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Location: Upstate, South Carolina, United States

I think that the Meredith Brooks' song, "Bitch," summarizes me rather nicely. Or, if you prefer, X. dell says I'm a life-smart literary scholar with a low BS tolerance...that also works!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

I Have No Voice

There are many professions that are greatly affected by the loss of a voice. I happen to be involved in one of them. Yesterday, I had no voice...but my two classes had exams so it didn't matter. I started to lose my voice on Monday in the middle of a class. It's now Wednesday. I just woke up, and I still have no voice. Now, granted, I only have one class today...but it's a two hour class. I have no idea how I'm going to teach it. Sign language? Big placards? Use my psychic senses? This should be fun!

I've never lost my voice for longer than a day or two. We're on day three now. I'm amazed. There are many people I know of who would be amazed, too, to be able to be around me for hours and have me not say a word. They'd probably pay money for it. If you're one of those people, please come on down and witness the splendor of a silent Kira. The fee is $250. Proceeds will pay for fine wine and fun on a trip to Vegas. Thank you.

*****

My dad sent me this email, and it entertained me, so I'm sharing:

Unanswered Questions


1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags"
and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the
Tennessee Titans?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
one enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
stale bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their
final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they
deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

18 Comments:

Blogger April said...

HAHAHAHAHAAAA

Those are GREAT!! I've heard some of them, but most were new to me!

I hope you get your voice back soon.

3:32 AM  
Blogger WordWhiz said...

I was entertained too! Thanks for sharing!

Feel better soon...but good idea to earn some Vegas money first! You're so smart!

3:41 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...

Silent Kira?? Oh well, I guess the goats won't mind ;)

6:21 AM  
Blogger Grant said...

Poor Kira. Make the students take turns reading. Or do wind sprints.

6:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

TECHNOLOGY TO THE RESCUE... Is the class in a smart classroom? If so, I recommend using the computer as much as possible to set up small group discussions. Or role playing activities. Anything where they have to do the talking. With 2 whole hours to fill, you probably want something new for the small groups to do every 30 mins or so.

Or, an even better approach would be to talk electronically. Does Campus Pipeline have chat rooms? If so, take them all in the writing center (esp. if it's at night), and have everyone log in. You can still have a whole class discussion where you get to lead the discussion. If Pipeline doesn't have one yet, you could contact Sarah S to see if she could set you up in Blackboard right quick. The chat room there works pretty well. If you can't get a chat room through Tech, there are some free ones online. We used one night for something - I think to discuss Homer. I had some quiet people who never talked, so I decided to follow the research and try to get them to talk electronically. (It did work.)

If it were the Western Lit class, I'd recommend watching O' Brother, Where Art Though, but I bet it's not that class.

9:00 AM  
Blogger Valerie - Still Riding Forward said...

I'm in sales and customer service...lost voice once a year for two weeks the last three years in a row..

Cloraseptic Spray!

Ick but helps.

9:17 AM  
Blogger cookie monster said...

with reference to number 5, whats Hooters?

10:29 AM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well, see, what you tell them is that you're disgruntled because you're a pi.... No, wait. Tell them that you can't talk because you're a pi.... Just a sec... Don't tell them anything because you can't talk.

11:18 AM  
Blogger Canoes under my shoes said...

I enjoy diarrhea. I'm the 1 out of 5.

OK...

Speech-Language Pathologist chiming in on the laryngitis...

1. Don't try to talk. Avoid it if you can. If you're a fast typer, then you can lecture via a computer and a projector. I had a professor (an SLP, of course) who had laryngitis and lectured using one of those electronic voice boxes, like people with laryngectomies use! That was a classic moment from college.

2. Avoid dairy, alcohol and smoke.

3. Get lots of sleep.

4. Don't try to whisper. You'll only make it worse. Whispering dries out your vocal chords.

5. Drink water and tea.

Good luck.

12:07 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

You could always turn it into a lesson for them. Make it a silent classroom and expose them to what it would be like to not be able to communicate by talking. Pretend like you're doing it on purpose, to show them the importance of writing skills or something :)

Hope you feel better soon! And I loved the list!

2:58 PM  
Blogger Edgy Mama said...

Who needs to talk when you can write?

3:19 PM  
Blogger Joseph H. Vilas said...

...and I Must Scream!"

7:55 PM  
Blogger Nails said...

Reading this reminded me of something I haven't thought about in so long!
I taught English in Japan for 2 years. I woke up one morning with no voice. Gone. Even when I pushed air through with the entire force of my lungs, nothing but a ghostly whisper came out. I had done a fair amount of talking the day before, but no screaming or anything. I picked up the phone to call my boss to tell him I wasn't coming in, but it took me forever to get past the receptionist who lowered her voice to a whisper to match mine, like we were sharing a secret... "who is this? what do you want?" It was extremely funny.

2:33 PM  
Blogger Joseph H. Vilas said...

Hey, are you better now?

10:23 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Hello all,
I just thought I would let you all know that Kira is still suffering from a bad throat. I am trying to make her feel better (breakfast in bed, massage, bubble bath if she wants one, usual stuff) and hopefully that and a lot of rest will do the trick for Monday. Thank you all for worrying about her.

Also about those unanswered questions…
1) France being the second largest consumer of mineral waters (versus tap water or water fro sources) after Italy, I have drunk a lot of Evian, Volvic, etc. First, it often tastes a lot better than tap water. Second, depending on the local quality of your tap water, it can be better for your health…It is also highly due to fashion and smart marketing (better for breast milk and therefore babies, better for losing weight) apparently.
The average Frenchman drinks 149 liters (nearly 40 gallons) of mineral water per year. Personal I miss my bottles of Volvic water and I was very sad when I saw the price of it in the USA (3$ for a liter an a half bottle versus less than a dollar in France). On the other hand, coca cola is only half the price in the USA…

3) Tennesse Titans also makes me think of Teen titans…Tiny girly men lol (I am weird).

5) We are very catholic in France: we drink wine and celebrate it with every meal…

Doc-T, I would like to say that I loved your answers btw :D
I just loved math and physics and your answers were cool :D

6:03 AM  
Blogger Kira said...

April--glad you enjoyed them! My voice is not back all the way yet, but it's getting there.

Mandy--oh yeah! Gotta have some money for slot machines and drinks! Oh, and food! VEGAS BABY!

Amanda--yes. It's sort of the same way you are when you're drinking in some Milk ;)

Grant--I tried to encourage more discussion, but it never occured to me to do the wind sprints. I'll tell them they can thank you for that one!

Angie--well, remember it's tech. I do have two of my four classes (I teach five this term, but two of them are seven week courses so I'm never doing more than four at a time) with smart boards, but I've never leaned on the technology to teach. I know I COULD make two of the classes do the "student led" discussion, but the kids in my 102's really LOVE me directing the debate. Fortunately, this week they've been very involved and cooperative with carrying the discussion, so that's worked. Also, one T/Th class had an exam and a peer grading, and the other had an exam, so the T/Th hasn't been TOO bad on me. Friday was rough. I started to get my voice back and then I lost it after having to talk for two hours, then an hour and 25 min.! Oh well. Alex is taking good care of me this weekend, so hopefully by Monday I'll be ok.

Valerie--I probably should invest in that nasty crap. I used to use that occasionally in the past; I just don't have any on hand at the moment.

Tony dear--I hope my explanation by phone (in my croaking, hoarse way) helped. Don't worry...you can experience Hooters when you come over in November, ok?

Hoss--I WISH! Nah, I had to explain way too much to 'em, actually.

Laura--thanks for the advice. I can't not talk, however, because I have no sick leave (adjunct) and so I have to teach. Telling me I can't have dairy is like telling me I can't have oxygen, however. I can do the no milk thing--I never drink milk--but no cheese? You must be SHITTING me! Arg! I've tried to do the rest, though. It's slowly coming back.

MR--yeah, that's learning at its finest! haha! "Today we're going to learn what it's like to be a deaf mute...."

EM--true until I enter the classroom. What am I going to do? Type and have it appear on the projector? I can type 90 wpm, but it still freaks out the students to not have me interacting in a human like fashion with them.

Joe--yeah, sort of like that ;) And yes, slowly getting better, but the weekend will be the true test.

Kyaroko--I'd love to teach English in a foreign country...I might eventually do that in France since my fiance is French. Yes, it's been funny to answer the phone. Telemarketers screw off pretty fast if you're just barking like a seal into the phone...haha!

Doc-T--two of the four classes already got joyous quizzes...close enough. I LOVED your responses! Funny as shit! haha!

Alex--thank you for taking care of me this morning. I feel noticably better. I just feel so badly that YOU are not all the way well yet and you're looking after me so intently, is all....

10:10 AM  
Blogger cookie monster said...

well now alex is either totally in love or he is under the thumb.........

10:19 AM  
Blogger Juanita said...

Ewww, I hope you're better! Numbers 2 and 5 had me rolling. Thanks for sharing. (I think LJS was teasing about enjoying diarrhea.)

10:22 AM  

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