I don't know if you remember Student Z. Student Z is the girl I mentioned who had been raped by another boy at Premiere, and she came to little ol' 5'2" me to protect her and walk her from class to class instead of her other friends and acquaintences. She felt that if the attacker got anywhere near her when I was there, I'd surely be the one she most relied on to take care of him. I still think that was one of her smarter moves :) Beware the wrath of a redhead! We DID make sure to inform security (plus give them a copy of the restraining order on the fellow) and other authority folks on campus, but until the criminal charges settle down one way or the other, the ass is still allowed to take classes on campus. He just can't take classes at the same location and time Z is due to the restraining order.
Throughout the term, she just shows up outside of this one classroom when her other class lets out because she is particularly shaky about being around nobody in the afternoon except maybe her attacker. My English Lit I class knows Z by name and face now, and she's learned a lot about early English literature now as a result...haha!
Well, throughout her crappy experiences, she's been with her boyfriend, N. N at first reacted to Z's rape by telling her that she wanted it and she was a whore. Then when he calmed down, he was supportive for a while. She had taken the morning after pill, and the doctors apparently told her to double up on birth control afterwards because when using this pill, it often created a very fertile woman for a while afterwards. N didn't mind that. He just wanted sex out of Z even though she was NOT ready for it because...well, he's a self centered bastard and it was all about him at that point. He made it clear that if she didnt' have sex with him, she really preferred her attacker, etc. HE needed sex for reassurance. He also pressured her into doing several other things she was not ready to do. Z was hooked up with a therapist already, and Z told me that she was upset that her therapist implied that N was no good for her.
Um....honey? Guess what...
I've watched her and N all year long. They started dating in early fall of 2004. N will give her flowers and be nice and sweet. He'll focus on her for a few weeks. She'll feel loved and appreciated. Then he'll be a huge asshole for a week or two, she'll start to pull away...and then he does his nice routine again. Over, and over, and over again.
Well, here we go again! She gets raped; it ends up being all about him. They break up; I rejoice. He acts wonderful to her again, they get back together. THEN she finds out she's pregnant with N's baby. Oh god. I knew this now meant she'd never leave him. He'd have to leave HER. And why would he? She's drop dead gorgeous (no exaggeration there...she's the type of girl people stop and stare at), sweet, smart, and very caring. She often takes care of HIM financially while he blows his paycheck on...um, well, he's addicted to bowling. Yeah, that's a new one.
So, what has the rest of the semester consisted of? He treats her nicely, she's happy, she babbles at me about the baby; then they break up because he's screamed at her, treated her like shit, and ignored her when he wasn't treating her like shit. Then they got back together and he asked her to marry him. She was excited and came in to me babbling happily, showing me the ring, and I just stared at it with wide eyes, unsure how I would react. I wasn't happy about it and I wasn't going to fake it. I just looked up into her eyes and said, "Is this really what you want, Z? You know the drill: great guy, then asshole, then you are miserable, then you threaten to break up or do, then he comes back nice, and you are happy again for however many weeks. You are pleased with this pattern? You like it? You want to do this for the rest of your life?" I could see her smile waver, and I felt like a bitch for pointing it out. But she sighed and said in a quiet voice, "Well...no." So I ask, "Why then?" She averts her gaze and does not answer. But I am pretty sure I know. "Because he is the father of your baby? Because your family expects you to marry him rather than have a baby as a single mom. Because you want to say fuck you to your family who thought it would never last. Because you feel alone and lost. Because you don't feel that now that you're having a baby, you could possibly snag better...that's for women without children. Because you don't think that you deserve better. Have I hit most of them?"
She nodded yes, eyes welling with tears. I told her to discuss all of this with her therapist because she needed to sort through her emotions here before she ever got married.
Since then, N decided when they were driving somewhere to light up a cigarette. Z asked him not to smoke in the car since she was pregnant and she didn't want it to affect the baby. He reacted in a hostile manner and he ended up crashing the car as they fought about it while going around a curvy road. Oh yeah, she took him back after that one.
He had another weekend where he did all manner of things including stay out all night with friends and not let her know where he was or when he was coming back, just to upset her. She told me proudly that she broke things off entirely then, and even started to pack his bags for him to move out of HER MOTHER'S PLACE where they both live (Amanda, what's worse than a guy still living with his mother? How about a guy leeching off his gf's mother!). But of course, you know the drill.
I don't understand why some people enjoy being kicked in the teeth repeatedly. The pattern is set. He is nice; he is mean; he is nice; he is mean. Why do it to yourself over and over again too? I'm waiting for him to add in "cheats on Z" in the middle of a cycle too because he reminds me of this lame ass man I know of who does just that to his lovely wife, too.
I ran into Z this week and she told me she saved up her hard earned cash to buy N a four wheeler for Christmas. "Why the hell'd you do that?" I asked her. She told me, well, he's always wanted one...and I snapped back, "Well, you've always wanted him to consistently be a kind, loving boyfriend and good father to your future child without lapsing into being a selfish bastard who rips your heart out and stomps on it, but he's never going to give THAT to you, so why bother with the four wheeler?"
She was silent. Then she laughed, blushed, and shook her head. "You're right, of course," she whispered out. And I hugged her because, well, we both knew that the essential truths of life would not make her do what she knew she should do.
I always thought this disease was more of a female thing, but now I'm discovering with Mr. Hare that men do it to themselves too. Evil bitch, nice. Evil bitch, nice. Unless she's been struck by lightning or given a lobotomy, why feel she'll change that pattern, my friend?
I believe in the ability of people to change. I really do. But I also believe that very few people use this amazing skill.......