she was a whore. Then when he calmed down, he was supportive for a while. She had taken the morning after pill, and the doctors apparently told her to double up on birth control afterwards because when using this pill, it often created a very fertile woman for a while afterwards. N didn't mind that. He just wanted sex out of Z even though she was NOT ready for it because...well, he's a self centered bastard and it was all about him at that point. He made it clear that if she didnt' have sex with him, she really preferred her attacker, etc. HE needed sex for reassurance. He also pressured her into doing several other things she was not ready to do. Z was hooked up with a therapist already, and Z told me that she was upset that her therapist implied that N was no good for her.
Um....honey? Guess what...
I've watched her and N all year long. They started dating in early fall of 2004. N will give her flowers and be nice and sweet. He'll focus on her for a few weeks. She'll feel loved and appreciated. Then he'll be a huge asshole for a week or two, she'll start to pull away...and then he does his nice routine again. Over, and over, and over again.
Well, here we go again! She gets raped; it ends up being all about him. They break up; I rejoice. He acts wonderful to her again, they get back together. THEN she finds out she's pregnant with N's baby. Oh god. I knew this now meant she'd never leave him. He'd have to leave HER. And why would he? She's drop dead gorgeous (no exaggeration there...she's the type of girl people stop and stare at), sweet, smart, and very caring. She often takes care of HIM financially while he blows his paycheck on...um, well, he's addicted to bowling. Yeah, that's a new one.
So, what has the rest of the semester consisted of? He treats her nicely, she's happy, she babbles at me about the baby; then they break up because he's screamed at her, treated her like shit, and ignored her when he wasn't treating her like shit. Then they got back together and he asked her to marry him. She was excited and came in to me babbling happily, showing me the ring, and I just stared at it with wide eyes, unsure how I would react. I wasn't happy about it and I wasn't going to fake it. I just looked up into her eyes and said, "Is this really what you want, Z? You know the drill: great guy, then asshole, then you are miserable, then you threaten to break up or do, then he comes back nice, and you are happy again for however many weeks. You are pleased with this pattern? You like it? You want to do this for the rest of your life?" I could see her smile waver, and I felt like a bitch for pointing it out. But she sighed and said in a quiet voice, "Well...no." So I ask, "Why then?" She averts her gaze and does not answer. But I am pretty sure I know. "Because he is the father of your baby? Because your family expects you to marry him rather than have a baby as a single mom. Because you want to say fuck you to your family who thought it would never last. Because you feel alone and lost. Because you don't feel that now that you're having a baby, you could possibly snag better...that's for women without children. Because you don't think that you deserve better. Have I hit most of them?"
She nodded yes, eyes welling with tears. I told her to discuss all of this with her therapist because she needed to sort through her emotions here before she ever got married.
Since then, N decided when they were driving somewhere to light up a cigarette. Z asked him not to smoke in the car since she was pregnant and she didn't want it to affect the baby. He reacted in a hostile manner and he ended up crashing the car as they fought about it while going around a curvy road. Oh yeah, she took him back after that one.
He had another weekend where he did all manner of things including stay out all night with friends and not let her know where he was or when he was coming back, just to upset her. She told me proudly that she broke things off entirely then, and even started to pack his bags for him to move out of HER MOTHER'S PLACE where they both live (Amanda, what's worse than a guy still living with his mother? How about a guy leeching off his gf's mother!). But of course, you know the drill.
I don't understand why some people enjoy being kicked in the teeth repeatedly. The pattern is set. He is nice; he is mean; he is nice; he is mean. Why do it to yourself over and over again too? I'm waiting for him to add in "cheats on Z" in the middle of a cycle too because he reminds me of this lame ass man I know of who does just that to his lovely wife, too.
I ran into Z this week and she told me she saved up her hard earned cash to buy N a four wheeler for Christmas. "Why the hell'd you do that?" I asked her. She told me, well, he's always wanted one...and I snapped back, "Well, you've always wanted him to consistently be a kind, loving boyfriend and good father to your future child without lapsing into being a selfish bastard who rips your heart out and stomps on it, but he's never going to give THAT to you, so why bother with the four wheeler?"
She was silent. Then she laughed, blushed, and shook her head. "You're right, of course," she whispered out. And I hugged her because, well, we both knew that the essential truths of life would not make her do what she knew she should do.
I always thought this disease was more of a female thing, but now I'm discovering with Mr. Hare that men do it to themselves too. Evil bitch, nice. Evil bitch, nice. Unless she's been struck by lightning or given a lobotomy, why feel she'll change that pattern, my friend?
I believe in the ability of people to change. I really do. But I also believe that very few people use this amazing skill.......
posted by Kira | 6:51 AM
16 Comments:
Aww, damn, Kira! Why are you making me cry this early in the morning?
I recognized so many of my own past behaviors in that one, and I just want to beat just a little common sense into Z. N will never change; he may pretend to change until he gets what he wants, but he will always be a rat bastard. I do understand why Z wants to stay; she sees that tiny little piece of goodness in N that no one else sees. But that tiny little piece of goodness is nothing compared to the big pile of shit that will kill her in the end.
Can't you work some of that magic on her and Mr. Hare that you used on me? I can see very clearly what I'm not missing anymore. Thanks, Kira!
Hey, denial is a wonderful thing. And I've been the mayor of that town. It's hard to leave, although pre-marriage and pre-kids, it ain't that hard. Run while you still can, Z!
It happend to men too. I have a friend whose wife routinely mistreats him (no details, too identifying, but trust me, he's mistreated), but he clings to any kindnesses or consideration in the hope that she is changing. Trust me, this is after 17 years of marriage. She's not changing. He still hopes and comes back for more. And because of my experiences (you keep hoping it will get better) I know what he's going through. It's almost too painful to empathize.
Yup! I recognize myself too. I'm with Amanda and Foilwoman. Denial is wonderful...until the truth looms too large and it all comes crashing down.
How are you doing on that Alex cloning project? I think Amanda, Foilwoman and I are all waiting!
(taps fingers impatiently on desk)
I think a lot of people, whether they admit it or not, prize security over just about everything else in their lives. It's the only reason I see that would explain why so many people in bad relationships always manage to find an excuse to prolong their misery. I made plenty of excuses myself (I'm doing my duty, It's not her fault the way she is, etc.) before I finally cut ties with my mother. As much as I hate to admit it, I was a willing participant in an abusive relationship, although it was long distance mental abuse in my situation. That being the case, I can kind of understand why others find themselves putting up with more than they should, although I really hope I would have whatever it takes to break contact if the abuse was that overt.
As usual, this situation can be solved by emulating Sling Blade.
N: Hey, why are you doing wearing that Red Sonja outfit? Why are you carrying that sword?
Kira: I aim to kill you with it. Mm hm.
Note – when you’re finished, don’t call an ambulance and wait for them to arrive. Feel free to leave.
When someone gets raped, I think they feel like they are worth less. They know that it isn't logical, but it does something to them on such a deep level, trying to undo it is nearly impossible. Sure, people who aren't raped go through it too. But I think it's probably worse for her, considering the rape. There are lots of things that make people feel like they don't deserve any better than what they get out of their relationships, and I think that there are so many examples of bad relationships in parents that it's hard for people to know that something better is even possible. I don't even know if it's fear of being alone that makes them do it - I think it's a much deeper fear - fear of being unworthy.
Partial reinforcement is a very powerful behavioral modification tool. It takes a lot to extinguish the learned behavior. Z needs to really take the nasty stuff to heart and know that for the reality. Can you fix her up with the other guy - Mr. Hare?
Grrr this kind of thing drives me crazy. Bastard men!
The only way a man should mistreat a woman is by spoiling her so bad, that no other man can compare...
Amanda--well, all I can say is that I'm trying, Amanda! I never stop. It's just that with some people it eventually works, and with others it doesn't...my magic is erratic ;)
FW--I think the fact she carries his baby now makes it hard on her, but the baby isn't born yet...plus, she already KNOWS how bad of a father he's been to his other child he had as a young teen. Why would she want to do that to her child too?
Laura--LOL! Working hard, I swear! I'll get that code cracked on him sooner or later.
Grant--ok, I SO very much like your visual aid there! And yes, as you know, I already have the costume so I'm good to go...
Angie--I totally agree that being raped adds a whole different level to the relationships that follow. I think it does indeed make a girl feel unworthy of much, and that she somehow was "bad" to attract such attention. There ARE ways to cope with those emotions and get to a happier place, thereby attracting the relationship you actually deserve, though...I managed, after all...so I know it can be done! Now if I can just convince her of it too...
Prom--I have another gal in mind for Mr. Hare that would fit much better, actually. Fixing her up with another guy would be EASY. Half of the males on campus follow her around in a lovestruck daze. However, she's really skittish now due to the rape earlier on this semester, so I'm not sure how she'd take it. I'm still mad at her mother for introducing her to N with the idea they'd date. What kind of mother scopes out future dates for her daughter at NA meetings????
Alex my love--yes, I know. That's the way you mistreat me. Remember my sister Rose's scold to you? "Alex, your plan is to make the bar so high that no other man could ever hope to go over it!" hahahaha!
You've done "Z" a favor to tell her like it is. I wouldn't have had the guts to do that. If she had any self-esteem whatsoever, she wouldn't put up with that kind of crap. Self-esteem is what it's ALL about!!!!
The scaary part is that with how compeltely terrible he was to her it's only going to get worse and worse. I've had lots of friends with similar relationships. It awlays ends after WAY to long with some major line being crossed and sometimes too alte. Here's to hoping she wises up...
Hey Debbie! Do you believe in the ability of people to change?
Do you not get tired of wasting your time? Because you know you are. Sad, though, isn't it?
'Ey, want me ta off 'im for ya, Chief? Railroad spike up 'is arse oughta do't, 'ey?
Damn. Z needs twenty of you to keep hammering away at her. Good for you for being honest (can't imagine you any other way). Yes, sad, is the right adjective, Hoss.
"he blows his paycheck on...um, well, he's addicted to bowling. Yeah, that's a new one."
OMG...this part made me laugh. HOW MUCH MONEY CAN YOU SPEND ON BOWLING?!?!
Anyway...
This is a sad story, but a common one. Kind of uncomfortable to read at times, especially:
" I always thought this disease was more of a female thing, but now I'm discovering with Mr. Hare that men do it to themselves too. Evil bitch, nice. Evil bitch, nice. Unless she's been struck by lightning or given a lobotomy, why feel she'll change that pattern, my friend?"
Good question. I wish I had a good answer. Love is blind, I guess. And sometimes, a person feels like it's better to stay in a crappy situation--even if it's not a happy one--than to risk being totally, utterly alone. Fear is a powerful motivator, and the fear of being alone is huge for some. I can completely understand it.
Good post.
There is a wonderful woman I work with who has been dating this guy for 7 years now. Early on in their relationship he cheated on her with a 17 year old. He's 33. Yeah. She forgave him. Then he cheated with one of his ex's which led to another pregnancy. (He already had 1 kid with her) Again, she forgave him. Then he went to a party and had a one night stand with some nasty bitch (you should've seen her) which also resulted in a pregnancy. They had a test which proved he was in fact the father. However my friend didn't know about this woman or the child until the mother got thrown in prison. The baby needed to go somewhere, so he had to tell my friend what happened. Not only did she forgive him, but she put up a lot of her own money to obtain legal custody of the child. Now she finds out that he's been cheating on her AGAIN since April of this year. She forgave him after he promised that he would never talk to the girl again. A month later, she gets their cell phone bill and saw the girls number on there everyday like 20 times a day. So she called the girl only to find out that she knew NOTHING about him having a girlfriend whom he lives with. He told her that he lives with his sister and that my friend was only "one of his babies mamma." The girl also went on to say that her birthday was last week and he bought her a diamond tennis bracelet, he tells her he loves her and wants to marry her. Blah, blah, blah. And my friend, forgave him.
Now, I am in no position to talk because I am dealing with some dumb shit of my own. None of which compares to my friends situation. However, there comes a point when I think that I can't feel sorry for her because she keeps taking him back. If I were a guy and I knew that I could fuck around and my woman would forgive me, I'd probably do it too. Is it wrong for me to feel like that? Will there ever be a point when you look at Z and think, "Don't come crying to me when he's an ass because you keep taking him back."
I dunno.
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