Blogger ate my post that I made on Saturday or Sunday. I can't remember which day. Anyway! Joe had a backup of it (thanks, Joe!), so I'll reprint it.
Hey, I went out to eat with my good friend from school, Chuck. We had a great time munching down on sushi and chatting for a couple of hours. I had told the ex that he needed to keep the kids tonight so I could go out with Chuck. His immediate response? Well, he basically started cackling gleefully, telling me I should cheat on Alex with Chuck, and he wholeheartedly approved of that idea. SHEESH! So, anybody keeping track here? First, he stated to me that he couldn't wait until Alex left me for a younger woman. Now, he wants me to cheat on Alex. I don't think that Terry's murmurings that my ex wants me to be happy are really in the cards.
Oh, and just so you can keep track of the birthday bliss...Saturday, the cutest thing that Alex did for me was take me to the build-a-bear workshop and purchased for me a matching cat (that is, my kids each have an orange tabby from there, and now I do too!). We picked out a Duke Blue Devils t-shirt for my tabby to wear to tell him apart from the other two, and he has a blue ribbon on his tail. After two seconds, we decided to name him after Scruffy, my cat who died in August of 2001. Scruffy was a cat-dog of the finest order. I could take him in the car with me and be'd travel like a dog would. I took him on leash hiking with me, to the pet store, and around the block. He was an amazing cat.
And the Melting Pot was wonderful! As if three longstem red roses wasn't enough in the morning, he also had a half dozen waiting for me at the table at the restaurant. Any doubts as to why I love this man? It feels great to be spoiled!
Ok, so now the post:
I like to think of myself as a practical woman. I try to use my brains
rather than my heart to make critical decisions, although often that
is difficult. I used my heart when I married the first time, and my
heart chose to ignore what I knew were warning signs that there could
be problems down the road. My ex and I are NOT compatible in a lot of
ways, but somewhere I thought that love would conquer all. Whoever
came up with that saying should be shot. Love can't fix everything.
As Joe pointed out on a previous comment, I'm one of the few who had a
good, healthy, loving relationship modeled at home. I always wanted
the type of marriage my mom and dad have. They treat each other with
respect, they listen, they care, and they love with all they have. In
June, they will have been married for 46 years. My dad still gets my
mom off the phone by pinching her ass. I hear the "MEEP!" sound my mom
makes, and a giggle, and then she tells me it's time to go. They hold
hands. In my 36 years on this planet, I heard them fight ONCE. It's
not that they don't disagree; they are both strong-willed people with
set opinions on a variety of topics. It's just that they've always
disagreed with earnest debate rather than shouting, name calling,
cursing, or excessive pouting.
I know it can be done. All I have to do is look to my parents. And
that's what I want, and nothing less. For some reason, I felt that I
didn't need that type of relationship. Now I know I'll settle for
I wouldn't give another thought to being with another man again if I
hadn't found one whom I know can give me this type of relationship. I
don't need men. I have my man in a box--that's a stepstool, jar
opener, and a vibrator. Good enough. I also have children, so it's not
like I'd have to have a man to fulfill biological urges to procreate.
The only way I'd try again is if I KNEW it would be EXACTLY the way I
Innana had posted on Foilwoman's blog that all engaged people should
consider a pre-nup. People change, and life is uncertain. I see her
point. Although I ignored a few warning signs and married my ex, I
NEVER could have predicted the collapse of the marriage in the way it
went. He absolutely had a life crisis, and it was not within my
capability to fix it. In fact, with my ornery, stubborn, strong-willed
temperment, a lot of my actions made it worse. Now, in our case there
was nothing to divide really in the end, and I got everything I
wanted. I lucked out. When I see what poor FW is going through now, I
practically have an anxiety attack for worry. I know she's got help
and support, but what woman likes to feel lack of security in any
However, a pre-nup (although a very practical idea for couples wherein
one has everything and the other has nothing, just in case) to me
states, I acknowledge this relationship may fail. I don't think I'd
marry again if I felt that there was even a chance this would fail.
Period. Besides, we both have nothing, and Alex is the one who could
get potentially screwed over because he'll actually have a great
salary one day versus me and my teaching salary which will never be
much. I don't want one. If I felt I needed one, I would not get
married again and instead would shoot for dates and sex.
After I became engaged, my mom told me on the phone one night that she
felt so comfortable with the idea of Alex and I getting married for a
variety of reasons, not the least of which was...she saw that Alex and
I communicate like she does with dad. We debate earnestly, and we
resolve. Then we move on. Nobody yells, curses, manipulates, pouts
excessively (minor pouting is ok though...haha!), or gets childish. We
agree on priorities for spending money and childcare. Our world
philosophies are very similar. He's more liberal than I am
politically, but we still are very well matched in that arena too. We
like a hell of a lot of the same activities, and he might as well be
the biological father of my children as far as how he treats them.
I'm never taken for granted. I never take him for granted.
What does the future hold? I can't say. I DO know that Alex's ability
to see things clearly through a woman's eyes has led him to mumble
quite a few funny things under his breath ("Men are assholes...that's
why I'm a lesbian," and "Men are stupid and women are crazy, but the
reason why women are crazy is that men are stupid," etc). He won't sit
down unless I sit down because if I'm doing work, he should be
working. He will see chick flicks with me and treats me with respect.
I can't say what the future holds...except that it'll hold Alex.
Today is the day he has set aside to celebrate my birthday since I was
back home on Tuesday. The ex has the kids. How has the day gone so
far? I woke up and had a head rub. He then left to fetch hot chocolate
and a chocolate cream cheese muffin for me from Starbucks, and also he
fetched three beautiful longstemed red roses in a vase from a flower
shop for me as well. They're next to the computer as I type. He told
me that the rule is: birthday girl gets to do whatever the hell she
wants. Birthday girl has an idea of what she'll want after she gets
off the computer, but I probably shouldn't detail that one...haha!
Eventually, though, we'll head off to The Melting Pot for dinner, and
he'll give me an hour or so of massage before bed (something that he
does just about every night anyway unless he's sick or extremely
tired). This day is not an abnormal day for me. Alex gets an insane
amount of happiness seeing me happy, and that seems to motivate him to
do all sorts of things.
I can't predict the future. Well, ok, so I occasionally have dreams
that come true, but that's another issue. TYPICALLY I can't predict
the future. However, I just know it will all be fine. I've finally got
the relationship my parents had and have. I'm going to keep it, too.
And that's that.