Blue Laws Suck
I hate the blue laws. You know, we're supposedly a country that separates church and state, and yet I can't buy alcohol on Sunday in South Carolina. What does this really prevent? It means if I go out to eat, unless I'm in one of a small handful of jurisdictions that allow Sunday alcohol sales in restaurants with a special license, I can't drink. It means that if I bought five bottles of white wine and a bottle of grey goose vodka on Saturday, if I decide to drink red wine on Sunday I'm screwed...and need to revert to the vodka. ALCOHOL IS NOT ILLEGAL IN THE UNITED STATES, save for a few insane dry counties that just force people to drive to the neighboring county to buy a lot of alcohol. If it's not illegal, why should we have to have it a criminal offense to sell it on Sunday? Why Sunday? YOU SUCK, BLUE LAWS! As A* would say, I REBUKE THEE!
My daughter once asked in the grocery store on Sunday why the beer aisle was dark. I said, well honey, it's illegal in this state to sell alcohol on Sunday. "WHY?" she asked, mystified. "I have no idea, baby. All it does is make the alcoholics plan ahead," was my response, much to the horror of an older woman ahead of us. Look, if a person wants to be drunk on Sunday, he or she can. It just requires thought. What the HELL does it prove to have it illegal to sell on that day?
On the second rung of absurdity is the "No alcohol sold until after X time" law. In Florida, it's like noon or one o'clock. What, if I didn't want to bring a flask into church, I couldn't have? What's the FREAKING POINT???
And not opening up the mall or other places until after church hours? You think that makes Christians not go to church? Guess what. If a Christian wants to sleep in, he or she will. If a Christian wants to go to church, he or she will. If the temptation of the mall being open is too much, then welcome to the GOD GIVEN ability called FREE WILL. Sheesh.
Ok, I've bitched enough. Now give me my wine!
*****
In the musical Hair, there is a song called black boys, white boys. I decided to parody it with circumcised versus uncut penises. Why, you ask? Well, a debate on another forum triggered it. I blame April (since she sent me over there), and so I had to dedicate the song to her. I am loathe to post it as it is further proof that I'm nuts. Basically, just like the song it was parodying, it sang the praises of both types (the original said black men and white men were equally great; the parody says uncut and cut penises are equally great). Oh yeah. I'm happy being insane.
*****
I finally picked up that this guy really, really, REALLY is hitting on me. He's a student. However, I have to say that having a student hit on me is not particularly flattering. Of course they hit on me and every other teacher under the age of fourty. That's a chance for an easy grade! Why not? I remember one time this guy came into class and thought he was funny for saying, "So, do I get an A if I sleep with you?" I laughed my ass off. Then I stopped, took in a deep breath and replied, "Honey, I'd be the best you ever had, so the question would have to be what would you give ME if I slept with you? However, I'm clearly out of your league, plus I've already got a waiting list, so I'd just hang up your sweet dreams." The class laughed hysterically about it. Yeah, take that!
Sometimes students think they can be witty that way. I also remember clearly this one guy who decided to be a smart ass when I was handing out papers. "Yeah, Kira, sorry about calling out the wrong name last night, baby," he purred, grinning with the devil in his eyes.
I raised an eyebrow at him, and the whole class froze, expecting immediate retaliation. However, they didn't expect it the way I dished it out: "Honey, you have it all wrong. When a man calls out the wrong name, it's MY name he calls out. Obviously you couldn't be referring to me. And that being said, wake up from that dream, because dreams are the only place you'll ever see ME with YOU." Oh yeah! The class lost it, and he flushed a deep red. His immediate response: "I will never. Ever. Ever. Mouth off in your class again," he said humbly, and I laughed. Kira 1, Student 0!
However, this one fellow is really perplexing me. I had him for English 101, and he barely scratched out a D with me. He insisted on taking 102 with me anyway. Hey, nobody can accuse ME of being the type of teacher who gives out A's for flirting because BOY did this guy flirt! Anyway, here he is in 102, and he keeps making remarks all the time. Sometimes, they're absurd: "Kira, that purple shirt you're wearing makes your legs stand out beautifully." HUH? That one was today. He also made quips about how he loved redheads, and then later on his friend tossed out that he only had a few years to go before he was in my "range" of dating age. That is, I had mentioned to them before class as we chatted that Alex was younger than I was by nine years. Apparently, this excited the student (that I had as a fiance a younger man). His friend made a quip about it, and the student grinned at me (leered?) for the rest of class. Man. I AM TOO OLD! GO AWAY! Not only that, but honestly folks...I'd never ever ever date a student. A FORMER student is another case, but an actual student is automatically ruled out. I've never violated that policy, and I never will. I just consider it unethical. I'm in the power position. It's like dating my underling at an office, you know? Shouldn't be done...esp. with these young "hot for teacher is MY fantasy!" guys in my classes. That's all they need to furnish their dreams. Snort.
I think what entertains me the most, however, is that some of my students (male AND female) so respect the idea that I'm happy for once in my life that they get protective of my relationship with Alex. Another student in this very same class (male! and he loves me, too...he brings me pecan pie! haha!) burst out with, "HOW'S ALEX DOING?" after one particularly noticable hit from the other student. I've had girls glare at Alex when he comes to school at me and ask, "So what is ALEX doing these days?" before I laugh and explain...that IS Alex! One of the teachers at the school (math teacher, actually) hit on me once in front of another student, and he blocked the teacher...glared him down...mentioned Alex....and shooed him off. Oh god! I couldn't stop laughing afterwards. I had asked Ryan, what the hell was that about? He said, well, I know Alex would do the same for me if it were MY woman, you know? That just made me laugh harder. Alex wins over everybody...what can I say?
My daughter once asked in the grocery store on Sunday why the beer aisle was dark. I said, well honey, it's illegal in this state to sell alcohol on Sunday. "WHY?" she asked, mystified. "I have no idea, baby. All it does is make the alcoholics plan ahead," was my response, much to the horror of an older woman ahead of us. Look, if a person wants to be drunk on Sunday, he or she can. It just requires thought. What the HELL does it prove to have it illegal to sell on that day?
On the second rung of absurdity is the "No alcohol sold until after X time" law. In Florida, it's like noon or one o'clock. What, if I didn't want to bring a flask into church, I couldn't have? What's the FREAKING POINT???
And not opening up the mall or other places until after church hours? You think that makes Christians not go to church? Guess what. If a Christian wants to sleep in, he or she will. If a Christian wants to go to church, he or she will. If the temptation of the mall being open is too much, then welcome to the GOD GIVEN ability called FREE WILL. Sheesh.
Ok, I've bitched enough. Now give me my wine!
*****
In the musical Hair, there is a song called black boys, white boys. I decided to parody it with circumcised versus uncut penises. Why, you ask? Well, a debate on another forum triggered it. I blame April (since she sent me over there), and so I had to dedicate the song to her. I am loathe to post it as it is further proof that I'm nuts. Basically, just like the song it was parodying, it sang the praises of both types (the original said black men and white men were equally great; the parody says uncut and cut penises are equally great). Oh yeah. I'm happy being insane.
*****
I finally picked up that this guy really, really, REALLY is hitting on me. He's a student. However, I have to say that having a student hit on me is not particularly flattering. Of course they hit on me and every other teacher under the age of fourty. That's a chance for an easy grade! Why not? I remember one time this guy came into class and thought he was funny for saying, "So, do I get an A if I sleep with you?" I laughed my ass off. Then I stopped, took in a deep breath and replied, "Honey, I'd be the best you ever had, so the question would have to be what would you give ME if I slept with you? However, I'm clearly out of your league, plus I've already got a waiting list, so I'd just hang up your sweet dreams." The class laughed hysterically about it. Yeah, take that!
Sometimes students think they can be witty that way. I also remember clearly this one guy who decided to be a smart ass when I was handing out papers. "Yeah, Kira, sorry about calling out the wrong name last night, baby," he purred, grinning with the devil in his eyes.
I raised an eyebrow at him, and the whole class froze, expecting immediate retaliation. However, they didn't expect it the way I dished it out: "Honey, you have it all wrong. When a man calls out the wrong name, it's MY name he calls out. Obviously you couldn't be referring to me. And that being said, wake up from that dream, because dreams are the only place you'll ever see ME with YOU." Oh yeah! The class lost it, and he flushed a deep red. His immediate response: "I will never. Ever. Ever. Mouth off in your class again," he said humbly, and I laughed. Kira 1, Student 0!
However, this one fellow is really perplexing me. I had him for English 101, and he barely scratched out a D with me. He insisted on taking 102 with me anyway. Hey, nobody can accuse ME of being the type of teacher who gives out A's for flirting because BOY did this guy flirt! Anyway, here he is in 102, and he keeps making remarks all the time. Sometimes, they're absurd: "Kira, that purple shirt you're wearing makes your legs stand out beautifully." HUH? That one was today. He also made quips about how he loved redheads, and then later on his friend tossed out that he only had a few years to go before he was in my "range" of dating age. That is, I had mentioned to them before class as we chatted that Alex was younger than I was by nine years. Apparently, this excited the student (that I had as a fiance a younger man). His friend made a quip about it, and the student grinned at me (leered?) for the rest of class. Man. I AM TOO OLD! GO AWAY! Not only that, but honestly folks...I'd never ever ever date a student. A FORMER student is another case, but an actual student is automatically ruled out. I've never violated that policy, and I never will. I just consider it unethical. I'm in the power position. It's like dating my underling at an office, you know? Shouldn't be done...esp. with these young "hot for teacher is MY fantasy!" guys in my classes. That's all they need to furnish their dreams. Snort.
I think what entertains me the most, however, is that some of my students (male AND female) so respect the idea that I'm happy for once in my life that they get protective of my relationship with Alex. Another student in this very same class (male! and he loves me, too...he brings me pecan pie! haha!) burst out with, "HOW'S ALEX DOING?" after one particularly noticable hit from the other student. I've had girls glare at Alex when he comes to school at me and ask, "So what is ALEX doing these days?" before I laugh and explain...that IS Alex! One of the teachers at the school (math teacher, actually) hit on me once in front of another student, and he blocked the teacher...glared him down...mentioned Alex....and shooed him off. Oh god! I couldn't stop laughing afterwards. I had asked Ryan, what the hell was that about? He said, well, I know Alex would do the same for me if it were MY woman, you know? That just made me laugh harder. Alex wins over everybody...what can I say?
posted by Kira | 3:22 PM
16 Comments:
Hot damn. You're too cool, Kira.
Hmmm Hot teacher Fantasy...
Hmmm Hot coworker Fantasy...
Pity the current classes and that current student haven't met me.
Your students always crack me up. They all look at me as if I am this cool, godlike being...Hmm sounds like Neo except I am better looking than Keanu Reeves...And more modest too :D
PS: Mark is a twit, a crap teacher and he has no manners :)
Hoss, thanks!
Yeah, Alex...they usually get to meet you. This term, they haven't had the chance. And what, you don't like Mark? I think Amanda remembers Mark and likely can agree with you ;)
Even at the premier school, the guys aren't THAT stupid. They know who to flirt with to get an easy grade. I'll admit I flirted back with a lot of them, and then failed them for not doing their assignments. I'm a bitch like that. I never wanted to be the joke amongst the male students.
Alex, I totally agree with you about Mark. I've never in my life been so uncomfortable around another person...well, for creepy reasons ;)
The funny thing is...
the only students I have that ever flirt with me are the ones from down south (Georgia, Florida, Alabama) that come up here to play football for some unknown reason.
What is in your water down there?! :)
Or maybe southerners just appreciate redheads more (mwah ha ha)
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ok Seriously? SERIOUSLY!?!?!?
No liqour on Sunday? NYC would cease to function. Brunch is a religion here- liquor with brunch is a mainstay, a cornerstone, a tradition!!
Blue laws....
I REBUKE THEE!!
Oh wait...is it the same in NC? Please please please telll me NO!!
On the other hand, when do I get to meet Alex? No really. I want to meet Alex. And you too of course. :)
Try waitressing on Sundays... People from other areas come in and threaten to kill you because of the blue laws, which you have absolutely no control over, especially when you're under 18 and can't vote yet...
That reminds me - I'm glad Anna hasn't found a job yet...
I used to hate the blue laws, and still do in theory, but over the years its become a habit to load up on liquor before Sunday. I always have loads of beer (and now sake) just in case I feel like having a drink. In fact, there have been many cases over the years where I had a drink just because there was so much booze in the house, although I doubt I would have gone out for one. So, thanks for the encouragement, xtianity. :)
I was once the musical director for a production of "Hair," so I'm pretty familiar with the song "Black Boys/White Boys." I'm having trouble imagining how the words 'circumcised' and uncircumsized' fit the metric structure.
Do people from dry counties drive to wet ones on Sunday, and then head home? Seems like that might induce your home county to rethink blue laws.
Flirting students are flattering, sometimes, but they can be a pain, especially when they're doing poor or failing work.
I had one student who rushed me a week before finals, wrapped her arms around me, and declared "I'll do anything to pass your class. ANYthing."
I told her to go to the physics department, see if someone there found some exotic matter, see if anyone else there had built a time machine. If so, I then instructed her to have them trasnport her back to the beginning of the semester so that she could take the class over.
Blue laws used to be even worse. You couldn't buy anything that was not food on Sunday. Try explaining that to your 3 month old that you cant buy a bottle for him because its sunday! I was so glad to see that one go!
I refer to my dating policy as "don't shit where you eat". Pretty much sums it up.
Amanda--yeah, I really couldn't stand it if my rep were as the easy teacher or the one who would give out great grades if you flirted with her. I don't mind a few of them thinking I'm a hard nosed bitch if the rest realize that I'm only doing it that way because I want them to LEARN and I CARE. Certainly I am defeating the purpose of teaching if I elect to dish out easy A's for everybody based on if I like 'em or they want down my pants. Bleh.
MR--could be the red hair, but they hit all over Amanda if I recall, and she's a brunette! So, it must be something about Southern men. And women.
A*--we'll swing by sometime (alex and myself) when you are settled in since we go up there periodically anyway to see my brother in Raleigh. And NC is more like Florida with the alcohol laws: it can be sold after a certain time of day on Sunday. When I used to visit my ex's family, they lived on the SC side of the border, and we'd sometimes drive up an extra twenty minutes to go into a county to buy alcohol on Sunday if we desired it. Raleigh/Durham and Asheville are the two most liberal areas in the state (liberal as in laid back...I didn't mean necessarily politically, although that is also likely true). It won't be so bad.
Angie--where the hell did you work??? I worked at Chili's in Greenville, and I had unhappy customers on Sunday but they never blamed me for the state regulations. At the very least, make sure Anna doesn't find a job where you worked!
Doc-T--actually, in your case it's the microchip I installed in your brain. You know how yesterday at lunch you shouted out, "Frito Lay! Yeah lay! Lay me!" for no reason and fretted that it was tourette's syndrome? Well, it wasn't. Damn is your brain fun!
Grant--I was only able to load up on alcohol in my house AFTER I left my ex. Before that, it never mattered when I bought it or how much, it was gone before I could turn around. It's funny. He called ME a lush because I have a liquor cabinet now. I said, yeah, but my liquor largely stays in the cabinet! He went silent.
X.dell--sometimes I used cut and uncut, but yeah, occasionally it was a forced fit for sure. Still, it made me laugh my ass off at how retarded I am, so there was STILL value in the parody! And nobody can introduce logic into the alcohol debate around here. Trust me. As far as the last goes...wow! I like your response. Haha!
Doe--yeah, I remember how nothing would be open except for grocery stores and gas stations in the early mornings. Wait...it's still largely like that here. Never mind. There are a few stores that open up earlier, but the vast majority wait until past noon.
Johnboy--welcome! Vodka's in the cabinet. I've got half a bottle of grey goose left. Help yourself!
Laura--yeah, that's true in general. Never, ever date a person you work with. It's not pretty after it breaks apart.
Yes folks, it is MY fault that Kira joined the circumcision discussion. HOWEVER, it allowed her to create the FUNNIEST damn song EVER. See I was fortunate enough to have it emailed to me and it's simply marvelous!!
If I recall when I lived in Florida, they stopped selling alcohol from 2am-12pm. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's correct. In Virginia you can't buy alcohol from midnight-6am. Which is really good for a lot of the factory workers in the town I live in. They work 7pm-7am then go straight to the store and buy a 12 pack of beer. It took me a while to get over the shock factor of someone buying beer when I'm getting my morning coffee.
I still want an Alex clone, just with his weeeeeener cut. =) is that ok?
April!!!!
You scared me so bad I am grabing my penis :o
Unless the muslims cut pieces off of their kids body too, 99% of French people have their foreskins intact and suffer no problem whatsoever (1% jewish population in France I believe).
The aforementioned incident happened a little place called Gordon's in West Union. It no longer exists. The interesting thing is that it was actually illegal for me to serve alcohol at all then. But I've been threatened for refusing to serve people who were already drunk at Pizza Hut too... They had kids with them, for crying out loud. And they weren't just tipsy - you could smell how drunk they were over the burning breadsticks. Chili's, Fatz, Applebee's, etc. attract a somewhat slightly better clientele. But I had some stories from my days at Fatz too. Lol - I hope I NEVER have to do that again.
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