Showering Techniques By Gender

How To Shower Like A Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide
loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real
passionfruit.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo"
sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat.

Dry off forearms and butt only.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the
whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
"woo-woo" sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

Translation Errors

Once in a while, my French fiance seems to slip with his English. Since je parle francais comme une vache espagnole, I'm totally ok with his occasional mistakes. It's way, way, WAY better than I'll ever manage French. However, once in a while we have one of these word usage/translation errors that just are too good to not share.

Earlier I had tried to call Alex's cell phone. There was no answer. Then, tonight, we were talking:

Him: I guessed that was you trying to call when I saw the missed call on the cell phone.

Me: Yeah, that was me. I thought you'd be home, so I could call...

Him: Yeah, I was home. It's just that I had put the phone on "Vibrator" and so I didn't get the call...


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Damn.

Can you imagine the market? "Well, I already have a camera phone. I need something that's more fun for those lonely, late nights at the office...oh, I know, how about one of those vibrator phones! This is one phone I don't WANT small. Oh, look, it comes in purple!"

Yeah, if I had my phone on "vibrator," I'd be missing a few phone calls too. Just sayin'.

Waiting For the Chili

Alex had to leave for a meeting, and so I told him I'd lock up by the knob lock and then depart after finishing up his chili. I usually make something on Sunday for him that he can munch on while I'm gone. I guess we just like to take care of each other, and this is my way of taking care of him. His is usually to do things like...well, like on Friday night when I arrived, there was a trail of rosepetals when I walked in that led to the bedroom. They led up and over the bed, to a vase of flowers (roses, carnations, baby's breath, etc). He's just too sweet.

I hate Sunday nights. I know one day the wait will be over and we'll get to spend the rest of our lives together, but it's a rough wait. I'm sure that A* and WordWhiz at a minimum understand what I mean. I am looking forward to the summer because I'll get to see him so much more. Being broke sucks; having the summer free, however, rocks. There's some good to teaching.

Speaking of money, I sure as heck wish I had some health insurance. My sore throat came back in force, almost swelling closed. Fearing strep throat, I went to the doctor's on Saturday. $215 later, I now have an antibiotic. Sigh. I still have to do my mammogram, too, which will be expensive. My doc wanted me to have one no matter what, insurance or not, since my aunt has breast cancer. She says it's important to have my first mammogram NOW as a result. She said that last year, but last year I didn't have the money. I still don't, really, but she insisted I do it anyway. Bleh. I need health insurance. Sometimes I remind myself that I do this to myself on purpose. After all, I COULD have a job outside of my field that pays better and has health insurance right now if I wanted to. However, this job allows me to not have to worry about so many daycare or after school care expenses. I don't have to dish out any money for them over summertime, too. Plus, I love it. I am waiting for a full-time position to open up. It did. I'm applying. I just found out the number of people from the department who will apply, and I'm crushed. There's no way I'm getting the job. For the record, the only way I won't be bitter about not getting the job is if a) it's Chuck who gets it or b) if somebody like Chinua Achebe decides to apply for it. I've put in my time. I've gone above and beyond the call of duty. And now, please, I would like some health insurance for my efforts, thank you. We'll see, but I'd say that my chances of getting the job are fairly minimal at this point. I try not to think about it too much because it depresses me. Chuck and I made a deal that if either of us got the job, we'd share the office with the other. You know what's cool? What's cool is having such a good friend at the job. That's what's cool. I can't imagine how boring that place would be without Chuck. When Amanda left, I really panicked. Chuck was the most amazingly fun surprise ever. I can bitch at him, talk dirty to him, joke with him, and discuss religion/politics/life with him. He's smart, funny, caring, and an all around wonderful guy. How did two amazing people end up being stuck being so stupidly paid and all at such a job? Good question. I have no idea.

So, the last musing of the day deals with what I consider "essentials" in the kitchen. See, I cook at Alex's on the weekends, so I had decided I needed to stock the place up with a few essentials in order to make food. I am betting that my spice list essentials are not the same as other people's lists. At my house, I have more spices than a professional cook. If you do not believe me, ask Joe. He was pretty damn impressed with my collection...haha! It's just that I like to cook all sorts of ethnic foods, and each country has its own range of spices that are preferred for its dishes. Anyway, I found my "bare basics" list of spices is this: oregano, rosemary, cumin, corriander, chili powder, thyme, hungarian paprika (sweet), bay leaves, herbs de province, salt, and black ground peppper. I also always make sure to have flour, sugar, eggs, heavy cream, butter, onions, garlic, at least 6 different types of cheeses, pasta, rice, olive oil, seasoned rice vinegar, white wine vinegar, tomato sauce/paste, diced tomatoes, and homemade chicken broth in the freezer. I don't have my fun knives, my all-clad, my cuisinart, my kitchen aid stand mixer, nor any of my other little kitchen gadgets here, so I just make do with the old fashioned way. So far, it's worked out fine and made me wonder if I really need the 5,485,282 items extra I have at home. I need a bigger kitchen....

Ok, chili is now done. I suppose I'll put it up in the freezer now and head out. I don't want to go. I really don't. Oh well. Suck it up, kid...

The Meme I Owe Foilwoman

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18 and find line 4.

There's quite a few options as my computer stand usually is loaded down with books too, believe it or not. I will refrain from snagging the roleplaying books and instead go for Robert Coover's The Universal Baseball Association, Inc., J. Henry Waugh, Prop. It's excellent, by the way.

[Henry reknotted] his tie, put on hat and raincoat, hooked his umbrella over one [arm, and went out to get a drink.]

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, what do you find?

A television set. The TV and the computer are right next to each other thanks to the way the living room is set up. The computer MUST be in the living room so that if my kids use it, I can watch them like a hawk. I'm a protective mom.

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?

Ironically, I just got cable yesterday (haven't had it in three years due to expense). Before that, I hadn't watched TV since December when I was at my brother's house. So, I am not sure what the show is called, but it's about people who have no fashion sense. A guy and a girl then rip the person to shreds and humiliate her while they help her actually build up a wardrobe that looks decent. I was facinated because....well, I have no fashion sense. Half the time I couldn't tell that what the chick did was so wrong, but everybody else seemed to be horrified. That's why I let others dress me.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is.

I'm going to guess around 8p because the last time I looked, it was 730p and I realized that I needed to get Jared's jammies on.

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?

810p

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

The kids watching Shrek 2.

7. When did you last step outside?

Hmmm well, when we got home around 4p.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?

Well, FW's blog, and I'm still looking at it so I can follow the right order of items!

9. What are you wearing?

This sounds like a cybersex proposition. Hum. Well, I'm wearing a longsleeved black, fitted shirt and a pair of tan sweatpants.

10. Did you dream last night?

Yes. I usually do, too. Sometimes they are regular dreams, and sometimes they are...well, message-filled. Either way, I usually wake up remembering at least a snippet or two.

11. When did you last laugh?

Well, I'm talking to Alex over msn, so periodically I laugh (he entertains me). I'd say no more than ten min ago.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?

a) a sword
b) a banner with a dragon on it
c) a linen hanging that has a celtic tree on it

(yes, I'm a geek...so sue me)

13. Seen anything weird lately?

I live in SC. Wierd is the daily fodder of life.

14. What do you think of this quiz?

It sucks. I'm always one for honesty.

15. What is the last film you saw?

hmmm...I know it's a kid's movie because it would have been with alex and the kids. Hoodwinked? No, we saw something else after that...Doogal.

16. If you turned into a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?

Alex a car and his student loans paid off. Student loans paid off of all my closest friends. Me a new car too. A house. Then I'd hire a maid for my ex's house and for Laurita's ex's house. We have this deal, you see.... And godiva chocolates for everybody who reads this blog!

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know.

That's hard to do since I pretty much share everything. Um. Let me think. Can't be something I mentioned on my 100 list long ago....um....ok, got it! I had an inverted left nipple. Basically, when it was cold, one pointed out and one crawled in. I have to admit it looked odd as shit. However, yay for breastfeeding, Ariana dragged it out for good! So, Alex has never seen my inverted nipple as it's been gone now for eight years.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt and politics, what would you do?

Just one? I would make everybody have the instant ability to empathize with anybody he or she talks to. That'd make compassion commonplace, and that'd make for a very happy day.

Now, if you are talking something that doesn't involve changing the physiology of humankind, I'd say that I want to change that anybody ever goes unwillingly to bed hungry. Food for everybody, always!

19. Do you like to Dance?

I do, but I only do it in front of others if I've had something to drink.

20. George Bush.

If I say what I really feel, do I get ten FBI agents coming at my door trying to arrest me for using my free speech rights? I am very dissatisfied with anything involving him, from his push polls against McCain in the SC primary elections...the decisions he's made regarding oil vs. the environment...and the Iraq war. I'm SO ready for 2008.

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?

I always intended to call her Rhiannon, but that ended up her middle name, so it is Ariana Rhiannon.

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what would you call him?

Following the tradition of a celtic middle name, he was called Jared Taliesin.

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?

If the ex would let us, I would gladly take the kids to France with Alex and live there a few years. However, that won't happen. Sigh.

24. What would you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?

"I know that you wanted to live your life as a good person, regardless of your fiesty temper and your often-injured sense of justice. Kira, you succeeded. I am pleased."

25. 4 people who must also do this theme in their journal.

BITE ME! Sigh. Ok, Alex, Laura, Juanita, and Angie.

Blue Laws Suck

I hate the blue laws. You know, we're supposedly a country that separates church and state, and yet I can't buy alcohol on Sunday in South Carolina. What does this really prevent? It means if I go out to eat, unless I'm in one of a small handful of jurisdictions that allow Sunday alcohol sales in restaurants with a special license, I can't drink. It means that if I bought five bottles of white wine and a bottle of grey goose vodka on Saturday, if I decide to drink red wine on Sunday I'm screwed...and need to revert to the vodka. ALCOHOL IS NOT ILLEGAL IN THE UNITED STATES, save for a few insane dry counties that just force people to drive to the neighboring county to buy a lot of alcohol. If it's not illegal, why should we have to have it a criminal offense to sell it on Sunday? Why Sunday? YOU SUCK, BLUE LAWS! As A* would say, I REBUKE THEE!

My daughter once asked in the grocery store on Sunday why the beer aisle was dark. I said, well honey, it's illegal in this state to sell alcohol on Sunday. "WHY?" she asked, mystified. "I have no idea, baby. All it does is make the alcoholics plan ahead," was my response, much to the horror of an older woman ahead of us. Look, if a person wants to be drunk on Sunday, he or she can. It just requires thought. What the HELL does it prove to have it illegal to sell on that day?

On the second rung of absurdity is the "No alcohol sold until after X time" law. In Florida, it's like noon or one o'clock. What, if I didn't want to bring a flask into church, I couldn't have? What's the FREAKING POINT???

And not opening up the mall or other places until after church hours? You think that makes Christians not go to church? Guess what. If a Christian wants to sleep in, he or she will. If a Christian wants to go to church, he or she will. If the temptation of the mall being open is too much, then welcome to the GOD GIVEN ability called FREE WILL. Sheesh.

Ok, I've bitched enough. Now give me my wine!

*****

In the musical Hair, there is a song called black boys, white boys. I decided to parody it with circumcised versus uncut penises. Why, you ask? Well, a debate on another forum triggered it. I blame April (since she sent me over there), and so I had to dedicate the song to her. I am loathe to post it as it is further proof that I'm nuts. Basically, just like the song it was parodying, it sang the praises of both types (the original said black men and white men were equally great; the parody says uncut and cut penises are equally great). Oh yeah. I'm happy being insane.

*****

I finally picked up that this guy really, really, REALLY is hitting on me. He's a student. However, I have to say that having a student hit on me is not particularly flattering. Of course they hit on me and every other teacher under the age of fourty. That's a chance for an easy grade! Why not? I remember one time this guy came into class and thought he was funny for saying, "So, do I get an A if I sleep with you?" I laughed my ass off. Then I stopped, took in a deep breath and replied, "Honey, I'd be the best you ever had, so the question would have to be what would you give ME if I slept with you? However, I'm clearly out of your league, plus I've already got a waiting list, so I'd just hang up your sweet dreams." The class laughed hysterically about it. Yeah, take that!

Sometimes students think they can be witty that way. I also remember clearly this one guy who decided to be a smart ass when I was handing out papers. "Yeah, Kira, sorry about calling out the wrong name last night, baby," he purred, grinning with the devil in his eyes.

I raised an eyebrow at him, and the whole class froze, expecting immediate retaliation. However, they didn't expect it the way I dished it out: "Honey, you have it all wrong. When a man calls out the wrong name, it's MY name he calls out. Obviously you couldn't be referring to me. And that being said, wake up from that dream, because dreams are the only place you'll ever see ME with YOU." Oh yeah! The class lost it, and he flushed a deep red. His immediate response: "I will never. Ever. Ever. Mouth off in your class again," he said humbly, and I laughed. Kira 1, Student 0!

However, this one fellow is really perplexing me. I had him for English 101, and he barely scratched out a D with me. He insisted on taking 102 with me anyway. Hey, nobody can accuse ME of being the type of teacher who gives out A's for flirting because BOY did this guy flirt! Anyway, here he is in 102, and he keeps making remarks all the time. Sometimes, they're absurd: "Kira, that purple shirt you're wearing makes your legs stand out beautifully." HUH? That one was today. He also made quips about how he loved redheads, and then later on his friend tossed out that he only had a few years to go before he was in my "range" of dating age. That is, I had mentioned to them before class as we chatted that Alex was younger than I was by nine years. Apparently, this excited the student (that I had as a fiance a younger man). His friend made a quip about it, and the student grinned at me (leered?) for the rest of class. Man. I AM TOO OLD! GO AWAY! Not only that, but honestly folks...I'd never ever ever date a student. A FORMER student is another case, but an actual student is automatically ruled out. I've never violated that policy, and I never will. I just consider it unethical. I'm in the power position. It's like dating my underling at an office, you know? Shouldn't be done...esp. with these young "hot for teacher is MY fantasy!" guys in my classes. That's all they need to furnish their dreams. Snort.

I think what entertains me the most, however, is that some of my students (male AND female) so respect the idea that I'm happy for once in my life that they get protective of my relationship with Alex. Another student in this very same class (male! and he loves me, too...he brings me pecan pie! haha!) burst out with, "HOW'S ALEX DOING?" after one particularly noticable hit from the other student. I've had girls glare at Alex when he comes to school at me and ask, "So what is ALEX doing these days?" before I laugh and explain...that IS Alex! One of the teachers at the school (math teacher, actually) hit on me once in front of another student, and he blocked the teacher...glared him down...mentioned Alex....and shooed him off. Oh god! I couldn't stop laughing afterwards. I had asked Ryan, what the hell was that about? He said, well, I know Alex would do the same for me if it were MY woman, you know? That just made me laugh harder. Alex wins over everybody...what can I say?

I'll Do It Next

Foilwoman tagged me. Ug, double-tagged! I'll get to it next post.

So, Alex has developed strep throat. This means that likely the whole time I lost my voice last week...well, I had strep and shared the joy. I have a very high pain tolerance (like my daughter), and this comes back to haunt me. I went to work every single day last week despite no voice and having strep, unaware that I likely had strep because a) I never ever can figure out if I have a fever since fevers never bother me and b) I just didn't feel badly enough for me to think it was strep. After all, I saw one of my favorite students who crawled in to take an exam while she had strep, and I looked nothing like that. Sure, I was miserable, but all I could think when I woke up was, suck it up pussy...no work, no pay. Still, as I now see how laid out Alex is--although let's face it, if he did indeed have mono, he's still not all the way better from THAT yet either--I wonder what the hell kind of stupid idiot I am. I'm going to kill myself one day, I swear.

I had a conference with Jared's teacher today. She went on and on about his high level IQ and how he blows the other kids away in all of the intellectual exercises they do, and how he has a very high word recognition level. Yes, of course. I knew that. Haha! She told me the three main areas he had problems with in the beginning, and I was surprised by none of them. One was sharing. See, Jared has always had issues with sharing because his sister just GIVES him whatever he whimpers that he wants. Why should he share? He has no need. But, he's improved vastly on that issue, and I'm glad.

I also found out that the assistant teacher is very close friends with one of my students. She told me her friend went on and on about what a fabulous teacher I am. Yay! That made me feel good.

Then, the bad stuff: I've had a nonstop anxiety attack today for no real reason. They happen periodically, but not very often. My heart races and I get paranoid. I start to feel that many people are avoiding me or dislike me, that something horrid will happen right NOW, and that I'm lacking in a thousand areas. The heart pounds and pounds and my skin even feels warmer. Then it passes. I know by tomorrow it'll be gone. Still, it sucks. Yes, I know there is medication for that. When I was on the Zoloft for depression, it also helps with anxiety, and that was the first year of my adult life I never had an episode like this. Still, I'd hate to be on Zoloft JUST for very rare anxiety issues. I'd rather just deal with the mild attacks when they come.

Cookie Monster called me out of the blue to tell me VERY IMPORTANT NEWS! There will be a 100 episode TV series about Star Wars, filling the gap between episode 3 and 4. WOOHAAA!

And the final note of the day: Ariana received a picture from Mark, her true love. She has asked to get a frame so she can put his picture near her bed on the dresser. Then she asked if we could give him one of her pictures, too. With a big grin, she said, "When he liked Brianna, he NEVER gave HER a picture...just me! So he must really love me!" Man. I wanna be in second grade again! This is so cute!

Alex finished his musings on men and has yet to do his music meme...he'd better get crackin' because he's gonna have another meme to do after I finish up Foilwoman's requrest...haha!

Dirty Stinkin' Meme

Only for love and adoration of the Cookie Monster do I complete this task! I'm no good at remembering song names, so let me apologize in advance.

1. A track from your early childhood

When I was little...like two years old...my dad would come home from work and listen to music while mom made dinner. I'd take my chubby little baby legs and waddle over to my dad, plant my round baby bottom on his belly, and giggle until he let me have a round at the headphones. I heard all sorts of things back then (back when my dad had taste in music). Let's settle for the Beatles "Happy Birthday" song. That became the special song with me and my dad, and he even played it in my ear LOUDLY on my 16th birthday just to be...well, obnoxious. That's a specialty of my family, you see.

Beatles - Birthday Lyrics
You say it's your birthday
It's my birthday too--yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

Yes we're going to a party party
Yes we're going to a party party
Yes we're going to a party party.

I would like you to dance--Birthday
Take a cha-cha-cha-chance-Birthday
I would like you to dance--Birthday
Dance

You say it's your birthday
Well it's my birthday too--yeah
You say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

2. A track that I associate with my first love

My first love was my ex husband. I just haven't had many in my life. Three, in fact, has been it. But I'd say that the song I associate with that whole budding relationship is the Velvet Underground's Sister Ray. "Please don't stain the carpet...don't you know you'll stain the carpet?" Damn. I don't even want to get into the reasons why that song would be it. But there it is.

3. A track that reminds me of a holiday trip

For some reason I'm drawing a blank except for the Farw Rawr Rawr Rawr Rah (Deck the Halls) sung by the Chinese waitstaff in A Christmas Story.

4. A track that you like but wouldn't want to be associated with

Bust A Move by Young MC (or maybe I Like Big Butts by Sir Mix A Lot)

5. A track that accompanied you while you were lovesick

Thank You by Dido

6. A track that you have probably listened to most often

Hmmm...what, throughout my whole life? Probably Led Zepplin's Gallows Pole.

7. A track that is your favorite instrumental

Does classical music count? Vivaldi's Four Seasons then

8. A track that represents one of your favorite bands

What, like a song by a group I really like? Hmmm. Elevation by U2

9. A track that represents yourself best

I've always thought of Meredith Brooks' Bitch song as my theme. However, a nice back up would be Modest Mouse's Float On

10. A track that reminds you of a special occasion (which one)

THE IMPERIAL DEATH MARCH! Oh yeah baby. Do you even have to ask? The first viewing of Star Wars in the theatre is a special occasion!

11. A track that you can relax to

Je Ne Veux Qu'elle by Marc Lavione

12. A track that stands for a really good time in your life

Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler

13. A track that is currently your favorite

Amanda got me hooked on Anna Nalick, and the song I love most is called Breathe.

14. A track that you would dedicate to your best friend

Save Yourself by Stabbing Westward. She'd know why.

15. A track you think nobody but you likes

apocalypta, hall of the mountain king. You'd love it if you listened, though!

16. A track that you like especially for its lyrics

Well, since its lyrics are a favorite poem of mine...Loreena McKinnet, Lady of Shalott

17. A track that you like that is neither English nor German

creid by Yasunori mitsuda ...it's Irish

18. A track that lets you release tension best

Sugarcult, Bouncing Off the Walls Again

19. A track that you want to be played at your funeral

I'm having a funeral? Sounds so bleak. Can't you all just get drunk and tell great stories about me instead? Hum. Ok, well, then...Tal Bachman, She's So High. Not only is it appropriate on some levels but it reminds me of Alex. He used to sing that one to me all the time with the most adorable goofy grin on his face! So, it's come to mean a lot to me. Therefore, I think it's a great song to play at my funeral. Well, if I have one. I still think y'all should just go get drunk.

20. A track that you'd nominate for the best of all times category


Imagine by John Lennon. I just like the message, and it's appropriate that the best song should come from some facet of the Beatles.

Bite me. I tag no one except Alex the slack, who should post his blog on his bewilderment on the male/female issues first and THEN fill out this tag ;) He can do it in the reverse order if he must, I suppose...hehe!

Goat Cheese and Mammograms!

Amanda took me to a goat farm on Wednesday. She got to hear me bark at her like a seal for a bit since I was still rather voiceless. The trip was interesting. Any place that has both lesbians on tractors and colorful cocks has got to rock! Note: the cocks were very attractive roosters. They must have had a few breeds there because they seemed to have different plumage. I purchased a bag of goodies that had a pesto goat cheese (YUM), a dill goat cheese (YUM!), a fudge with peanut butter in the middle (Oh yeah, YUM!), and a container of this goat cream cheese and rasberry thing that the farm calls rasberry fromage. Yes, you guessed it...YUM! I shall definitely be going back there some time.

So, Thursday I sounded a little better in the morning, but then after two classes and tutoring, I was starting to go downhill again. Then I talked to Cookie Monster on the phone...something I really wanted to do, but I paid for it afterwards. I went back to barking like a seal. On Friday, I then had to teach a two hour class and an hour and 25 min class. Sigh. I was pretty much miserable again by the time I arrived in Columbia to see Alex.

Both classes entertained me royally on Friday, and since it's all about me, that means it all went according to plan! The second class was receiving some important poetry term definitions, and suddenly this guy asked what the term was for a word that read the same front as it does backwards. I couldn't think of palindrome right away, and somebody suggested anagram. I wasn't sure if that was it, so I tried to look up the definition in the book just in case. So, the whole class was murmuring on what they thought an anagram actually WAS. At that moment, a student who fits perfectly the stereotype of a Clemson Baton Twirler (hey, that's because she IS one...man, I love this girl, but she doesn't often visit our planet if you know what I mean) suddenly snaps out of her daydreams and goes, "MAMMOGRAM? Well, a mammogram is..."

Oh god. The whole class lost it. I was slain. I just...sprawled on the ground and twitched hysterically, which made the whole rest of the class laugh even harder. The best part was her facial expression: it clearly stated that she was serious. She was NOT trying to make a joke. She really thought that during the course of our searching for the definitions of various literary and word terms, we came across 'mammogram' and could not remember what it was. Oh, beautiful! Simply beautiful. (side note: an anagram is actually when one takes a word and makes the same letters form a new word)

Alex has been babying me this weekend so I will feel better. My voice is halfway back as of tonight, so hopefully I'll be all better by tomorrow. Alex himself still tires easily, but he seems to be a bit better this weekend too. Whew! And Cookie dear...just so you know...he's just in love. He's not under my thumb. However, he's also not typical male in how he approaches life, so I guess most guys would grumble regardless about how he treats me. Well, to all of you males who feel that way: feck off. Haha! I've never been happier than to be with a man who has a firm backbone yet is caring and considerate every single day of my life.

Speaking of that, I can't wait until he puts up his next blog. He's SO FUNNY because he complains about how men treat women more than I do...or any female I know. He's actually pondering writing up his musings on this topic, and I'm dying to read it. You must remember that this is the man who stated to me once, long ago, "Men are assholes. That's why I'm a lesbian." Also, he's the fellow who had me in stitches when we were at the mall shopping one time and a love ballad came on. This guy was singing out an impassioned plea of love to his girl, and Alex actually snapped back with a snarl, "YEAH, right, you say that NOW, but tomorrow you'll forget her and cheat on her and treat her like crap and leave her crying!" I think Alex has been scarred by A) seeing what my girlfriends have put up with; B) reading some of y'alls blogs; and C) witnessing his friends and brother in their attitudes and pursuit of women. This is also what happens when Alex decides that he doesn't understand American football, so he leaves the men who are huddled around the TV and instead joins us women in the kitchen. Haha!

Ok, so, I'm off to watch Fight Club now for the first time. One of my classes had like four guys insisting that I needed to see it NOW and that they'd quiz me on it on Monday, so I told Alex and we have a copy now to watch. Too many people have recommended that movie to me, so it's time to give it a whirl. Me, my barking seal voice, my hot fiance, and a glass of wine shall now retire to the (not respectable 20") TV. Night, all!

I Have No Voice

There are many professions that are greatly affected by the loss of a voice. I happen to be involved in one of them. Yesterday, I had no voice...but my two classes had exams so it didn't matter. I started to lose my voice on Monday in the middle of a class. It's now Wednesday. I just woke up, and I still have no voice. Now, granted, I only have one class today...but it's a two hour class. I have no idea how I'm going to teach it. Sign language? Big placards? Use my psychic senses? This should be fun!

I've never lost my voice for longer than a day or two. We're on day three now. I'm amazed. There are many people I know of who would be amazed, too, to be able to be around me for hours and have me not say a word. They'd probably pay money for it. If you're one of those people, please come on down and witness the splendor of a silent Kira. The fee is $250. Proceeds will pay for fine wine and fun on a trip to Vegas. Thank you.

*****

My dad sent me this email, and it entertained me, so I'm sharing:

Unanswered Questions


1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags"
and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the
Tennessee Titans?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
one enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
stale bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their
final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they
deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Tawooo Wuv!

I am not looking forward to the teen years when my daughter no longer fully confides in me with total innocence and eagerness as she does now. I watched a tear-stained teen girl and her mom fight outside of a restroom at a mall this last weekend, and I shuddered. I just don't want that. Right now, Ariana trusts me with everything. I get to hear all of her life as it unfolds. I feel distinctly honored to do so, too.

For those of you following the Saga of Ariana's Loves, Ari has been "in love" with a little boy named Matthew since first grade. However, as of this year Matthew is in one class and Ariana in another, and Matthew has turned his attentions to a little girl named Tori. Although Ari is clear that this circumstance is NOT one she'd choose, she also doesn't seem to be bothered by it since she likes Tori. Instead, she turned her sights on a little boy named Mark from her class. Her attitude was, well, ok, so Matthew's gone, but there's more men around so I'll live. Ahhhh so many women could learn from my daughter! Let's hope she keeps this healthy attitude well past puberty.

Last week, Ariana came home and told me that she had announced her love to Mark. "You did?" I said, surprised. "How did he take it?"

"Well, I told him quietly, 'I love you,' and then he said, 'I kinda figured.'"

HAHA! Ok, so that reminded me of Han Solo and Princess Leia. I asked her if Mark then told her that he loved her. "Nope," she told me. "Momma...is it ok for me to ask him if he loves me too?"

Now, see, a part of me realizes that second grade rules are not the rules of the adult world. However, I couldn't help but respond in a way I hoped she'd remember for later on in life. "No. Don't corner him into answering your question. If he loves you, he'll tell you. I wouldn't ask. Otherwise, he might feel obligated to say what you want and it not be what he means. If he says it on his own, he probably means it."

But again, second graders have a different agenda. The next day, Ariana returned to the car and let me know she asked Mark anyway because she just couldn't stand not knowing. Apparently, he said yes. Now they're in the kiddie love stage wherein they sit next to each other and make sure that when the boys play, Ariana is included. Mark doesn't really seem to have a desire to be included in the girl play.

It seems so sweet, and yet so scary. I know it's the taste of what's to come. I can't protect her from a broken heart...that part just sucks. I guess for now all I have to worry about is that they get thrown out of school for kissing each other or something!

*****

My daughter is playing soccer. The first game they lost. Their team is the orange team...I'm sure Amanda and Angie are pleased that my daughter is on the orange team because it'll remind them of Clemson. I, on the other hand, am disappointed that they aren't the blue team (Go Duke!). Ari's disappointed too, but that's only due to wanting her favorite color to be her jersey color.

Speaking of blue, her first game was against the Blue team. Blue team kicked Orange ass. Ariana, who is typically a little shy and always sweet when you first meet her, scowled as she came into the car that day. "Momma, we need a rematch. They squashed us! It's our turn to kick their butts. We need another game against Blue!" she growled at me, and I laughed. Yup, that's my daughter.

Tonight's game against Purple was a total victory for Orange. Ari was thrilled. She likes winning a bit too much. I think it's the Oldest Child Syndrome. Certainly she is more concerned about winning and being number one than Jared seems to care. She reminds me of my sister (the eldest of our four) that way! Oh well...I think there are at least six, maybe eight more games to go. They'd better have a winning season or Ari'll make them keep playing until Orange comes out on top.

Who? Me?

It amazes me how I can be the same teacher and teach the same material, yet I get a totally different "feel" and response from the various classes. Two English 101 classes might have two totally separate reactions to a joke, an assignment, or the material covered. Once in a while I have a class wherein there are several people glaring at me or looking so confused they drop out; once in a while I have a class wherein everybody seems to treat me as a minor deity. Naturally, I'm rather partial to the latter.

This semester, I have one class that has a fantastic dynamic. I may be wrong, but I swear that each one of those kids typically look up at me with a happy grin when I walk in the door. They ask me all sorts of questions about ME before class, and I, in return, ask about them. After reading some of their journals, I'm also aware of what student has what issue, and this allows me to tailor some of our classes by using topics I know would be of interest. This is the class that has student C, who chuckles delightedly each time I ask, "So how's my favorite Mormon today?" It also has student M, the one who wrote the descriptive essay on a blow job. Oh, and to answer April's question about how she referenced the act, she said "sucking on a penis" rather than fellatio. As a side note, the first time she apparently gave one was to her very, very, VERY abusive first boyfriend when she was 15. I started laughing OUT LOUD in the Writing Center when I went over her paper with her because she made it clear when she started the description..."as I grasped his extremely small penis in my hand..." HAHAHA! There you go, guys. Don't be an ass to a girl. Then she will share with the rest of the female community not only that you were an ass, but that you have a small dick.

I have one girl in that class who just has a problem getting out of bed on time, so she struggles to get there when class begins, but she's funny as hell. I have another one who is, possibly, the least intelligent person on Tech's campus. What adds to the hilarity is that he is completely unaware of his lack of capacity, and just about every class he asks a stupid question that leaves the class in stitches. For example, when we were talking about the cause/effect essay, he said, well, what if you don't know for SURE the cause for the effect? Like, you have a fire, right? And you don't know for SURE if the fire was caused by an electrical shortage, arson, smoking in bed, or something like that. I said, well, a trained specialist could sift through the ashes and determine from the clues what happened. He said, well, but what if you don't KNOW for sure? I said, look, there are specialists out there who could determine it. He said, yeah, but what if *I* don't know what caused it? I replied dryly, well, then, you shouldn't write about it as your cause effect essay. The class laughed hysterically. The guy just looked confused. I had no idea how to explain it any further, and thankfully he dropped it.

We joke around a lot. Today, after answering three questions in a row on the same issue, I had thought the topic was closed. Then another guy asked in all honesty the same question again. I guess he spaced out the other THREE times it was asked. Instead of answering, I collapsed to my knees...pretended to draw my dagger...then stabbed it into my gut and collapsed onto the floor. They roared. We just have the best time while learning. They even told me today, several of them, what parts of my teaching methods they particularly enjoyed and why they thought I was such a great teacher. Yes, even people happy with their jobs like me really need that positive feedback once in a while, you know? It felt good.

Anyway, one thing that I realized about this class is that now they truly ask me for advice. Yes, I know, that's what I'm good for...hahaha! But they actually think I'm wise or something. I know, I know! Funny, isn't it? I came to this realization in today's class. It started out with me walking in and nearly the whole class shouting, "KIRA! KIRA! OH GOOD! You've got to talk X out of getting married! He's only 18, and he says he's gonna get married!" Now, they're all talking on top of each other like energetic puppies, and I set my stuff down and answer, "Say what?" I'm told that X's girlfriend opened up his journals (the ones he writes for class to me) to see what he was saying. She saw that he had written an entry on how divorce was rampant in his family, and therefore he was uncertain about the concept of marriage. Hysterical after she read this entry, she basically has demanded to him that he marry her to prove that he loved her. Um? I pointed out to him that he should be concerned that she violated his privacy like that. I talked to him about lack of trust issues if she's snooping into his belongings. I stated that sometimes we need to just VENT and then we feel better, and he should also explain that the entry was a way of VENTING his fears. Who wouldn't be fearful of marriage? Ok, that's my personal bias creeping in there...

From that point, I told him that likely what she feared was the idea that he wanted to leave her. What he needed to do, I said, was reassure his girlfriend that IF he were to marry, he'd only want her. Period. That she was the only girl in his life, and he loved her to death. However, he knew that at 18 with no college degree nor way to support a family should one arrive out of a marriage, he thought it was best to wait. For some reason, the class was very pleased with this response. Then, as I collected up their descriptive/illustrative essays, I had more questions tossed at me about a variety of things. Vaguely confused, I answered. There was murmuring. "Who needs Dr. Phil? She's better!" said one kid, and I laughed.

I guess for me, this whole day has been part of the changing of my self-concept. I never thought of myself as a particularly wise person, but people keep calling me that lately. Look at my life! I have not made the best of decisions, really. I try desperately to learn from my mistakes. I try to listen to those around me so I can learn without making more mistakes. That's it. That's all there is to me. Yet they're wanting my advice? WHO? ME? How strange! Is there more to me than I think? Or are they just all screwed in the head? hahaha! No, seriously...I guess I'm just wondering if I'm turning into a mentor teacher. I had two major mentor teachers in my life: Mrs. P, singlehandedly responsible for my great grades in high school that got me into Duke; and Rick/Dr. F, who influenced me so much at Duke that I took on his subject field (medieval and renaissance literature). I sought them out not just for school stuff but for life stuff. I looked up to them as wise. I just feel too wild and crazy to be an actual mentor. It just doesn't fit into what I thought I was! Do we really change like that over the years? CAN the wild child go to somebody who gives good advice?