Grading, Grading, Grading
This week is the last week of classes. I have a lot of grading to do. That's why I'm blogging. Don't ask.
Grading--at least, when I hit the end of the year crunch in particular--makes me very, very cranky. Not too long ago, I had written up these lovely comments back to everybody who made comments on my last post, and then I hit enter, and then blogger ate them. I invented new words to use with the old cursing favorites, and then I threw in some french for good measure...mange ta merde et creve! putain de bordel de coulis! putain de merde! In the end, I decided rien a fouttre (I don't give a fuck, loosely...please, no French people including my fiance correct my French spelling...it's bad enough when folks do it to my English...kiss my ass...I said I'm cranky and I mean it!). Sometimes blogger is a bitch. Life goes on. Deep breath.
It helps to lighten the mood of grading when the students are such incredible writers. And by incredible, please let me explain that I mean, "incredibly horrible."
Let me give you examples.
I had this one gal who insisted on her cause/effect essay that it wasn't drinking alcohol, it was DRIVING alcohol that was the problem. No shit. Here's a sample sentence: "Driving alcohol can also cause high blood pressure." Amazing! Here I was drinking it! No wonder my blood pressure is fine. It's only a problem if I DRIVE it. I drew a little diagram of a bottle of liquor with wheels, and then a person driving on top complete with steering wheel, right next to that line. I'm sure she will appreciate the artwork.
OH! And speaking of wheels! In that same essay, she wrote: "People should never get under a wheel of a car if they have drunk two drinks or more." See, I had no idea that getting UNDER the wheel of a car was ever a good idea, drinking or not. My current theory is that the alcohol makes the body more spongey and squishy, thereby leading to death when a two ton car is placed on one's stomach via a wheel. If one is sober, however, the car can be placed there without injury. I learn so much from my students.
I had another student who wrote an essay who kept mentioning the damage done to the liver and kidney. Kidney. Here I thought there were two and all. Or, maybe, the disease focuses on JUST one kidney, leaving the back up alone? How kind!
An example of incomprehensible sentence structure: "Due to drinking, sex do not add up that good when one is drunk." Yeah, baby! Drinking before you write the paper on alcohol to get in the mood? Great idea!
I leave you with one final thought for the day, courtesy of another student:
"Having unprotected sex causes diseases that can not be cured or one is raped."
Where's that damn wine bottle...
Grading--at least, when I hit the end of the year crunch in particular--makes me very, very cranky. Not too long ago, I had written up these lovely comments back to everybody who made comments on my last post, and then I hit enter, and then blogger ate them. I invented new words to use with the old cursing favorites, and then I threw in some french for good measure...mange ta merde et creve! putain de bordel de coulis! putain de merde! In the end, I decided rien a fouttre (I don't give a fuck, loosely...please, no French people including my fiance correct my French spelling...it's bad enough when folks do it to my English...kiss my ass...I said I'm cranky and I mean it!). Sometimes blogger is a bitch. Life goes on. Deep breath.
It helps to lighten the mood of grading when the students are such incredible writers. And by incredible, please let me explain that I mean, "incredibly horrible."
Let me give you examples.
I had this one gal who insisted on her cause/effect essay that it wasn't drinking alcohol, it was DRIVING alcohol that was the problem. No shit. Here's a sample sentence: "Driving alcohol can also cause high blood pressure." Amazing! Here I was drinking it! No wonder my blood pressure is fine. It's only a problem if I DRIVE it. I drew a little diagram of a bottle of liquor with wheels, and then a person driving on top complete with steering wheel, right next to that line. I'm sure she will appreciate the artwork.
OH! And speaking of wheels! In that same essay, she wrote: "People should never get under a wheel of a car if they have drunk two drinks or more." See, I had no idea that getting UNDER the wheel of a car was ever a good idea, drinking or not. My current theory is that the alcohol makes the body more spongey and squishy, thereby leading to death when a two ton car is placed on one's stomach via a wheel. If one is sober, however, the car can be placed there without injury. I learn so much from my students.
I had another student who wrote an essay who kept mentioning the damage done to the liver and kidney. Kidney. Here I thought there were two and all. Or, maybe, the disease focuses on JUST one kidney, leaving the back up alone? How kind!
An example of incomprehensible sentence structure: "Due to drinking, sex do not add up that good when one is drunk." Yeah, baby! Drinking before you write the paper on alcohol to get in the mood? Great idea!
I leave you with one final thought for the day, courtesy of another student:
"Having unprotected sex causes diseases that can not be cured or one is raped."
Where's that damn wine bottle...
posted by Kira | 6:37 PM
17 Comments:
Holy Crap!!
That is bad, bad english ;)
It is their second language yes?
And I really don't get that last thought of the day!
Hmm cranky then? I diagnose a lack of sex as the cause. I will remedy this on friday :D
Please scan a pic of the diagram of the liquor bottle on wheels and post it on the blog. Please. Anna is rolling in the floor laughing at this. I would be only I had to type in the request to see the picture of the diagram.
Egads - why am I laughing? I have a ton of grading to do before my students can do the final work, which will leave me with an even greater amount of grading.
Putain de merde.
So, let's see if I've got this: If I drink it's okay for the bottle to drive home because I'll be under the wheel of the car trying to protect my lone kidney from harm. I'm not quite clear if the bad sex comes before or after the math quiz on addition. Am I supposed to add up the diseases from the bad sex?
You need some rotating and trusting essays! Those are great when sober and even better when you're drunkity drunk drunk!
I've worked with people who have such limited written skills that they sound like an immigrant fresh off the boat, and I'm talking about people with MBA's. Just a friendly reminder to the teaching community - you can actually FAIL people if they can't do the work.
Drunken writing kids
English not their *first* language?
Failing would be kind.
Alex--it's already well established that you are a better writer--you who started writing in English at eleven--than my students. See??? You never should feel insecure about your talents as a writer again ;)
Angie--my printer/scanner/copier unit died a while back and I have not replaced it, so I can't show the picture right now. Perhaps I'll find a scanner later and post it!
Amanda--by god, you've got it! Drunkety Drunk Drunk will let me understand these papers, too. Good advice.
Doc-T--these students are from my English 155 class. ALL the students came in unable to write. Their diagnostic essays proved that they couldn't pass my class no matter what. I told them ALL...come through the Writing Center for tutoring and you can pass. You'll fail otherwise. I started out with 23 kids. I'm down to 11 because they don't WANT to work and they don't WANT to fail...and they know they will fail if they keep it up. Out of the remaining 11, I'd say about three of them will end up failing. I can't help it if they don't want to work, Doc-T. YOU try teaching a statue ;)
Grant--I regularly fail people who can't do the work. That's why I'm known as one of the two hardest teachers currently. My good buddy Chuck is known as the other. We're Team Bastard!
Joe--nice one! Haiku for youuuuu!
""Due to drinking, sex do not add up that good when one is drunk."
BWAHAHAHA!
I don't know how you maintain your sanity.
I blogged about your post today. Hope you don't mind. This one was just too good to keep to myself.
""Due to drinking, sex do not add up that good when one is drunk."
BWAHAHAHA!
I don't know how you maintain your sanity.
I blogged about your post today. Hope you don't mind. This one was just too good to keep to myself.
If you bring the diagram next week, I'll personally scan it!
These are native English speakers? Or ESL speakers?
NWJR--well, I'm glad you liked it! I'm not sane, so that answers your question, too ;)
Amanda--even if I forget it, I can whip up another one rather quickly. Hell, I can even do it at lunch on a napkin for entertainment if ya like! Then we can scan it.
Kyaroko--I wouldn't usually make fun of my ESL students' writings. After all, they have actually bothered to learn other languages. I also never, EVER post the sentences--no matter how humorous they are--of my students who have learning disabilities. That wouldn't be quite fair. All the quips I post are from native speakers who do not have a reason (other than the crap South Carolina public school education they received) to write so poorly. Therefore, teasing is in order!
I tried driving my Tigerita home this evening, but I have to say, it didn't work very well. I think you can't really drink it before you drive it. I'm not clear on that part. Do you have more specific instructions? Maybe I need to know how to get under the wheel a little better. So, I'm off to have unprotected sex now! What was it that's going to happen to me again for doing that? I want to make sure I do it right.
Sadly for many of those twenty-three, writing is the skill they will need most in future academic work, and they will have missed an opportunity.
I understand your position. You'd have to work awfully hard to get one unmoved student to learn a little. Who would have the energy to carry all of them?
I can't be this clever and funny when I'm trying to be!! I hope you gave them all an A+!!
Wow. That's some sad writing you got there. (Hey, now I'm paranoid! Is my writing bad? No wait, don't tell me!)
Correcting paper while drinking makes baby come watermelon. Please to take advantage of whatever is down.
Angie--ok, I have no idea what a Tigerita is. Is that a margarita served in the Clemson area?
X-dell--I save my precious energy for those folks who WANT to succeed and are motivated. THOSE folks I'll bleed myself dry for...the rest can jump off a cliff :)
Doc-T--I really did understand you were joking, but I also just felt frustrated by your comment because my god, I'm a good teacher, damnit! I can't help it if sometimes folks don't want to learn. And at the end of the term, I often have kids who didn't want to learn who still, amazingly, can't do the task at hand.
WW--well, they can have A+'s for grades if and only if it's opposite day :)
Juanita--no, your writing is not like this at all. Trust me.
Hoss--I had no idea I taught your English class!
REM--well, I actually would like to just shoot them sometimes. A ruler smack just isn't satisfying enough ;)
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