I hate using Alex's french keyboard. It screws me up, and even when I flip it into English, it sometimes spontaneously flips back, thereby pissing me off. But what the hell does it matter? I'm pretty sick now (relapse for sure), and I can't sleep, and it's 330a right now. I might as well try and post. I have nothing better to do.
See, when I left school, I was in severe body pain. The back part is a chronic issue I had when I tried to save a pet and lifted something no girl my size should ever be able to lift, esp one who is totally out of shape (yes, I had the burning adrenaline rush and everything). My back snapped afterwards. Periodically something is done about it and it fades. This time, I thought it was my usual back problems, but what it turned out to be was a return of the cold from earlier this week. Sigh.
Then I picked up the kids from school and saw my child in clothes appropriate for a 60 degree day. The high here was not even that. The low was below freezing, and that'd be when her daddy sent her to school. She's had the same plague I had/have, and now I'm worried about a relapse for her too. So, we went home...I took medicine, which let me be able to drive without crying and also allowed my nose to stop sniffing. Alex babied me when I arrived, and sadly I TOTALLY needed it. I haven't been this sick in years. It hurts no matter what position I'm in, no matter how much meds I've taken, and no matter how many hours of massage Alex gave me before bed. I'm desperate to feel better by tomorrow or else Master Alexander will make me go to the doctor. Except hell, it IS tomorrow, damnit. I have a few hours left to shake this sucker off!
I woke up around 2a and listened to the drama beneath my window as a form of entertainment. See, I'm in Columbia in an apartment in five points that faces the bars. Later on today, the classic gamecock (USC) and tigers (Clemson) rivalry will take place. If we manage to get out to do something, we need to be holed up in here before the game starts so we are not mauled to death trying to drive around town. This area in particular will be ridden by folks going to bars who have no tickets so they can drink themselves silly while they watch. Hell, a lot of them started already, and the noise has been intense. I suppose I know I already won't be sleeping, so oddly I'm not bothered by it. Instead, I'm entertained. People are running around drunk, singing all sorts of crap, and there's always a group of guys who starts up the chant, "game...COCKS! game...COCKS!" vigorously after a while. I see a lot of crimson down there (the gamecocks' color), and whenever a clemson person seems to be anywhere around, you can hear either good natured ribbing (we'll trash your ass!) to the more drunken comments (fuuuuck yoush, tiiigrrr!). See, this year I am betting the USC students are going more nuts than usual because there's a pretty good chance they could beat Clemson for once. Our coach is better (sorry Amanda, Angie...you know I have my master's from USC!), and our football season has been better as well. So, there's hope that the gamecocks can break their losing streak against their in-state rivals, and I can hear that excitement in the voices of the folks down below. Occasionally I hear a beer bottle crash or a few incoherent sounds; the worst sound I hear sometimes is an obviously drunk person peel out of a parking lot because I can't help but wonder if he or she will make it home alive. Still, on the whole, the nightlife down there has entertained.
Then, the REAL drama unfolded. (next drunk person I just heard: Go cocks! Fuck you you clemson scum! Clemson dude responded from a distance, but I couldn't hear...)
I heard the clomping sounds of a drunk person trying to run off unsuccessfully. She apparently was then snagged by her sober friend. At least, Chaotic Drunk Girl was obviously drunk, and Best Friend had that soothing, I'm dealing with a drunk person type of voice I recall using myself on drunk friends in high school. I never went to a party in high school and drank anything. Whatta geek! Instead, I watched after the others mother hen like and, later on, was the designated driver. My family's Catholic...I had all the alcohol I wanted at home. I didn't need to drink somewhere to be rebellious. Anyway, then the CDG sobs out:
"But he LOVES ME! But he's MINE!"
BF: Honey, you are so much better than him!
CDG: But he loves me, LOVES ME! He is MINE!
BF: He obviously doesn't love you or else he'd not be doing this to you, dear...
CDG: No, no, it was one time, it was a mistake...
BF: Do you want me to get the girls together whom he's screwed and kissed on you so you can't stay in denial? YOU KNOW you are worth more than that!
CDG: (sobbing) You're wrong, he loves me, he's mine...
BF: You think it's love to cheat on the person you love?
CDG: he didn't mean it, he apologized, if you could talk to him...
BF: I have, and his stories are riddled with lies. WHY do you think you deserve it?
CDG: I love him!
BF: Why, when all he does to you is cheat on you, hurt you, take you for granted? You let him get away with this behavior by staying. It tells him he can do it again. Eventually he will. WHY do you not think that you deserve a man who would cherish you and love you?
CDG: (loud still, but not as loud as before) He's mine, he loves me (she repeats stubbornly).
I'm three stories up. I can hear it like they are next to me. I wonder about the cold and if the drunk girl left her jacket in the bar she ran out of and if she is cold but doesn't know it since she has so much alcohol in her and if she can hear how much her meddlesome friend only opens her mouth up because she loves her...I know CDG will stay with the man who cheats on her. On some level it's a challenge for her to keep him; on another, the more people tell her she should leave, the more she stubbornly insists on staying. Her misery is painful, but she has decided to stay with him. "He loves me! He's mine!" The "he's mine" statement reminds me that some women are afraid to be alone. Better to have a crap man than no man to these women...an attitude I never understood.
I fantasize that I run downstairs, the stranger on a white horse who confesses to hearing the whole scenario, the woman who begs CDG to listen to her BF who obviously loves her and wants her to not be in pain any more...and she listens to me, as startled as can be over this redheaded fury who barely took time to slide on shoes to evade the broken glass...and goes home and restarts her life, alone at first, then with a man like Alex.
Of course, what would likely happen is that they'd think I was crazy and CDG would tell me to fuck off.
So I freeze.
So they leave, their voices dying out now.
And I wonder. I wonder about why a woman OR a man would think about staying in such a relationship. I wonder what she'll do. I wonder if they'll get married and have kids and she'll feel trapped when she realizes the cheating is a pattern. I wonder if her BF will stick around and mop up her tears until one day, one day she gets the courage to leave. Yes, it's unlikely to be the case, but that's my fantasy, and that is the idea that will let me go to sleep now....